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New to these forums, been doing a lot of reading on here and it's just wonderful to find so many helpful posts. Reinforces that I am in the right spot. I just wanted to share a few of my ramblings, if for nothing other than to get them out of my head.
First, I don't know exactly how to place my husband. Alcoholic? I suppose... but it's confusing for me. He can go weeks without drinking, and show no signs of withdrawal. He can have 1 drink and then not have any more. He doesn't hide alcohol anywhere. He's been known to go through spurts where he's drinking too much, every day or close to it. He's several times over the years drank too much and done something really stupid, most recently a DUI which is his 2nd (1st was before we were together). Now, he's drinking all in all about a few beers a week, spread out. Do I think it will escallate? Yes. To as bad as it was before the DUI? Maybe. Maybe even 10 years from now. Also, before Alanon I would say things like "don't you think you've had enough" or "maybe you should slow down" as I counted his drinks (sick, I know- I'm done with that) and he would actually listen to me. This made me think I DID have a good bit of control. Alcoholic?
Now, I'm working on the steps and detaching and making choices, some of which he doesn't like and are uncomfortable for him and he's struggling and I'm kind of just watching from a distance cause I don't know what else to do. My changes are alienating us, but as my sponsor says you're going in the correct direction though so the alternative is to what, stay sick? However, I feel like we're falling out of love. I feel tired, and drained, and fed up and I have little to no desire to kiss and hug my husband and spend time with him and work super hard to fix our marriage.
Instead, I (silently) roll my eyes when he has his little temper tantrums, resent him when he says something hurtful to me (although I try not to react)- and constantly debate about whether I should get a divorce. I hate it that he has flaws that have nothing to do with alcohol and I find myself unable to bring myself to committing to the person as he is now. I also think it's unfair that I continue on in the relationship under the guise that maybe he'll turn into someone I can be with, or maybe I'll truly learn to accept him as he is and love him that way. I don't think I can, and frankly I don't want to. Also though, I want to be married to him and I don't want to split up our family. I just want to be happy and in love and in a healthy marriage. Do I want what I can't have? Do I need to just sit tight? What is this akward spot? Thanks for reading....
Welcome ! I totally understand where you are coming from on the control issue.To this day I can say to my AH "tomorrow night is date night (meaning no drinking) don't forget" and he is fine with that and stays sober,no complaining or anything.I wonder alot if I am still trying to control his drinking or just reminding him!! That's something I struggle with.Also he has NEVER had date nights before I'm the first to get these sober times,then I wonder if he is really trying with me.
So many questions that can only be answered with time and work I guess :) but you're in the right place!
I understand what you are saying. Some days my mind races with the question of do I stay or do I go. Then, I realize this is a question that is too big for me to answer alone. This is a question to hand over to my HP.
I, too, want what you are describing: a happy, healthy, in-love marriage. I accept that right now it is not my turn to have that. I've had to face my loneliness and try to figure out how I can be OK with just me without anyone else to fulfill my needs for happiness, health, and love.
It's a long journey. I don't have the answers. I trust that I will know when I know.
I have been reading How Al-Anon Works and it discusses the different levels or stages of alcoholism. I found this very interesting. My AH can get real drunk once a week and then he does not drink again for a month. But he is an alcoholic because he has this horrid anxiety that leaves him feeling like less of a man and when he is drunk he does not feel that anxiety, nervousness, or lack of self confidence. He drinks to feel good. He is also an addict. When I met him he was clean (from drugs) for many years and drinking occasionally but heavily. I was drinking with him then, we were in college. Well, I stopped partying like that and he stopped too... we were spending more time at home toegther and then I got pregnant and had a miscarriage. During this time that he was not drinking he instead began snorting pills. It started out once or twice a week and turned into daily. I did not know. I found out a year into his relapse. What I am saying is that, my husband does not just drink or get high to drive me crazy, NO, he is very ill. He does these things because it is how he copes and he numbs and how he feels better about himself... He lacks faith in God and love for himself. But I still love him. I love him unconditionally. I also cannot live with him right now. Maybe some day I will decide I can again. or maybe I will decide to get a divorce. But i will still love the man in there, in his heart, underneath the disease. When it comes to making decisions about what to do with my future I have decided to not make that decision today and I have decided I cannot get better alone and I can't get through this alone. so i pray every day, all the time.. for strength, hope, and serenity. I recommend you get daily readers if you don't have them. Al-Anon Courage to Change and One Day At a Time and try How Al-Anon Works too if you want to. You are accepted here on these boards to read, explore, write, and open your mind to experiences and hope. You are not alone.
I gave my husband a note last time I visited him in rehab and it said "I still have faith in you." I try to praise him and let him know I believe in him. I have been grieving the dream of what I thought my life would be and it has been hard. It has gotten easier when I stopped trying and put it all in my HP's hands. I know God loves me and I know he loves my AH. I also believe he put us in eachother's lives for some reason or purpose... I've never loved anyone like my AH. But I can now enjoy my days.. even when they are lonely.. because I always have God with me. What more should I ask for?
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
So many alcoholics meet the criteria for binge drinkers. I think the issue with alcoholism is when things happen as a result of their drinking do they stop? If they don't then there is probably an addiction there.
I would highly recommend Getting them Sober. The language, compassion and the non judgement in there really helps. I felt very soothed by reading it and could grasp so many of the concepts which eluded me.
So many of us beat ourselves to a pulp for being around an alcoholic. Making big decisions is pretty difficult in the middle of chaos, confusion and panic. Al anon has many tools for helping you through this. Most of all having people around who understand, don't judge, have compassion and empathy will help. I'm glad you are here.
Thanks for the replies, everyone and for the words of understanding. This is so helpful for me.
Michelle, that's great you can love him unconditionally but I'm sorry you're without that relationship at this time. I'm not sure that I do love mine unconditionally, or that I should when unfortunately it may be that it is not in my best interest, or my children's to stay married to him.
He stopped for about 3 weeks then started drinking a little here and there again. He went to about a week of AA and said it was a cult, and that he couldn't identify with the major alcoholics there- he does not believe he has that disease.
I have read "How AlAnon works" and "The Dilemma of the alcoholic marriage" and "Courage to Change" and the pamphlet about the Merry Go Round and then in the meetings I go to we read from 2 other daily readers. I am noticing though that I have to go back and re-read things because it's not all sinking in at once. I find myself unsure of what to do, then I go back and re-read things but really get it once I can learn to apply it.
I'm being accused of being cold, heartless, unsupportive, and a bad wife. Because I had to split up our finances due to my husband's bad choices and his refusal to get rid of his expensive car that he can't afford, and doesn't even have the privledge of driving, currently. I'm also gently, as nicely as I can muster not being his taxi but I am driving him to his mandatory counseling. He's furious with me because he keeps getting fired from jobs and can't afford his car plus all of his DUI costs. He actually told me that he could end up in jail due to not paying, but when I mentioned an option would be to sell his car and that would help he said he wasn't going to do that and got even madder at me as if I was totally irrational. To me, I think- sick...sick...sick. However, I know I've contributed to us both getting sick and now that I'm trying to move in a healthier direction it's scaring the pants off of him. Also though, I can't attribute the alcohol to all of his selfish and destructive choices and that's soooo hard to face.
Problem is, I don't know how to be emotionally supportive for him right now. How do I set healthy boundaries, detach, and not enable but still be supportive, loving and "there" for him? I'm just trying to focus on myself, like the books say. Today I read something in Courage to the effect of "although you are making good changes, the outcome may not be to your liking". I know I'm making healthy boundaries, and it is uncomfortable- I'm just not sure I'm doing it with love. I feel a million miles away from him, but when I'm right next to him he sucks me in and pushes me down and I can't be in that place again.
I want so badly to believe he's capable of change, but he's feeling too sorry for himself right now and he's feeling so desperate. It is hard to watch someone I love twisting in the wind, convinced that I have the answers and the help but am withholding it to be mean and selfish. It's just not the case. With the finances, I can't let my children suffer and risk losing my house to pay his drunk driving costs, especially when he's doing very little to help himself.
I know it's a lot I've written... I know I typed a lot of "he's" but I really am trying to focus on what should I do, how should I cope etc. Thanks for listening.
Thank you for your post! I have just finished posting for the first time in some weeks, and yours is so reflective of how I have felt, both now and in the past. I have so much I would like to say, and share with you. The best I can offer is that you both practice acceptance (of your current situation, of yourself, of him), and setting boundaries. It really sounds like you are doing the best you can, and trying to be realistic in your perceptions. TRUST in yourself, and your HP. You are where you are, for now, for a reason, I believe.
Last March, on our 2 year wedding anniversary, I left my AH with my then 10 month old child. We had been living in what you described in your original post - He was lying and drinking, and I was moving so far away from him (emotionally), also in order to protect my baby. After two months of torture (he threatened, blamed, etc), and trying not to be in contact with him - He went to inpatient treatment. We worked hard on issues, together, during that time (e.g. I attended every family counseling session). Afterward, I went to every outpatient family event. I tried. He tried. He surrounded himself with AA people who could not and would not challenge him appropriately - he was angrier than ever, and blaming just as much as ever (common, I think, early in recovery). Today, he has abandoned AA meetings, but is not drinking. He has been unemployed for a year and a half - I am the full time worker, and caregiver for our child (though he is now better with her). I feel, most often, not appreciated, and chipped away at. I am trying to work on providing appreciation, love and respect for myself - so that IF, one day, I stop questioning whether or not to divorce him, and actually do, I will be capable of standing on my own two feet.
I too, question as you do, and want togetherness, balance, healthy, joy, and a "normal" amount of dysfunction in my life and marriage - not the merry-go-round of chaos.
I support you. I sympathize with you. I will pray for you. I thank you, again, for sharing your story! PLEASE keep coming back - and PLEASE keep sharing. You have helped me.
KLotus
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
KLotus you are so welcome, and thank you too. You have incredible insight into your situation, I admire that. Please stay in touch.
I love that Al-Anon helps me turn my confusion and ramblings into meaningful, powerful words and helps me and others to heal. Often, I don't feel particularly articulate but as the fog begins to slowly lift, and my sponsor encourages me to write (even if it's just to myself) I find myself able to more easily express what I'm feeling. With this awareness does come pain, for sure- but I have to be grateful for the awareness as uncomfortable as it may be at this time.
I used to think of myself as an agnostic, after doing a lot of spiritual soul searching and educating myself on the various choices of religions. Starting to work the steps has lead me to question all of that and I'm working on figuring out the god of my understanding. I can tell you though, that several things have happened exactly when I needed them to happen that I'm incredibly grateful for and I'm not sure that they're all coincidences. Maybe the law of attraction, maybe fate, maybe God. Either way, more powerful than I.
I did decide, that I cannot determine my marriage's fate at this time. I have to keep doing my best and turn the rest over.
Hi Mehere80 and welcome. I too have been in your shoes and sometimes I feel like I still am. I struggle daily with do I stay or do I go, (in my situation, do I tell him to leave or do I let him stay). and everytime I think I am ready to tell him to leave, I find that I'm not ready to make that decision. and I don't know when I'll be ready. A few months ago, I just felt this overwhelming sadness when I realized this is who he is now, I can't change him, and our relationship will never be the same as long as he is an active drinker, and it was very lonely. It still is lonely. With alanon, I have been learning how to take care of myself and sometimes do things that make me happy. In my most recent post, I received so many responses that make me think he is not comfortable with me the way I am now. This past week has been sad again. I just feel sad for him that he is going through this and is so sick that he does not realize he needs help. Thank you for your post. It reminds me of me in some ways.
Wow--thanks for this post and all these great replies. you also described my life/feelings!! When I first came to Al-Anon, I wasn't looking for ways to get my AH sober like many are, I was looking for an answer: Do I divorce this guy??? Ugh. It has been a roller coaster since then (almost a year) filled with 2 DWIs, rehab, him walking out and me not knowing where he is, etc and so on...it's exhausting. But I have learned SO much in Al-Anon about protecting myself, having compassion, letting him learn from his behavior, not controlling, changing my attitudes, changing my reactions, being aware...I am not the same person I was and i will never go back to the way it was. It sounds like you are on a great path with Al-Anon already. I hope you will keep active here, too. It helps so much to talk with people who really understand and are able to put our own feelings into words we maybe couldn't have expressed. Thanks!
Thanks for all your posts. I am new to this site and through the light reading of a couple of posts, I think I have found a place where I feel I will not be judged for my situation and my reactions and actions to my AH. So, thank you all for sharing your feelings and thoughts on your situation as they have eased the feelings of 'Am I the only one? Am I crazy for dealing with my AH? Do other people go through this and what do they do? Surely not what I'm doing. Will he change or am I just stupid to think he could?, etc.' I never thought I would be in this situation but here I am. I grew up with a couple of alcoholic siblings, but my parents were completely non-alcoholic folks. I always told myself that I would not date someone that was an alcoholic because I saw what it did to my siblings lives and to the family. However, I love one and I am writing in this post to express feelings I otherwise cannot express comfortably to others, knowing that writing in a journal in the past always helped me through rough times. So, here it goes. Promises, apologies, 'I love yous', the blame game, lying, hiding, and intentionally ignoring me is all very familiar. My AH stopped drinking and has not drank for about a year up until a couple of months ago. Granted, this is only suspicion but you know it because your gut tells you and your nose guides you. I guess I feel at a barrier where I cannot ask him, 'Have you been drinking?' knowing he will only get upset especially since I cannot prove it. Though, one night I found an empty Joost can in his car. I began researching what it was and you cannot smell alcohol like you would with hard liquor or beer. It smelled like juice. When I come home late, I cannot smell hard liquor or beer but do smell a faint odor of some sort of alcohol which this Joost product boasts about its ability to hide the smell of one's drinking. He claims he is tired at night and that is why he stumbles and slightly slurs when he speaks. However, I know all too well what that means. I love him very dearly and in the absence of alcohol, he is the person I fell in love with and love more everyday but those days when I believe he has been drinking, I feel alone and those feelings of stupidity, shame, etc. come back to me, though not as harshly as they did in the beginning. I am stronger now through reading and talking to others and again, my apologies for my long post... just feels good knowing that there are others out there that are and have felt this same way. Thanks again for sharing.
I can't determine my marriage's fate either.. so I just keep saying.. today my decision is to make no decision. and today I will stay positive, pray for hope, strength, courage, and peace. It helps me!!
I also do not believe in "coincidences anymore.
Mehere, I think it's great you are finding the ability to express yourself through writing.. keep it up!!!
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
