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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> HELP! My alcoholic ex-boyfriend finally surrenders to AA! What can I do?
Post Info TOPIC: HELP! My alcoholic ex-boyfriend finally surrenders to AA! What can I do?
serenity84


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HELP! My alcoholic ex-boyfriend finally surrenders to AA! What can I do?
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Hello, I am new to this forum and read a lot of wonderful things on here. I am currently attending Al-Anon meetings for about two months now, I have a sponser and I am working on Step One.

My ex-boyfriend of 2 and a half years recently broke up with me when he relapsed about two months ago. When we met, I knew he had a drinking problem but I was in denial because my father is also a recovering alcoholic and I realized through the program I have carried on my "survival" modes from childhood to my current relationship.

Anyways, the first time my boyfriend realized he had a problem,he surrendered right away, went to AA, got a sponser and was sober for a year and half. I was with him every step of the way and thought things were going to be better. Well, we moved in together about a year into our relationship and lived together for an entire year. The last three months were hell and he was like a whole different person.

Long story short, I noticed he was being distant, he started to question our relationship and made outlandish accusations that had no facts to support it. Basically, he started acting like an alcoholic. I didnt know what to do.

He relapsed while drinking with a friend from back home who moved to our city. He apologized profusely and went to AA, but as a typical alchoholic one drink became two,then it became three and eventually 18 drinks in one night. He relapsed.

I said I wasnt happy and took a break. That break he said "was the best thing I couldve ever done for him" However he dedcided that it was best that we broke up and that he didnt want me to wait for him in the process. This broke me completely. I agreed and sat myself in an Alnon meeting the very next day.

Presently, its been about two months and my ex-boyfriend and I have had on and off contact with one another.He seems to use our relationship as a catalyst for drinking. He says things like " i feel like your waiting for me" or "i dont see us getting back together in the future" and then the next day act like nothing ever happened.  I cant seem to stick to my boundaries because I love him so much. I forgot to mention that when he relapsed he NEVER drank in front of me. I NEVER saw bottles of alcohol, or seen him DRUNK. when he called me DRUNK only one time, he kept saying how much he loved me and kept going on about politics until the wee hours of the night. His alcoholic habits are identical to my fathers.

Since then he has called and made an attempt to say he loves and miss me and that he's ready to go into recovery and that he doesnt want to drink anymore. The first attempt didnt last too long and i found myself disspointed. So i got my sponser and started working step one, which helped.

Now, a month after the first attempt, just two days ago, we spoke and he told me again that he's really scared, and doesnt want to drink anymore. That he loves me, and that he misses me and that he's going to AA meetings. He said he wants this to stop and is struggling and very sad. Through Al anon and my sponser I am able to look at things diffrently, however I still find myself reverting back to my old ways and waiting for something to magically happen?! I know this is not possible.

But I am happy that he is seeking help, but also hoping deep down inside for us to be together again. My parents went through 25 years of marriage and were able to recover, I guess I feel like why cant I?

Anyways, anyone who has advice as to how to deal with this, would be of great help. It's been two days since he last called and I find myself worrying or thinking about him again. I was doing so well, and now I just continue to wonder why he hasnt called, or having doubts like he may be drinking again.

Any help would be great. Thank you for your time!



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stephaniej


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We try not to give advice here, but I will say that for me the key is to focus on yourself, today. That regardless of whether you end up working things out and building a life together, or going your separate ways, you need to be healthy individually. Try to focus on your own need to be healthy emotionally for yourself. If nothing changes, nothing changes. Nothing ever magically happens, at least in my experience. You make it happen for yourself! You are doing such a great thing by working the program. Keep up the good, hard work, and keep coming back!

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Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

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Welcome!

You sure sound like you are on the right track!Good for you! He sounds like he really is trying, trouble is needs more doing. But that is up to him.

As I read your post I thought how we can say it is over, but our actions show we are not. May I say your actions show you are not.

For me I am not a "part timer" I cannot pull it off. Would be like you wondering being concerned still wanting to be with him,talk to him see him off and on. But ya its over. right.

So for me I have to cut it off, let it go, or I face I am going to do my best to cont. in Al anon learn tools and use them,love my A, know his disease is his own and I can do nothing for him but take care of me. That is a good thing. He does not want his disease making you sick.

If one chooses to hang in there, they learn to accept it as is. It may mean not ever taking him seriously, not trusting him, taking him as his is. Enjoy the time you do have with him. Of course we hope they find a recovery program and do better! No different than going in to remission.

But again that is all HIS thing. I learned that my Ex AH's disease was none of my business.

I guess I would think of what I could handle. Try boundaries like, ok if we are going to have a relationship, I need to be called at least every other day. If you break this,I am no longer going to be available to you. Just an example. NOT telling you to do this!

We have to decide what we can live with. But waiting for him to get on a program is moot as he will always be an A. Always with all the symptoms of one.

Myself I chose to live with mine. That was until he became physically abusive. That was a no way for me.

I still wish I had him with me just as  a drunk, or on program. Al Anon really can help you get there in some situations.

He does mean what he says I will bet you. I am sure he is torn between needing and wanting you yet he sees what his disease does.

It really is up to you. NOT him. I am glad you parents found some serenity! that is great.

Your attitude is very good. I think I see you are just somewhat confused.

Love is great but it cannot change a disease. I am telling you being my Ex Ah's friend is what really kept us together for many many years, to getting married when he was on program.  But I was ignorant to the truths of Aism.

Keep coming. We are here to listen. If you want to vent whatever! love and hugs,debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
rosielee


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wwell- what a fine old kettle of fish , i think you are doing the total right thing by coming on here and going to meetings...most sensible.
all i can do- is offer you from another perspective- coming from an ex addicts perspective,,,,,getting clean and holding a relationship dwn is hard- it is a total trigger. not you persnally- but all of the feelings are a total trigger. to remain sober- or to get clean- you need an even keel- like a fish needs water. you need stability and normality and routine. if you havent got that- then its not going to happen. using you as an excuse to drink...is quite common too though, as its any excuse in the early days- to relapse...its the bills...or a bit of stress...until you realise you just have to suck it up and cope just like everyone else does...we cant all run to the bottle- wouldnt we all like to blotto the bad bits out. you are strong when you get to the stage when you are weathering it all without relying on your crutch of drink or drugs of choice for support. but the relationship thing...in my experience and in my own personal book- i personally think sobriety and staying away from drugs comes first...and i did put it first. and in that way i gained success. nothing is more important in life- than getting your life back on track. as for you- what you should do- is do what every person on here is telling you to do- and focus on you and your own life- that way with a bit of luck- you and this chap might meet in the middle.

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rosie
Tracy


~*Service Worker*~

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Hi I can only share my experience strength and hope.  My partner went to AA 2 and a half years ago he was sober 6 months I thought everything was going to be rosy he slipped then for a good couple of months it was horrible then he finally went to rehab for 6 months and 3 months in dry house as soon as he left started to slip again. he has just started to come out of this he is sober 9 weeks living and breathing AA.  I seperated from him we saw each other for the first time last night.  We love each other but he is too sick to be able to give me what I want .  We have decided to be friends go pictures etc once a months keep contact but focus on our own lives.  I find it hard to concentrate on myself when i am living with him, and he needs to become respoonsible for himself.  I am handing it all over.  today i have focus on what is good gor me I love him but my life has to be good if he makes it or not.  I have worked really hard I am moving into my new house tomorrow and start my new job after xmas.  He is in a cold house living on little money but he is moving in the right direction.  I am only incontrol of my life.

 

keep coming back and you will learn how to detach , not take it personal and love yourself.

 

hugs tracy xxxxxx



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tommyecat


~*Service Worker*~

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Serenity,

I am so glad you are here, welcome to MIP.  For me the best thing I could do when I was new was to keep moving through the steps with my face to face sponsor.  Specifically, the 4th and 5th steps and to complete the steps that follow. 

My loved one never surrended to AA but that did not mean I could not receive the gifts this program of action has to offer.  So, I continued on with the steps and being actively sposored in the Alanon program. 

I choose to stay with my loved one, one day at a time.  That decision became very clear to me once I finished the 4th and 5th steps.  Everyone comes to a different conclusion as to what is right for them.  For me, it has been a decision I have never regretted.

Bottom line the best thing I can do for my loved ones that struggle with alcoholism is to take care of myself and keep my side of the street clean.  When I take my hands off others and focus on the things I can change then my whole world is colored differently.  It is truly a O.D.A.A.T deal.

Please keep coming back and sharing.  I love to meet newcomers to this board.  Thank you for sharing from the heart today.

In support,

Tommye



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