The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
feel like I should post as part of my recovery process. I couldn't get to my normal face to face meeting last night and I couldn't attend online either. Maybe tonight.
My spouse and I are still separated. We did have a good holiday with our daughter and respective families. In isolated moments like that we do just fine.
He brought my daughter back to the house for my week with her on Monday and it sparked the new discussion of "so how are we going to proceed from here?" I asked him what was his goal and his desire since he always puts it on me. I really wanted to hear what it is that he wants. He told me he didn't know and then an hour later I got an email re: why do the stars and moon have to be in the right alignment for us to have sex? Why can't we just have it?
Seems to be a hot topic on the board this week :) Must be in the air. I was really floored by the email - 1. by his way of using words to attack instead of just asking a question. 2. That this was his main topic when discussing how we were looking to proceed. I was actually a bit hurt and floored. Of all the things we have been working on or trying to decide that was most prevalant on his mind. I was proud of myself. I did initially wanted to flare back at him but I chanted the serenity prayer and let myself feel the feelings of frustration and anger without projecting them on him. He has a right to how he feels. I told him I didn't like how he addressed those feelings with me and it was surprising that in the past few months he has aired his disatisfaction in this area so vocally. He wants it to just be - if we love each other we should just want to and we should both want it with the same amount and I don't kow it should just "be".... I've tried to explain over the years the things that I like that would make it more fun for me. It's gone on deaf ears for YEARS so I guess deep inside it's eaten away at me. It's fed into my feeling of being "not worthy" and in turn has created anger and detachment from him in that arena. I tried to explain this to him. I tried to explain the "if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got."
I don't want to bore anyone with this. I know I play a role too and I am working to try and deal with it and recognize it but sometimes it's painful for me to feel this growth and see him not willing to at least try.
Maybe for him, I am too much - I do want a lot from a partner or why, in my opinion, have one?
One day at a time. Keep breathing. Keep looking forward. I'm trying.
I am sending hugs!!!! It sounds like you did a wonderful job of working your program.
He was insulting to you, yet still brought it up, so take away from this that he only said the negative things he said to hurt you and get under your skin. This doesn't make it right, just let's you know what you already knew, it wasn't true.
I wanted to send you some love and support. Keep doing the next right thing, such as the online or face to face meetings. Once we are gentle with ourselves, work the program, and practice self care, the issues on the surface sometimes come closer to resolving themselves.
Didn't he give up on your trial period of getting back together a few weeks ago? Didn't he say it wasn't working, so therefore it was over? I would. Be as mad and hurt as you right now, and I might remind him, that people who are no longer a couple, do not owe eachother any kind of intimacy, (well you never really owe it to anyone) and that he gave up the right to discuss intimate relations the day he walked out. Anyway, hugs and sympathizing with you.
