The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Things have been rockly lately. AH has been having wild mood swings, things have not been stable.
When I got home from work last night I walked into an complete melt down from him. He said he was upset because he hadn't finished dinner for me, the grill ran out of gas, and he couldn't get a cardboard box taped back together (this is normal life stuff but for him trauma). He wasn't physical towards me but was wildly agitated, throwing things, crying hysterically, saying he didn't want to live anymore. It was truly horrific to see someone you love in such deep peril and I really didn't know what to do.
I know I am supposed to detach in these situations but really what do you do? I couldn't walk away from it, he was literally melting down, I think it was a severe anxiety attack. When I finally got him somewhat calmed down we talked about how he has stopped gong to AA, stopped going to his counselor and basically has been doing nothing but white knuckling his sobriety. He says he is sober, who knows? He is a multiple addict and says that the AA people don't understand his addictions, I tell him that there are no other groups in our area that he can attend (no NA or SA) so AA is the best we have. I just don't know what to do anymore and don't know how much longer I can take it. I worked 10 hours yesterday only to come home to hours of this. I am a strong person but I think I am about to break.......
I used to try to think of it as witnessing a storm. Scarey...but time limited...it will blow over.
Do you have a sponsor? anyone you can turn to in crisis? sometimes addiction can put us in a place beyond our own coping resources...have you reached out to any counselors? has he?
hang in there....sending you heaps of positive JUJU
I like what rehprof said about the storm blowing over, and being scary. I know how this is just normal stuff but for him it was trauma, oh I get that. I've noticed that the calmer I stay the quicker the situation is over.
I do know that sometimes you can't just get away. In that situation I pray throughout it.
I know that we have to determine what we can and can't accept for us. I know that we have to work towards our own serenity and peace. Sending hugs and support!
I know all too well about those storms. I remember the first time I was able to detach and watch it unfold in my loved one without participating in it. In my mind I was saying whoa, I cant believe what I am seeing, whoa I cant believe I am calm. In my head the thought came "that is not your stuff, that's his stuff".
I kept my mouth shut, watched everything unfold as I do in meetings listening when people have powerful emotional shares. As long as I am in no physical danger, I carry on with what I am doing and give that person the dignity to unwind.
If I stand back and allow the person to go through the experience they created they may hit a bottom. Personally, I feel it is when I hit a deep emotional bottom and my life was so unmanageable, I sought help in Alanon.
I know it is difficult to watch the ones you love in deep emotional turmoil. Alanon has given me some tools, meetings, and a loving sponsor I can reach out to. When I am grounded in the center of my program I find it is easier to detach with love and honor the emotions and feelings of those around me.
I like all the responses you got here, and thats just it, when I surrendered to the first three steps, I found it easier to stop trying to help someone through their own stuff. Like a 2 or 3 year old having a tantrum, if I just walk away, it usually just ends on its own. Alanon has helped me gain this ability. I have had moments like that myself in the past where I was the one throwing a tantrum and if someone came in and tried to get involved with it, it would have made it go on longer. By detaching from other people's stuff I am able to just take care of me and detach with love :) HUGS
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
quoting Tommye "that is not your stuff, that's his stuff". remember this. you are two separate bodies and souls and minds. This is hard when your loved one is in a major crisis. I was very much pulled in while my husband was overdosing because he was quite literally dying in front of me. I HAD to be involved. to call the paramedics and watch his breathing to see if i needed to do CPR. once he was at the hospital, however, I left. I left him there because I could not emotionally deal with it. I was traumatized by seeing his lips blue and his body convulsing and I had to phsyically remove myself at that time. This was my emotional bottom. I knew then i had no control at all and this incident made me able to truly just let go and let God. One day at a time because I feel my mind get pulled back to old thinking. But then I pray to my HP to give me the serenity, the courage, the wisdom, and the strength to work on me and let him go. You are not alone, surfgirl. I know how you feel.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
My ex ABF was much the same, normal life setbacks would send him into an emotional tailspin. I would show up at his place to pick him up after my own work day and he would vomit all this negative reactivity stuff onto me. He seemed to have no coping mechanisms whatsoever, he was like a little leaf getting blown about at the whim of the wind.
I like what tommye says about allowing them to go through the experience that they created. If I'm always there to rescue and coddle, he'll never learn to rescue himself.... never learn to set boundaries for his own interactions with the people who "make him nuts", never learn to prioritize tasks so as not to get overwhelmed, etc.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
Hello Surfgirl. So sorry you are facing this. I'm not a veteran member, but am lucky to have a great home group for F2F meetings (and now these boards) where I hear some great things I'd like to share with you: A person recently said- "Who are YOU to take anyone else's pain away? It was your pain that brought you to Al-Anon and someone else's pain that brought them to AA." It sounds like you did handle the scenario very well, there are no perfect solutions.
I too, am struggling with detaching while watching my husband in pain and I picture it in my head this way: I'm on a boat, it's dark outside and the waters are choppy- a storm is around us. My husband is in the water, tiring out from treading. I've thrown him a lifeline but he can't see it, he refuses to see it in his panic and despair and keeps shouting to me that he's going to stop treading and that I need to jump in with him. I know what will happen if I jump in there. I can be of no use to him if I do, and I'm a goner myself. What I need to do is keep throwing that lifeline out and hope that he will grab onto it and pull himself up.
Thank you everyone for answering with your insight and warmth. I find myself re-reading your messages over and over and they are more helpful than you can imagine. Mehere80, that is a really good analogy. My AH has made an appointment with his counselor and hopefully he will get to a meeting this week. I realize that is no matter to me, I need to get to my own meeting and I will. You people out there in message land are truly lifelines and in knowing I am not alone gives me hope. Blessings and hugs to you all from the bottom of my heart.
