The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Of course the Christmas holidays are coming up and I have an 11 yr old daughter and I'm at a crossroads with my spouse. I want her to have an enjoyable holiday with some stability. I've not put any decorations up yet but I would like to for her. It will be a sad thing because of the change in the family dynamic. My spouse is tugging at my heartstrings. He has vocalized that he wants us all back together - he now "gets it" and oh how I would LOVE for that to be so. I am trying so hard to look at the facts - not the words or emotions of what has transpired over the past few months.
This is soooo difficult. My emotional well is drying up. I made the mistake of turning to my mother for compassion and just a shoulder. Once via email - no response and once over the phone when I was crying very hard. She just change the topic.
I'm also facing potential knee surgery. I've been having pain for a long time and physical therapy is not helping.
I know I am strong. I know I will get through this. Thank you for all being there. Trying to turn it over to my HP.
Sending you lots of support this morning! Please remember to be extra kind to yourself. Easy does it. When I sometimes try too hard to figure something out, I find I get in the way of being able to allow things unfold gently in front of me. One day at a time. I am glad you are here, and I am really thinking about you!
Please know you are not alone. I found family and friends could not understand or offer the support I needed during my time of crisis with the disease of alcoholism.
Meetings, calls to alanon members, posting here really helped. Connecting with people who understand as few others can, made me feel understood and gave me hope'
Thank you both. My spouse is not the alcoholic in my life but I am an adult child and he has impulse control issues. I finally expressed to him that his impulsive emotional outbursts at me have to be addressed and with help or we don't have a chance. I understand that I play a role and I've been working in Al-Anon and with a counselor. He has chosen to just say he will do better but I'm not seeing it. I do love him and I am sure his reaction will not be good. I'm at the end of my rope to know what to do. I can't change him. I don't want to but I know what behavior I cannot work with.
i kind of think yu can try and change them, by not accepting the impulses and stating that its got to change. i know its not a magic wand- but this is something which has got to change as its not fair on you- you cant be n the receiving end of someone who doesnt think of the impact it has on yu. and its not good for him too- as i bet you he regrets his impulses and has to live with the damage.
my mum has extremely poor impulse control- she is like a child in a sweet shop who just cant help nicking all the sweets.....but it got to the point where i didnt think she wanted to to stop it- even her friends wuld talk her thrugh how to react to things...and she wuld totally disregard it and give in to the impulse- the impulse is so strong at that moment and they have such a strong drive and yearning to fulfill it- its complete self gratification.
but after a series of poor impulse controls- where i was on the receving end- when it came to the third time- when my mum decided to put the phone down on me in anger instead of talking things through and working thrugh it- which she had the choice of doing- but decided against- because if she wants to hurt at that moment- thats what she wants to do
and of course- if we keep forgiving- it keeps that cycle going.....they think they can hurt and it will be forgiven because they are sick after all
after years of this- it doesnt get fair. and the last time my mum did it- i thught- right thats it buster- youve made your bd this time...and i called her bluff. when she huffed in a paddy and put the phone down...i left it like that....for many weeks
after all, in a normal situation- that person would apologise the next day....but the onus always seems to be on us to get things on an even keel again- taking the responsability for patching things up. so i didnt talk for many weeks- actually it was 4 but it felt long and it was VERY hard.
but when she spoke to me again- she was different. and the next time she felt hurt- rejected and wanted to give into an impulse- she didnt- she wrote a little note saying ow she felt instead in a respectful and honest way.
i think it gets to th point where they have t change otherwise they will be left on their own with their own impulses...as people wont take it forever. and you wont im sure there will be a time- when its just one impulse too many, and youll maybe think like i did- call their bluff- and let them lie in the bed they made
another thing my mum used to do- for years on end- is give full reign to an impulse- and then the next day she will pretend it never happened- as she regrets it so much- but thats fair enough- and its part of her condition that she cant or wont apologise...cant win em all!!!
