The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to this site and get so much comfort from reading everyone's posts.
I was dating someone for about a year. When we met he was a recent widower and seemed like a great guy. We lived about 30 miles from each other and only saw each other on weekends. After 4 months I decided to move closer to him and work. Well, this is where the true colors came out. He is a full blown alcoholic with a 16 yr. old daughter. He never let me meet his daughter. He used the deceased Mom as the excuse. But I realized he knew that she and I would team up against him for drinking. Long story short, I was an enabler to him, as I am an adult child of alcoholic who died from drinking. And, this guy's wife died from complications of Hepatisis C - drinking!
Instead of being passive and letting him do his thing, I started commenting on his behavior, and he did not like that at all. So, he kicked me to the curb. It hurt, as I really enjoyed the "morning" guy, he was the one I fell in love with. We had been broken up about a month when by fluke I found out he got a DUI. I was devastated!! But, to add insult to injury, that has NOT kept him from going to the bar daily!!
What does it take to reach rock bottom? He lost his wife, now he will pay a trendmendous amount of money to "get out of his charge". But since he has it the money, that's all he will do - buy his way out.
If he sees me in town, he just bolts the other way. I am not sure if it is anger or embarassment. Since I tried to help him. I know there is no helping an alcoholic until they ask for it.
I'm healing, but it still hurts and my heart just bleeds for his daughter! I'm sure she is the adult in the family now. I remember those days all too well myself.
im fascinated by your post, as i am a child of alcoholism and nothing would induce me to go through the same thing again with a partner, not even if the world wouldnt move any more and we would all stop existing. so im fascinated by this. but i do know what its like to get drawn towards sickness when its been the only thing you know, and i do know that when you arent healed in yurself you will keep going towards sickness. so the answer is in yourself- because yu are worthy of work on you- your place in life and what direction you are going in. i found it was a total distraction to get involved with someone sick- whom i could fix- then it would save the bother of fixing myself.....living with an addict- that way i could stay broken and nobody would notice- not even me- because i could focus on fixing my addict partner. you are worth the best- the best man life has to offer. you are worth it 100%.
Thank you TT - yes, I have attended meetings and some online meetings as well. I also go to private counseling. I think I am "finally" getting it.
Rosie - Thank you for your response as well. I have always been attracted to someone I need to "fix". I grew up too fast, at 10 yrs. old, I had adult responsibilities, and now I need to control and take care of everyone. The more I started researching and doing self-help, I found I am not only codependent, but also a bit of a love addict. I have attractions to those who have a primary addiction. I can certainly sit here and tell you, it was a very toxic relationship. Who really only wants a few hours of a person? And I think back now about how he deceived me and lied! I thanked him for letting go of me in the end. Even though the pain is getting a little easier each day, we live in the same subdivision, with one grocery store, one restaurant/bar we both go to, and one gas station. So we do run into each other. I am fine smiling and saying hi.... he turns away and walks as fast as he can. The pain is his actions. I am not the bad guy, I tried to help and I guess the truth hurts. However, thank you! I do deserve the best man life has to offer and I am worth it!
yep,, you are so worth it- you are worth someone in the top of their profession even like a doctor, a lawyer and someone who hasnt ever had any problems in life etc. they are lucky to know YOU. if you read my thread...a few abov e this, yull find im very similar to you really.
a love addict you say? lucky you...how nice. all yu need now is to get addicted to the right person and then it can be a healthy, happy thing- one where you are giving and taking and both partners are getting huge amounts out of it...
FL Sunshine, I read your story and was thinking back to when I first met my AH and he too started displaying the tell tell signs. Looking back 10 years (8 of which we have been married) I only WISH I had run the other way. I love my husband but my life has turned into something harder and darker than anything I could have imagined. I always thought being alone was hard, now I truly know that the only thing worse than being alone is WISHING you were. Can't tell you what to do, but from someone who has been there, count your blessings that this happened early in your relationship vs. later. Hugs and prayers.
Unfortunately, not one person hits rock bottom one minute before they are ready to recognize it as their bottom.
22 years ago, I was walking with another young man in early recovery and my son, who was 8 years old at the time, asked... "what do you mean by "bottom"?
I explained the best I could.... he looked at me and replied, "gawh, dad, you should have talked to me, I would have showed you where it was a long time ago!"
Today he is 30 and we both know, he wasn't talking about my bottom, he was talking about his own, as a family member that loves a alcoholic, and just wished things were different or better under the roof he was raised in for 8 years.
The alcoholics bottom rarely comes before or at the same time as those that love them. The beautiful thing about Al-Anon, is we learn we don't have to sit at their bottom with them or even stay stuck in our own...
We can heal, learn, grow and recover, regardless of what the alcoholic is or isn't doing.
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
I met the now ex A at a vulnerable time in my life. I needed someone. He certainly went out of his way to fit the mould.
Then I found out all kinds of stuff and I did not see the red flags. I know now that red flags are tremendously important.
Active alcoholics in general do not do well with being held responsible for their behavior. His reaction to dump you is pretty much standard.
The ex A played out his ambivalence about our relationship all over the place. I swallowed it as proof of my low worth. Now I know that many alcoholics vacillate between relationships. The push pull is very compelling.
I do hope you manage to get the book Getting them Sober. I think that is a great resource for all you are going through.
Thank you all for your stories and kind words of wisdom! In less than 24 hours, I feel a whole lot better and feel like I have "friends" who understand! You are all wonderful. As I put up my Christmas tree "alone", I feel sad, however, as Surfgirl123 stated, it is better than WISHING I were alone. I am happy with me .... God Bless you all!
