His relapse and my guilt - Al-Anon Family Group

sookie · Senior Member

His relapse and my guilt

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I know you love him, it's so apparent!

What you said is right. You will know what to do when the time comes. till then, one day at a time.

This one tiny thing helps me so much. To get thru ONE day, enjoy it as best I can, and thank Hp for it every night.

The disease has taken my loved ones too. I remember being so close and not being about to believe it either that he was gone. Now i cannot remember how it felt. Just that I knew we were...

hugs,deb

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi sookie,

I know the guilty feeling all too well. I remember feeling horrible when my husband was out of the house and struggling in so many ways. He relapsed numerous time in the 20 months we were apart.

I found solace in reading literature and reminding myself that I didn't cause his relapses, nor was it a good idea to make any decisions based on guilt.

I like what Tommyecat shared in one of the post recently. She wrote that when she is not certain what to do, she does what is in her best interest. (or something like that.)

I recall feeling so, so guilty of his plight. That is why I went to Al-Anon for the first time back in March. I went in with a 100 lb. bag of guilt strapped to my back. Now I dropped that bag some time ago.

Taking care of you and your children is your responsiblity. His problem is his to solve.

Place him in HP's hands. When my husband's really got sick and tired of his disease, he began doing something about it and continues to work on it one day at a time. Truly, he was near death's door.

(Actually, my husband is legally my ex; but we reunited this summer after his successful rehab.)

-- Edited by GailMichelle on Wednesday 30th of November 2011 10:04:29 PM

-- Edited by GailMichelle on Wednesday 30th of November 2011 10:07:01 PM

mehere80 · Member

Oh Sookie I can relate in many ways, I'm in a similar spot. I listen to the wise alanon people I encounter and they tell me, "you cannot take away his pain and you can no longer take on his problems". This disease leads to unimaginable suffering, and now is his time with that but this too shall pass.

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

The tremendous pain he is feeling as a result of losing so much can be the doorway to his recovery.

My husband's pain was unbearable; it brought him to his knees and he practically crawled into the rehab facility. He was a mess and I wasn't certain he'd make it.

Now, I believe in miracles after witnessing his change. I now believe that as long as a person is breathing, there is hope. I truly had lost all hope before.

nyc018 · Senior Member

Hi Sookie,
Please try to be gentle on yourself. I don't know if you have "Getting Them Sober" but there's a lot in that book about irrational guilt. You've done nothing wrong, in fact leaving him to his own devices and taking care of yourself and your kids is the best thing you can do for both of you. Alcoholics often try to make others feel guilty -it is part of the pity party they engage in. Somehow everyone and everything is responsible for their behavior except themselves.
Of course you love him - he's still your husband and kids' father. Detaching doesn't mean you have to stop loving him - it just means that you don't take the weight of his problems on your shoulders. I think the best thing for him now is being with other AA members who truly understand what he is going through and can guide him in ways that you can't. Take it a day at a time. And most of all, take care of yourself and your kids, and don't feel bad about putting that first. Sometimes when we start doing that, others follow suit.
Wishing you lots of support, nyc

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

the holidays are a huge trigger for many a recovering A.

Some places have 24 hour round the clock meetings every hour for both Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Relapse is a hard thing. Think of it like this. As a codependent I certainly relapse all the time. I can get angry, frustrated and feel not very great with the world. I can feel shame, anger and depressed too. Many a day (like yesterday) I slip. Does anyone rush to my side? Would an alcoholic do that. Believe me I requested help when I felt really bad from the now ex A all the time. He rarely if ever responded.

Why do we feel like if anything is wrong we have to respond. If you have children Christmas must be a huge surge in working/finding the time to get it all together. Is there someone out there who is rushing to get help for you.

I felt a lot of guilt for a while that the ex A found himself homeless and penniless. Then when I helped him it was like a black hole whatever I did was not enough. I decided I wanted something reciprical. I never had that except for a fleeting moment with him. He certainly "gave" at times but there were pretty slim times. When he was homeless he felt entitled to my help. When I was sick with pnemonia he certainly was not getting me any soup, he wasn't running errands, he wasn't getting my prescription.

I have been over responsible for others all my life. Al anon helped me to take it back and focus on myself.

Maresie.

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