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re- the thread below "whats normal" where i got pestered by this guy at work. ive been thinking about it- i wont think abut it more beyond tday and im already moved on- but i have thought- he had a full on personality disorder- i think- i guess.
the funny thing is- after living with one- why did i not spot the signs sooner- well- truth is- i did- so why didnt i go right cool straight away and completely back off from this guy
i do find i am still consistently "open minded" and accepting of people- which is great....if in safe and sane situations. its not great when yu find yourself embroiled with someone who is not healthy--like passing numbers and then having them follow you all the time et c
thank God i didnt give him my phne number- but i did start getting the inklings- the clues were- constantly talking about himself and his achievements (narcissism to cover low self esteem and needs that werent met in childhood).....and not stopping about his achievements.....but not listening to your stuff (BIG CLUE)
this threw me as i thought he was just trying to impress...but i reckon this is why he had failed marriage...as he was just on that track of the self...and couldn give-listen- or take social hints etc
the other big clue is...youd think one failed marriage would make you learn and change? nope- you know what disorders ar like- they are ingrained. and the other clue was forcing someone into a situation that fits yourneeds- regardless of what the other person thinks
yes- i know- this is pseudo- amateur psychology and i could be wrong....but when i first met him- he was boasting....(again) how he was an ex army soldier and how he met this woman who had been traumatised through rape..." and i slammed her against the wall...teaching her a self defence technique...and she wet herself like- being that scared like...but she learnt a new very simple self defence technique...."
??????????? and why the hell did i let THAT get past me???? why did i think "oh thats an odd thing to say...but im sure he was just spouting too much as he was nervous an d needed to impress"
thats THE LAST TIME i am so open and accepting of people (apart from al-anon which is different) frm now on- i am going to be guarded and wary and JUDGEMENTAL....just like every other ordinary person who hasnt been brought up with sickness does.
so the reason why im bringing this up- apart from the fact im still slightly obsessing- (but dealing with this now) is that ive wondered if any other ACOA have found themselves...like having wierd people sitting in their house for example....or going out for drinks with wierdos....because they want to give people the acceptance and love they missed out on...but in so doing- you put yourself at the mercy of barmy nutty people and being taken advantage of.....the being taken advantage of with ACOA must be a big one with people like us?
I cannot answer your question even if it made me smile I do believe that your observations are well founded.
I just signed on to post than I believe this new relationship that you did not engage in did provide some usual tools for you in Ute your recovery program It began your thought processes about having a new relationship and what you and the new potential partner would need to do to have a chance at relating That is huge You are willing to explore a relationship and not just staying "safe" alone
Keep up the good work It is a pleasure sharing the journey
Rosie - Here's the thing: I have lots of actual degrees and years of experience working in the field of psychology. It has resulted in me being faster to judge and condemn other people. It helps me sometimes, but it also hurts me....a lot. I constantly have to turn the focus back on me instead of judging and diagnosing other people. So - that is the difficult task in front of you.
It's better to remain slightly vulnerable and be more accepting of everyone in the world than to be walled up, judging, and suspicious. Yes, you might protect yourself from being hurt, but it will come at the expense of having meaningful relationships with others.
People generally exaggerate their personalities to make impressions. This is especially the case when trying to woo somebody. You really don't know this guy. You followed your intuitions about him not being right for you, but you don't need to be on hyperalert and what not. THAT PART - I am thinking is due to your ACOA history and history with your mom. That's your issue and not his.
You can let people get a little closer to you before pushing them away and pathologizing them - I am not saying that is what you did here for sure, but my concern is for you. I don't want you to feel threatened and afraid of others due to being too worried about getting hurt in ways that you have already been in the past.
Mark
P.S. - this does not mean you should go running to this guy and go out with him. You probably made a good choice for you but that's all it is....He wasn't right for you.
This happened to me right after I left my exAH. The attention was so entrancing for me after going so long feeling neglected. I bought it hook line and sinker, until the guy started stalking me, no kidding. He was talking about our future after hanging out a few times and it took a lot to shake him loose and it scared me. I don't feel he would hurt me, I just became aware of how attached he had become to me after awhile. I have to stay single for quite awhile until these kind of guys are not the guys I attract or even consider hanging out with. I am sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
thats exactly it!! thats th thing--- i was so amazed someone took an interest- and i was so busy being enthralled at talking to the opposit sex for a frigging change (lol) that i lost my sense of judgement. thats what mortifies me!!!!!! it mortifies me real bad...that i somehow encouraged a guy that was so wrong for me- in every single sense of the word.
and suddenly i woke up. but i also feel- men can put pressure on you- and move you into a corner...and thats WRONG> men should give women (or men- should give men and visa versa) some respectful space and go about it the right way.
Aloha Rosielee and I shared about part of this in the morning home meeting. It was partly about work my sponsor did with me regarding self awareness from the honest necessary for self inventories. My then sponsor asked me the question when the inventories were done..."Now that you know, now what?" meaning what do I do with the information. The shortest response is use it to change the things I can...if I don't then I'm continuing to practice the insanity within the disease the defintion I learned of in the program..."doing the same things over and over again expecting different results". That for me is a major definition of insanity. Some behaviors and ways of thinking and feeling are entrenched...primary and default. I will go for those subconscious non-working solutions first, before I stop myself and use the awareness that they have not worked and will not work and I need to do something different and more beneficial for my life not after I get the same results but before I get those old consequences. It isn't "their" fault or responsibility it is mine. I own the consequences of my choices and if I am already aware of what those consequences have been and will continue to be and still do the same behavior "I am fully responsible". If I defy and honest inventory of my needs I'm needing a Higher Power...someone bigger and greater than my own ego and pride and self will. As my sponsor also taught me..."The definition of humility is being teachable."
I do believe that your observations are well founded.