The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I miss being here more often! But, I'm grateful for this forum.
I have maintained a weekly meeting, sometimes two. Tonight I am going to put my best efforts into attending my second meeting this week! My AH (sober as of May 18), if you remember, has abandoned his meetings/program. Not drinking. Not thinking very clearly. Still attending marriage counseling and individual counseling.
I find myself facing very philosophical types of dilemmas. I was thinking about how I began dating my AH a bit over 3 yrs ago. How he had been a friend for several years before that. How, 3 years ago, I allowed him to finally become something more.
I recently had a counseling appmt, during which the counselor and I discussed the likelihood that my AH has borderline personality disorder issues. This is not uncommon for people who have a history of extended emotional trauma, apparently. I have been in al-anon for 2.5 years, and been with my AH for 3 years. Over these last months, I have had a gut feeling, a suspicion that I was dealing with more than one beast. I don't know what to do with this information, perhaps nothing. Just something to note.
SO, I ask myself, "why did I allow the relationship to move forward?" I know this: I had recently come out of a long relationship, and was feeling intense grief, loneliness, and fear. It took my AH something like 4 years, and this scenario, to work up the courage to tell me he wanted most of all to be together. He persisted. I let it happen in the end. I didn't know, really, what alcoholism was, and I didn't expect to marry him. I just knew something was very off.
Somehow I feel the need to take responsibility for this. I feel compassion toward myself for the pain I was feeling, which led me into his arms. I feel anger and disappointment that I was unable to give it time, to listen to myself and my intuition (as I so often used to!), to allow myself room to grow. I let my fear run my life, unknowingly. And, yet, did I know? In the years of our developing friendship, and working diligently on my own health, I remember repeatedly thinking (about my current AH) "Maintain your boundaries, that is exactly what you don't want in your life - a black hole of pain."
I was, once, healthier, possibly even "healthy" in mind/body/spirit - I threw it away, in order to be with him. I am currently left with no self-esteem, no confidence, little sense of worth - other than what I give to my daughter. I want so much for her to know that she is loved, and to be empowered to make choices that are in her best interest. I feel saddened that I struggle to believe in myself.
Thank you for listening.
__________________
"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
Totally feel you! I have been the same things lately, like how I made a big mistake for jumping into a relationship, and marraige when there were so many red flags, and feeling so stupid. But you know what, hindsight is 20/20. I really can't judge the me of the past, because that girl did the best she could, just like I do now. Knowing what we know now, well sure we would make different choices, but we can't go back. We just have to learn from our experiences. Besides, nobody goes through life without making mistakes. We've made big ones, and we'll make more. Alanon is helping me to be more gentle with myself, especially when I start to blame myself. I guess I am learning to be more empathetic with myself, without feeling sorry for myself.
Hi KLotus, I understand what you are saying and how you feel. It is sometimes hard to look back for me, too and look at the choices I made when NOW I can see why I made them so clearly (and typically they were not the best reasons). I also think my AH has serious personality disorders and often, I am so afraid of his uncertain behavior and angry at myself for even being in this situation. I also just *knew* something was bad very early in the marriage. But alas...this is where I am in life and I have a major input to where I am going at least.
You are working a program and that is something to be proud and I think that implies some self-worth because you are taking care of your needs. I also have daughters and the thought of them EVER living through the things I feel I have endured because of my AH--ugh, I cannot even think about it. It scares me, too. Slowly things will change, maybe you see they already are...and in my case, my AH and I are definitely NOT changing at the same pace or in the same way, but I am not the person I was a year ago or even a month ago thanks to the awareness I am gaining here in this program. I hope you feel some sense of security in that, too.
Best wishes for some peace. You are are not alone and I appreciate this post.
Thank you for sharing! You have so much to consider and it seems like you are being very thoughtful and open as you think about these things. It sounds like a very very difficult and painful situation. I really believe that there's hope and that the self-esteem can be gradually built/rebuilt/rediscovered. You are most certainly worth it and deserve to have that confidence back. As you continue to take care of yourself, I hope you'll find that slow step-by-step rebuilding of your self-esteem. I feel like I've been building it ever so slowly but the growth is really powerful. I am finally recognizing my own value, that my needs and feelings are important, and I'm taking responsibility for them. It feels difficult a lot of the time as I set unfamiliar boundaries and try new ways of living, but it's great! I like what some people have said about giving from the overflow. Building your self esteem and demonstrating that to your daughter and giving to her from the overflow, can be a truly wonderful gift and blessing for both of you. I hope that's at least a little bit encouraging. I guess for the first time in a long time, I feel kind of overflowing with hope tonight and want to share it!
