The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
what should i be like? ive been single since i had my son- he is getting on for 17 now, the reality of it is- i think im in danger of losing my c hance and staying like this forever. ive covered up the damage by thinking this is normal- to live withut a relationship forever because im strong and independent- dont need anybody. but to what extent can this go on? is it healthy? why all of this? to what extent can you use so much energy denying yourself things and how can you move on.
ive just realised ive spent the last ten years excusing my reasons for denying relationships- when the truth is- its probably easier- than to go through the nerosis of letting somewhere near you
i would like to know- if anyone ever gets over this chronic neurosis about themselves. ive gone past drinking and taking drugs to mask and surpress- so now im just me- but what the frig do i do wih myself?
ive got this guy- hassling for my phone number- hes dead keen- and my natural instinct is rabbit caught in headlights...lol
hang onto that mental vision...and thats me.lol, with eyes wide open and thinking....cripes...hes catching me.....quickly run away...run. and there is this man with his net trying to pin me down and me avoiding it- and when the net goes and the man gives up...ill be like, this is a bit boring...i must get round to getting some romance in my life
is this normal? of course- its immensley flattering..and my self esteem climbs and plummets......im so amazing as he likes me.....a actually im not all that....whats he like me for? why do people pair up?
ill keep y'all updated....thing is. i dont enjoy watching some really nice man tie himself up in knots over me....i dont set out to do it- i need to make up my mind and stick with a grown up decision...all of this flirting and trying to make someone like you and then when they do...you say no? is that fair? do other people do this?
right now....id like a big thumping bloody drink i tell you guys.......id love about 50 valium shoved down my neck...smoking some opiates and inhaling and then taking all this anx away. but i wont do it guys as it doesnt chang things and my sobriety is paramount. my son is wonderful and amazing and he deserves the best of me- and the best is what he is jolly well going to get.
is there anyone else thats been in the same situation? have you just been open abut it and been yourself? or have you just tried to pretend to be normal and cool and laid back...like letting people in your life is the most normal thing in the world and you do it all the time.
what has it been like for anyone else? how has anyon else got round this?
i just want to add...even though im going through an extremely rare moment of needing and wanting a real stiff drink...i wont do it- even thugh im not an alcoholicm and i know one drink stays at one...and it wont lead to a massive binge...ill just take that drink and move on. but i wont do it because its such a pathetic silly way to behave...to find yourself in the supermarket getting some drink. its not only a bit seedey but its a bit gutless to tell yu the truth...its finding a crutch and im way- way stronger thn that- dammit!!!!!! am i? i think so. i need to talk to some ACOA's is there a board of just them? this is a bit of the wrong place for me.
things will sort thmselves out im sure.....there is a presence higher than myself,,,and whatever gets put in motion will be put in motion because they shuld be...i just wish i wasnt so FREAKED OUT.....but then - if i have been single for a long time...i would be? and that makes me think....why did i do it? what a waste!!!! what a waste of experience and confidence building...ive lived like a monk i think as it was the easiest thing to do...but even now i still dont give myself a break....so much things an ACOA go through...the tough - hard as rock exterior as we think we survive well this way. we think its the thing to do- weather and tough it out- we are hard as nails- weathered thrugh the abuse and now look at us- look how strong we are...so strong we dont even need anybody.
OK I just read all of this. First hugs, be gentle with yourself. Next, what's wrong with giving your phone number?
You are strong, you have your program. You have your own life. I just read, today, in Courage to Change, that we come into this program and learn how to build relationships. We learn how to relate to others. We are not wired to live life alone but rather actually live life, engaged and actively.
You have to do what is right for you. I wouldn't let fear hold me back from giving someone my number and giving them a chance to be my friend. If you find you don't like him, then you don't have to keep talking to him.
no it make sense- thanks Jackie and thanks all i can be- nothing ventured nothing gained. frig fiddlesticks...its only a phone number...not marriage eh?
I don't have a clue what normal is... but it usually doesn't take me long to discover what ISN'T normal. My sponsor once said... "John, the only thing "normal" in your world is a setting on your washing machine!" lol
About 9 years ago, I spoke to him about a woman who wanted to kick it up a notch and get married. I was scared to death! I had made a wreck out of a marriage that I had 20 years before and just didn't feel I was cut out of the cloth that people should get married from...
He pointed me to the AA Big Book, to a story in the back of it entitled.."The Man Who Mastered Fear". I started reading... and these words came off the page at me like a bolt of lightening...
Twenty-odd years ago I made a mess out of my one and only marriage. It was therefore not extraordinary that I should shy away from any serious thought of marriage for a great many years after joining A.A. Here was something requiring a greater willingness to assume responsibility, and a larger degree of cooperation and "give and take" than even business requires of one. However, I must have felt, deep down inside myself, that living the selfish life of a bachelor was only half living. By living alone you can pretty much eliminate grief from your life, but you also eliminate joy. At any rate the last great step toward a well rounded life still lay ahead of me. So six months ago I acquired a ready made family consisting of one charming wife, four grown children to whom I am devoted, and three grandchildren. Being an alcoholic, I couldn't dream of doing anything by halves! My wife, a sister member in A.A., had been a widow nine years and I had been single eighteen years. The adjustments in such a case are difficult and take time, but we both feel that they are certainly worth it. We are both depending upon God and our use of the A.A. program to help us make a success of this joint undertaking. It is undoubtedly too soon for me to say how much of a success I shall be as a husband in time to come. I do feel, though, that the fact that I finally grew up to a point where I could even tackle such a job is the apex of the story of a man who spent eighteen years running away from life. (BigBook, 4th Edition pg. 257)
After reading the above, I decided... why not? Maybe I can do it, maybe I am cheating myself out of a lot of joy, by not sharing lifes adventures with another.... So, I got married... and a year ago I got separated, and early this year I'll be divorced...
Painful? Yes. Hard. Yes. But was it an experience I would pass up today, knowing all of this? No. I would have cheated myself out of a many great times, experiences, joys, and the growth that came as a by product of it for me.
I once heard... Life is about relationships, it is about learning how to embrace another human being so the journey can be shared... for some of us, we need more than one escort on the path of growth, because each teaches us something new, fresh, and worthy of carrying into the next journey.
John
__________________
" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
My HP certainly did not make me "normal" and I did not make much of an effort in that direction either.
Celebrate your individuality, it makes you special and interesting.
The thought of a world full of "normal clones" frightens me but I can still be bored through the fear. lol
Can you imagine a world where everyone looked alike or completed each others sentences? Would it make me happy to get a mail sack full of the same birthday card?
Maybe for me the best thing is to learn to appreciate all the joy that comes from the differences in people.
thanks ive decided i am normal, but the men who come near me dont seem to be- (lol) as they try and manipulate my interest- if im interested id snap their offer of swapping phon numbers wouldnt I? this man- ive decided i dont want him having my number- hell be phoning me all the time and he wont be able to help himself put pressure on me to tak it beyond friendship. im not saying im irresistable- i just maybe flirt when i dont really mean it or something
today he was following me at work and chatting t me all th4 time- ive got to work. and to be honest- it stops me getting to know other men at work- (im the only girl there amngst about 50 of them) i think when i was talking t this guy the other day- i enjoyd meeting him- found him interesting, and something strange happened- i liked the male company for a bit, someone taking an interest for a change. BUT i dont want him around me all th time- i DONT fancy him- quite frankly- if i did id be wanting his number off of him so fast....wuldnt I
so im stressing abut something thats just normal- if you dnt fancy someone- its a shame and a waste of a perfetly good man but its the way is it
pinkchip, dont want to have fun. coz this guy will think marriage not fun. ive learned a bt about him from the little ive known. he isolder than me and obviously looking for a wife- i am now quite angry and i feel duped in a way. if this guy came up to me and asked mefor a date- straight out- he knows id say no. so then he set about finding my weak spot to finda way in- and with all long term single mums- its thier sons and doing practical things fo them- so if someone offers me a free cr service and loads of other thngs...i instantly think- "oh how nice and friendly- yes please- what a help." and then - only later does it dawn on me its a strategy. i know that sounds paranoid- but basically chaps and chapesses, if someone isnt interested- seems out of your league - and we all have people that are out of our league- then just accept that the other person has free will and a right to choose- and dont set about manipulating. its also masking me feel captured and hemmed in- hence the post earlier about needing a stiff drink
thank goodness i didnt have one. lthough it wouldnt have set me off to alcoholism- as thank goodness i am not tha way inclined- im just so glad i didnt go drinking over this ma- who simply needs to be told to hop it
and another thing, he doesnt listen very well. does a lot of talking but not enoughn listening....and you guys know how i feel about this after being brought up by someone with a personality disorder with narcissistic traits......so to cap it all, i get back home from work- after this bloke following me everywhere and talking about cars and bike services......just because i said es- doesnt mean im mad keen....and i get home- my son wants a hot chocolate instead of making it himself= them my mum starts phoning up- and i know its her as she does a secret ring. and when i dont answer- she just keeps ringing!!! so i dontfeel validated or listened to...i know its a bit silly. but i wouldnt be able to say "sorry mum- im feeling knackered and pooped right now canyou leave this till later?) as thiswould instantly get dismissed as poppycock (britishsaying) and rail roaded right over...as mum wantsto deal withan issue- then she will dealw tih t- right then and tere. and to cap it further- its not like i couldtalk to my mum about this- have a laugh or whatever...and i think of all those many things i havent been able to lean on her over...as i have to meet her emotional needs
and to cap it all......my son wanted the internet and i was dying to go on this board...and the cats waned feeding...and i just said- right f it all.....im starting computer up- and going on this board and everyone elses needs can go to hell for today...one has had enough!!!
thank goodness for this board- where i can come and share.
i do love you guys. i know i havemoaned about al anon and its dogma and all that- but i isnt anything perspnal; to anyone person- sometimes i just think im not on the right board. but i do love you guys- i think i am just totally unstable- one of those bi polar types- high as a kite with life one minute and really low the next ad confused about hw high i was before....maybe, its a thought. its really good to know i can come on here and be accepted- validated...and waitfor it....LISTENED TO!!!! many thanks i love you guys for it i really do
I usually think of NORMAL is jsut a setting on the clothes dryer.
having an addiction or living with someone who does is not really "normal". but we all do things in much the same way. I can relate to your share.
As far as the new man in your life...Just keep in mind where you have been and dont go there again., I've ben married 43 years. I f i ever lost him I know I woudl nto even want a social friend who was an alaoholic. I have served my time!
thanks Lin. ive decided to give up this job- all because this man is stressing me out- i encouraged him by being too friendly....and i really should hav kept my head down and worked more and chatted less.
so its one more crap dirt job that hits the ground.....i seem to pick up these jobs and lose them as fast as i get hired. i think i should wrk on my painting full time.
it was only 6 hrs a week anyway....lesson learnt, if you want male attention- go dating and dont do it in a work situation! and dont leave yourself so starved of male attention and company until your judgement and reason gos right ut of the window
I know you can understand that you have these traits. You have good insight.
What I saw in those posts is a response to a fear driven thought pattern which is totally understandable.
Demands on you, demands to talk when you don't want to, demands to spend your time with someone when you didn't ask for that, the fact that you feel it is your fault because you were too friendly to this man, now you will change jobs, there would be many reasons for this, I have changed jobs that many times its not funny.
For me, no job ever seems to work out the way I thought it would becasue of the people there, or I get bored etc etc. Something happens and I start to dislike the job (infact this is happening for me now).
From what you have written, this bloke does not sound like the bloke for you. especially being that you work with him.
What is it exactly that you would want.
As far as you sounding bipolar..... I don't think so.... I can relate to thinking that as I do too. When I found out most of my personality traits were aligned with BPD, I felt more.... comfortable.. I guess???? I have something to relate to and can work on it. The psych asked if I thought I was bipolar because of how seriously labile my moods can be... so excited one minute and then totally angry and annoyed the next. Then kicking myself for being so, and round and round it goes.
Emotions, moods, thoughts, ... they are alll so confusing, especially growin gup the way you did and your history...
So to summarise again, in my opinion, you are perfectly normal for an ACoA. I do hope you stay with us...
many thanks Linda....yes this bi polar thing, i dont want to get into labelling myself, but you flt comfortable when you thought you were BPD...and this bo polar thing is the same. i want to know what i am- why i am like it- so i can do something about it. i do strive for an even keel but it doesnt seem to happen. look at me earlier- i was telling yu all i loved you-lol. but i still do, its good to appreciate people and things? being on an even keel- its sensible but it can also be emotionless....and boring
anyway- this changing jobs things- i go thrugh jobs like no one business- its not always my fault- often its down to peoples characters. which is why i may just work from hme full time and join a group or club for the social thing.
ys this man isnt for me..deffinitely not. some times you think and hope they may be and you kind of want to make them fit
what is the perfect match anyway? but someone that doesnt drive you bonkers...thats a good start (bonkers....english word for "mad- insane")
bonkers is used here too... being pommy oriented hahahaha. Come say hello to us on the ACOA board and seeif you get anymore insight from that board at all? I find I get different things from the different boards UP to you, theres a couple of us on both boards
