Family Guilt trips - Al-Anon Family Group

amills4294 · Senior Member

Family Guilt trips

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

You are taking care of YOU and working your program!!! It is difficult when it comes to family, we love them but they can be unrealistic.

Be strong, and nice, and just hold to your reasons, you are overwhelmed and you know your limits. Perhaps you and your daughter can have a cookie baking day and make cookies for everyone or something along those lines? If they are local that is.

Hugs to you!!!!

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

My family does sort of the same thing and I stand tall in my decision not to participate - They all know I"m cash poor so I'm pretty sure they understand. There are worse things to survive than your family's being unhappy with you. I don't see anything wrong with not participating and I see everything right in standing up for yourself. Fire it right back at your brother - he doesn't truly understand your reasons for not wanting to participate.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

This topic reminded me of a quote from our Alanon literature, "there are no victims, just volunteers."

No one can make me feel shame or guilt when I take an action that is in my best interest. It sounds like you made a decision that was best for you and your family. Stand behind your decision because to thine own self be true.

I give my serenity away and have no peace on the inside when I am bedfellows with guilt and shame. To the extent I permit these negatives in my life, I errode the relationship I have between me and my HP.

So for me it is a choice, an action I take to be responsible for my attitudes and inner being. If I can remember, they are not doing it to me, they are just doing it, then I am less likely to surrender to the negative.

Keep moving forward and stand strong in your ability to make solid decisions for your family. You are right where you need to be.

In support,

Tommye

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

If you don't have it there is ample reason to bow out.

As I've said in a couple of posts, expect there to be a lot of opposition if you set a boundary. They don't exactly say hooray you got boundaries. Boundaries are like red flags to a bull to an active alcoholic.

Of course you are not selfish. It is permitted in life to screw up. Some of us do it daily. In an alcoholic household there is no screwing up. Everything is a reason to resent and hold it against someone. There is a chit of who does what and when and of course there is a merrygoround of guilt, shame and blame.

Opting out has its consequences. Some families don't like boundaries. I happen to insist on them these days and I know that makes many people uncomfortable. For me the cost of not having boundaries right now is too high.

Maresie.

amills4294 · Senior Member

I finally decided it just isn't worth the battle. I told my brother why I didn't want to participate this year but that I honestly didn't have the energy to defend my choice and that if he felt the need to throw mine and my daughter's name in the hat then so be it.

Some things are just really not worth it in the scheme of things. However, I do feel like I let the "little girl" inside me down.

The ironic thing is my brother never comes home for the holidays because he and his wife can't deal with all the family stuff etc. They choose to stay at their home in NC - just the two of them by themselves. Has anyone ever guilted them? No. His decision has always been respected.

I'm tired and I'm ranting. I'm thankful for this board - I'm thankful for my new friends.

Much love to you all.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

This is one of the reason I don't do holidays at all. I find it insane people try to make others buy gifts!

We like to give presents from our hearts! I don't feel I need a day any holiday to remind me to get someone a gift. I do it when I feel like it, when it is totally out of love for someone.

The concept of holidays is actually very nice, but really face it, its not as it is.

What happened to making someone cookies? Knitting someone a special sweater or scarf? My friend used to give me oranges with a million cloves stuck in it! I loved that. Another friend had to have spent days making all these really cool special cookies.

What are we teaching our children with these "controlled presents?"

For me I follow my heart. The hypocrisy, the materialism, the greed of it all ruined it for me many years ago.

I would be happy if it was just a time of year to decorate!

Hugs, You have to make your own decisions. I mean to me it would be more fun for everyone to have to get each person twenty five of something.

aw just send your brother a puppy......hahahah love to you kiddo,deb

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