(((debbie))) Welcome to MIP. I'm glad you found this place, although sorry about what brings you here. From my own experience, trying to ¨catch¨ my ah in his secret drinking did nothing but upset ME. I don't know now why I even bothered, because every time I suspected he was drinking, it turns out that he was. But I didn't know then the things that I know now. Since then I've learned much - that he will drink or not, my catching him at it makes no difference. That he talks a good game but words are cheap - it's his actions that count. That I didn't cause his drinking, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. We don't give advice here but my suggestion to you would be to learn as much as you can about this cunning, baffling disease of alcoholism. Get to an alanon meeting if you can. If you can't, there are online meetings here at this site. Read the other posts and replies on here. And most of all, keep coming back. This board is full of people who understand what you're going through. We will offer you every support, ESH, and comfort that we can.

 

 

Aloha Deb and welcome to the  board...You already know some stuff and "Do I stay out of it" is a clue.  My early sponsor taught me to choose what I was going to do after I thought about how I wanted it to come out.  With the alcoholic/addict in my life it never came out in any sane way for me and for her so "staying out of it" became my practice.  When I made it none of my business and went about what was my  business and how I wanted things to come out for me I made much better choices for me and not for or because of her.

Might think about how you want things to come out for you in your life and home.  I'm sure that if you wouldn't want me in your life and at your place with uncontrolled drinking and/or using you'd give me a clear and easy to understand message.  I learned that in program also and used it on my alcoholic/addict son and it worked there also.

Welcome to the board...keep coming back!!   (((((hugs)))))

Debbie,

Welcome to MIP.  I am so glad you found us.  For me meetings were key to help me keep the focus on myself and not what the alcoholic is doing or better yet not doing.

What really helped is that Alanon taught me to not ask questions to things I know the answer to.  When I did, it would just harm the relationships with the ones who are struggling with their drinking.  In a sense I could feel my loved ones were ashamed they were drinking again.  Having me catch them would cause anger and deepen that shame.

Going to face to face meetings on a regular basis to learn and apply the tools of the program kept the focus on myself and leave the AH to their higher power whomever that may be.     I cannot stop an AH from drinking nor can I get them sober.  Only they can do it for themselves.  When I take my hands off others and put my energy into my program, it has been the best thing I could have done to preserve the love in the relationship.

In support,

Tommye