Does time still heal if you stay? - Al-Anon Family Group

jessicat · Member

Does time still heal if you stay?

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I hear you and understand the pain of which you speak. I found alanon when in the grips of that pain and have not left since.

I found that alanon tools lifts the pain Meetings, steps, slogans, sponsers, placing principles above personalities, living one day at a time all help to l ift the pain

Time alone, without this help does not cure this deep pain.

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

I felt anger and pain. I was so very mad and struggling and felt like I was drowning.

If I had continued on without this I think time would have made it worse. Because I found Al-Anon now as time goes on life improves.

Find a few of the friends on here who have been on for a long time, go back and read their early posts, to now and it shows the difference!

nyc018 · Senior Member

I felt the same, that sickening feeling in my gut, the constant anxiety and the realization that my AH was deeply entrenched in this sickness.
It can get better - I can say I am much better now than I was 3 months ago when my life seemed to be collapsing around me. But I absolutely had to let go - mentally - in order to start to heal. I'm still not totally where I want to be, but I'm doing better. For me, separating from him was necessary as well. I still see him, and I am taking it a step at a time.
I find that when crises happen you just have to go into self-protection mode. Keep going to meetings, coming here, and read Alanon literature when you can. I also recommend "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. I read that during my last crisis and can say it provided me with a lot of comfort and knocked a lot of sense in me during a very rough time.
This too shall pass. Sending you esh,
nyc

Very Very Tired · Senior Member

I found Al-Anon in January of this year--finally crawled in the door in miserable shape.

The pain still hits me some days like a ton of bricks (my AH is still very active in his disease). What is different now is that I know the pain will pass. I know I have tools to get through the intensity of the pain: I call my sponsor if it gets too intense. I go to a meeting. I read some Al-Anon literature. All of it helps lift the 2-ton elephant off my chest.

The biggest thing that has helped me is admitting in a room full of people who understand that yes, all of this stuff really hurts. Acknowledging my pain and feeling it has helped me to let go of some of the intensity.

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

jessicacat, I can relate to your words completely. When everything 'hit the fan' and my mind was aware of the extent of the problem I was, quite literally, in shambles; Losing sleep, couldnt eat, crying...a mess the whole nine yards... Then I found Al-Anon and started working the steps. I got myself a sponsor and just kept going to meetings, reading on here, and reading literature. I had to hit a rock bottom, though, to get to the point where I was able to take step 3. A severe traumatic event happened which I have spoken about in many previous posts. My husband almost died due to drug overdose and I realized that all my nagging, all my trying, all my snooping.. all my futile worrying.. and for what? If God wants him, he will take him and it is completely out of my control!! I had, what they call, a sort of, spiritual awakening and realized that step 1 step 2 and step 3 were real life things that I definitely can benefit from and don't really have a choice because I believe them to be true. Once I hit my rock bottom for many days I was a turtle in a shell; hiding, crying, felt hopeful then hopeless than hopeful again. But every day that I work on myself I get stronger.. its progress not perfection, as they say. I needed time away from my AH.. he is currently in rehab and this has been good for me.. Its time for my own growth, I can work on me... I am hopeful he works on him too.. but regardless, I will be okay.

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I think over time without the help of al anon I felt worse. I kept calculating the dates/years time I had invested in the relationship.

What I wasn't counting was that I hadn't invested in myself. Al anon was the beginning of that. The al anon tools of detaching, working on ourselves, getting a different perspective really do help regardless of what an addict/ alcholic does.

Leaving is just one issue for many of us. I "left" coming up to 5 years ago. I have had no contact for a long long time. Certainly I am still dealing with lots of issues some of them related to the addiction of my former AH but most of them my own issues which I've never dealt with successfully.

No one here is going to demand you "leave" or make a decision this week. There are many people here who stay with an alcoholic, co parent, have a child who is an alcoholic. They don't just cut off all contact overnight (even if they want to). The great thing about al anon is no one is going to judge, categorize or tell you what to do. They will share their Experience Strength and hope and through that you can see the tools working successfully in so many lives.

I hope you will be willing to give al anon a chance. I know I am certainly glad I have.

maresie.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Time does not heal if you take no actions. Time heals after a traumatic event, a break up, but time does not heal when it comes to dealing with something active and ongoing. In this instance, time plus alanon and work on you will make it better.

Mark

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Time will heal all wounds is a lie.

If we don't work on what ever it is we need to, we get stuck and years can go by!

It's like active A's. Mine lost so many people to death when he was actively drunk and doing about any drug for years. Then he sobered up and started on program and BAM! All those losses hit him at once, he had not grieved or done any work on his losses at all!

I didn't know how to grieve when my first husband was killed. No one thought to guide me. I did end up going to a womans group and that helped me so much. Back then there was not much on grieving in books!

Anyway I remember feeling as you do. Was horrible, went thru an anorexic period as I could not eat.

The disease gets progressively worse so you may be seeing that. I hope you keep coming, at the end of this share is a number to call to find meetings in your area. And believe me pot, alcohol, herion all of it does not matter which, Al Anon can help US.

Its work. I came here such a puddle. Was even suicidal one night. It was MIP friends who kept me going, and cared.

I was promised a miracle if I kept coming. So I did, over ten years later I am still here. yes it gets better, and YES you have a miracle if you work the program with all your heart.

We can stop even caring if the A uses or not. Its his or her business not ours. We can learn if we can accept them as is and love them and stay or we can work at being ready to end it.

Its all his stuff, not yours.

Myself I advocate for everyone to have their own money, car, home, insurance what ever. So if anything happens, the one left can carry it all.

Not just A's die or go away! Mine is an A however was in long recovery and had a brain tumor removed that made him a monster. could have happened to anyone. I lost everything except my love for my HP who is the creator.

YES you will get better if you work your program. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other, doing the footwork and allowing hp to bring the result. tehre are LOTS of things to learn! It can be exciting as you KNOW you working towards making it better.

And we are here to care, listen and guide you. AND we need you too!

hugs,debilyn

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

A tonne of bricks is mild compared to the pain that I feel at times.
I wish it felt like only one tonne.

I am not hurting so deeply every moment of every day like I was 4 months ago. Yes it still has moments and days and weeks where I am just a total mess.

I have rekindled a relationship with my HP and that helps.

I don't think it will ever stop personally, but we can learn to deal with it.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, I had intense pain physical pains. I often found my self stressed out beyond belief and bouts of anxiety. I was living each day waiting for the next shoe to drop and my world to spin out of control.

I had to go to alanon not because I wanted to. It was like the last house on the block for me. I was in such emotional, physical, and spiritual pain I could not find joy, laughter, happiness in my life. I was miserable and at that point I knew I needed help.

Pain is the touchstone of all spiritual progress. When I got in enough pain, I was willing to do something different. That is when I got a sponsor, worked the steps with her and received the gifts of the program has to offer.

Pain, anger, shame, and guilt are all signs for me that I need to take an action. Going to a meeting is always a good choice. Calling my sponsor and talking it out with her asking for an action to take to help me move through it is another good choice for me.

I am so glad you are here. Please keep sharing with us. It is so healing to be able to express what weighs so heavy on our hearts.

In support,

tommye

odalis · Veteran Member

I can totally relate to you. When I finally came to grips with the fact that this is the reality of my life, I cried for months. At first I thought it would magically get better, like "Oh I know what the problem is, great!" But honestly, it got worse for me because I was more depressed and anxious than ever and all I could think of was how sick he was.

Alanon and counseling changed that. Through both of these I am learning to work on myself. And it has gotten better and I FEEL better than I did 5 months ago. I am not obsessed with my husband anymore, I am not thinking about him 24/7 and how sick he is. Are there days when I do cry because this is what it has come to...Absolutely. There are also days when I cry because this is what my marriage has come to. I am not ready to leave yet and I don't know if or when I will be. But for now Alanon and counseling is working for me.

It does get better!!

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

Big ((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))) to you.

I know just how you feel. It does get better as the others have said, if you work at this program and on yourself. Learning to refocus is the key. Study Detachment and learn to practice it.

When I finally came to believe and admit to myself that my DH was an addict I went through a period of intense pain and sadness. I was devastated at that moment. To me it seemed like my whole world had been turned upside down. How would I be able to live with a husband who could never be trusted? What if he even got sober then years later put me through all this pain again? How could I stand that? What about our children?

These and many other questions and revelations where spinning through my head.

Al-Anon and the wonderful members at meetings and here on this board saved my sanity and helped me through it all.

That was about three years ago, now. My life has changed a lot. My dreams have been revised. I have many blessings that I thought were lost to me. That pain I felt as I was in a crisis of accepting this disease is now gone, but it took a long time and a lot of work on myself.

I have been in Al-Anon almost 6 years and I will always be. What I have gained in sanity and serenity I will always be grateful for.

Stay with us. Find meetings that work for you. One day at a time, it will get better.

jessicat · Member

Odalis and Jen, thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I'm not exaggerating when I say that they helped me get through the day, which did not start off well. My husband woke up sober and instead of enjoying the opportunity, I spent the entire morning and part of the afternoon fixated on whether or not he would sneak into the garage to get high. I was literally sick to my stomach.

Then I read your posts and it lifted the feeling in my gut. I was able to enjoy a nice afternoon with him and meet friends for dinner with no drama, craziness, or fear on my part. He drank a fair amount and you know what? I didn't even have to bite my tongue. I just enjoyed myself, made sure I drove us home safely, and was able to completely turn off my usual fears.

Thank you so much for giving me that opportunity. Had I not read your post there is no way I would've enjoyed my evening.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.