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I had read somewhere Resently that when you lose someone you never ramain the same once they are Gone from your world...
I have thought on this long & hard for the last couple weeks, and I now can see it as So... I have spent Many Restless Hours Trying to stay Out of Denial & into Prayer... Its not been that of an Easy trip, but it has provin to be most Helpful in my Recovery :)
This Past Weekend, I went to dinner with a couple peeps from My Group, and then hit a Meeting afterwards.. we had a Great Crawd and Tons of Laughs & good times... There was a Lady that we all know that use to be from our area, that was visiting for the holiday so it was so we could all get together with her so it was nice, :) and another Lady with us, also had a 27 yr alanon birthday that same evenning =)
Sunday I Took off to cut some Wood with my Family, and it was a busy day, Burning Brush, Cuttin Down Trees, Pullin Vines, Mowing & Dreaming as We always tend to do when we go to this property... All Good things tho... Once the boys took Over for a while I Took OFF... Headed to the woods, the Highest Point, and then Climbed into my husbands Hunting stand, 25' Up, and just sat there for an Hour... Listened to the water, the birds, the warm air on my face, with no distractions... (Minus the One Passing Train :) But in that Hour, I had Given myself Permission to just BE... I Use to Never be able to Sit still... Always Moving even if I wasn't making progress, just moving... Rapidly, swiftly, hurry hurry, to the point of Insantiy most days...
I Forgot what those moments felt like, I shed some tears, but at the same time, I Shared some with those I miss the Most... I know HP was alway by myside, and I have seen him in everyday since...
I had told some that I was Know Longer Dwelling the Death of my Afather anymore, I was Celebrating his Life instead... Well Yesterday was his Passing Day, and I have to say... He Let me know I Promised to Celebrate... For every where I Turned there he was, People Asking about him, His Brother (who lives away), His Nephew Calling me after not speakin to me in about 3 years (due to Distance & Life), Him turning Buttons on in my truck that Beeped None Stop, (Dad Always thought he was Funny, As did everyone else) I got Stuck in a Dress in a Dressing room for about 15 minutes total, and that is pretty much how the entire day went, and had that happened on a "Non-Al-Anon Version of Me Day"... I would have Cussed to the High Heavens, and been asking WHY ME? ...lol...
Yesterday It didn't matter, He Was making sure i Knew what I said, and he was Holding me to it..
I Thank My HP for Giving Me Moments now Such as these...They help me see My Human Side, and Allow me to Accept myself right were I am...
The Sorrow I carry from the ones I Love & Miss Dearly doesn't go away, it refreshes & renews, and gives me a Chance to Remember them as they were...As they were to Me, and I don't just me My A-father I have loved & Lost so many, and yet... My Pain is still on the surface, but my heart tells me they will continue to make me stronger regardless wether they are hear or in heaven...I Still have selfish moments were I Wish I Could Hold them one more time, or see their Smile, or make them Laugh, but this program as taught me they will Never be Gone as long as My Love for them is Real... And I Don't have a Problem with that.. :0 )
Hp Has Gifted Me Peace, & My Prayers for you all this Holiday Season, for For nothing Less then Peace, Happiness, Friendship, & Fellowship... Love who you have Now, and Love Who You Are Now, because Tomorrow You will be Differant :) Then when they are Gone, that Love can Keep on Growing ... Thanks for Being here & Thanks for Letting me Share...
Jozie...your growth and recovery has been sooo special. It is a blessing that you reflected it back into MIP so that others can see and understand and want the same. Mahalo Nui!! ((((hugs))))
A touching tribute to all that you have Loved and Lost. HP is always with us and although our loved ones are not witin our physical sight we can touch their memories and love when we reflect inward.
I had very mixed feelings when both of my parents died. Over time I have come to feel less intense feelings. At the same time I can certainly acknowledge that they were deeply troubled.
What I have been able to get to which is such a relief is a acceptance that since they were so ill they certainly could not provide me with help, support and care. I have had to get that elsewhere. That deep acceptance that that was the way it was is such a relief from the deep pain and grief of acknowledging the truth about my childhood.
I know for me acceptance didn't appear overnight. I also know I worked long and hard in therapy, in groups and in al anon to get to that place. It is a huge achievement for me. I am so glad you are at a place of peace and comfort around your father's death. I know it is not from denial but from working extremely hard to get to a place of self nuturing and love.
