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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> things that have helped - 4 months
Post Info TOPIC: things that have helped - 4 months
Lindaoakford


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things that have helped - 4 months
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Well, I have been on the ACoA and Al Anon board now for about 4 months.  I come here every day.

I find myself now reading other posts and not thinking.. 'Yeahhh I have that question too" although I still do at times, I find myself sometimes now saying "oooo I remember asking that and this is what I was told".

So... last month I posted what I thought had changed in my life in a practical sense,  and what I now do in relation to my husband smoking pot.  This month I would like to say what has helped me in this time, not just to deal wtih my husband, but has helped ME.

When I started here I used to cut and paste and print out what people said to me and keep it in a folder and everyday, before going home from work, I would read thorugh it.  Do the deep breathing exercises and imagine my HP with me before I went home.  I just looked back through that folder today and found some from RLC.  That made me smile.

I challenged all my thoughts.  I questioned everything.  I listened to everything that was said to me even when I had a little hissy fit in my chair at the person. 

Every questoin that was asked of me I answered either on here to the person, or in my head.  That has helped me explore ME and MY reasons for being where I am.

The best thing that I still do now every time I have a feeling... I think.... what is my motivation.... Instead of asking WHHYYYYYYY!!!!! why does he do this to me rah rah.. I now ask Why am I having difficulty with this situation.  why do I want to respond like that.  Why do I want to ask him that? Why do I want to talk about his using right now?  Why do I feel the need for that answer?  Why do I want to be lied to? and the best bit of all.. what am I going to do with the answer.

What is my motivation for ... whatever.

The other thing is... "it is any of my business"?  Is it affecting me directly right now.  Sometimes the answer is yes and then.. how important is it... is it worth the feelings that I get when I do that action/reaction.

I was challenged by someone.. cant remember who.. they asked me if my husband had not ceased smoking pot when we moved in together, woudl I have still loved him?  Would I still want tobe with him?  Woudl I have accepted it as part of our life.

AT first I argued in my head.. of course not.. don't be mad.. blimey.. We are only together cos he stopped rah rah rah....

I justified that when he was smoking an ounce a week/fortnight he was only a friend wiht benefits, no one special to me.  Thefact is.. I fell in love wiht him then.  He was a total pot head and I fell in love with him.  Why can't I love him now????? He is smoking nothing like he used to be.  He may be like that again one day... but is my husband not my best friend?  If he were 'only' my friend I woudl be ok with it, but I can't treat my husband like my best friend????

That allowed me to accept things a bit more.

My idea of 'normal' has changed.  I equated it with 'perfect' I think.  If it wasn't perfect then it wasn't right.  I still want to be 'usual', 'common', 'part of the majority', and I feel I am more like that now that I felt I was before.

Separating my identify from that of my husband was the biggest hurdle I think I have tried to get over.  Can't say I have done it all the way yet, but taking my self of sense as my own responsibility.  That has helped ALOT!!!

The biggest thankyou I would lke to give this board is.... thankyou for allowing me to see there is an alternative to divorce.  I belive I would be divorced or dead by now if I hadn't learned to look at myself productively.

My husband now smokes every day before work.  When I came here he was smoking a few times a week I think and I was so much in a spin I just wanted to die as that woudl be easier, but thought there isno second option to that now is there.

So I tried this.  I take what I like and leave the rest.  I hope you do the same.

 

When I came here soemone asked me what I wanted... I said "to feel calm".  Guess what I feel today????? It may be different tomorrow, I will deal with that then.

 

 



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Linda - a work in progress
Jerry F


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It does work when you work it huh?  You've done what I have done also.  I am also an analytical...lots of questions and musings and requestions and remusings.  My elder sponsor knew that my head stumbled and stopped on every question it was ever asked and so he asked me lots of questions.  He knew I would analyze the question and look for perspective in the process.

You thinker is still working good.  Thanks for the share LindaO...(((hugs))) smile



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hotrod


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Thanks Linda

It is a powerful tool to reflect back to see how far we have come.  I like to do a 10 th Step every night to see how I have grown or changed and responded differently that day   It is another gift of this program

Great work



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

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Lindaoakford


~*Service Worker*~

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its scarey to think my posts are now referred as coming from a 'service worker' I am not comfortable with that connotation.
It presumes, to me anyhow, that I have been around a while...
I wonder if that could be reviewed????


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Linda - a work in progress
GailMichelle


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You've grown so much in just 4 short months. Congrats!

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Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die.  Malachy McCourt
pineapple


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¨.....I was so much in a spin I just wanted to die as that would be easier, but thought there is no second option to that now is there.¨
I have also felt that way. It's no exaggeration when I say this board has been a lifesaver. Linda, you've made tremendous progress! Thank you for sharing your journey.

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Jackie11


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Lindaoakford wrote:

My idea of 'normal' has changed.  I equated it with 'perfect' I think.  If it wasn't perfect then it wasn't right.  I still want to be 'usual', 'common', 'part of the majority', and I feel I am more like that now that I felt I was before.

Separating my identify from that of my husband was the biggest hurdle I think I have tried to get over.  Can't say I have done it all the way yet, but taking my self of sense as my own responsibility.  That has helped ALOT!!!

The biggest thankyou I would lke to give this board is.... thankyou for allowing me to see there is an alternative to divorce.  I belive I would be divorced or dead by now if I hadn't learned to look at myself productively.

My husband now smokes every day before work.  When I came here he was smoking a few times a week I think and I was so much in a spin I just wanted to die as that woudl be easier, but thought there isno second option to that now is there.

So I tried this.  I take what I like and leave the rest.  I hope you do the same.

 When I came here soemone asked me what I wanted... I said "to feel calm".  Guess what I feel today????? It may be different tomorrow, I will deal with that then.

 

 Thank you for sharing! My idea of normal has changed too, and the perception of perfect. I've absolutely seen how I am responsible for me! I'm learning so much and I too am so very thankful for this board! It's quite literally changed my life!!!



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Pushka


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Hugs Linda .. look at you grow!! P:)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Breakingfree


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Keep up the good work Linda! Sending you love and support!

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

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" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

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Michelle814


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Linda, you are strong and really working a great program. I love reading posts like this because they inspire me. I, too, feel I have other options besides divorce which makes me feel better about life since I truly love my husband. That being said, if I need to make that move for myself, I will.. but ODAAT, right.

Thanks for sharing and keep it up.

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Michelle!

No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
pinkchip


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You were doing service the whole time by working at this as hard as you have been and sharing with us.

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Debilyn


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Linda you are so cool! (c: I want to come to Australia grab ya and just walk all over! lol

Just yak and eat and walk your dogs.

You do sound great. I am sure I am one of the ones who you stomped your feet at and called a bloody cow. lol I can take it! Even if we are wrong, it makes the other person think.

What you share will be so valuable to many. I loved what ya said about sharing what you learned. That is a huge key to Al Anon. When I get mixed up or down or sick from ex AH or some other person who is A, I can forget the simplest things. Its sooo nice when people remind me one day at a time. Or let go or whatever The disease can make us sick so fast.

thank you for sharing your progress! love,debilyn



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