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Do you ever wish you could put on a pair of magic glasses that would allow you to see the truth of your loved ones' addiction, and not just the lies they feed you about it or the scenarios you have in your own mind? I feel like I'm going crazy trying to understand the extent of my husband's addiction so that I can make decisions about how to move forward.
He has been a functional alcoholic for as long as I've known him. He started drinking in college (as many of us do) and never really slowed down. For the most part, he appears to drink at a reasonable level, but every few months or so something crazy will happen and he'll binge drink. I'm constantly worried about him getting a DUI or worse, but I'm really not at the point that I'm willing to leave him over his drinking.
Around Christmas last year, I caught him in a lie about where he'd been for the evening. This was after catching him in several lies about being out with friends or stopping by someone's house while telling me something else, so I was on high alert. His story just wasn't adding up, so I searched and poked around and ultimately found a baggie of weed in his car (easily a full ounce). After several days of discussions and confrontations, he admitted he'd been doing it daily for 6 months (so I'm guessing that was a lie and it's actually much, much worse). I moved out, but was back within a few weeks when he agreed to stop and go to marriage counseling with me.
It's been an incredible year since then. Though there were many times when I wondered if he was high, I pushed myself to trust what he was telling me the truth when I asked for it. Our marriage grew stronger as we worked towards treating each other with more respect, spending more time together, etc. It was almost like we fell in love all over again.
Last week, two days before Thanksgiving, I was sure he was high. Red, squinty eyes, giggling, etc. Once he was asleep, I started poking around in the garage and found two bags of weed in his golf bag. I confronted him and he ultimately placated me with, "I'm sorry I let you down," but then flew into a rage when I flushed it.
Since then, he's already purchased another bag of weed (I found it in the garage as well, in a different spot) and has become increasingly agitated if I even attempt to speak to him about it. I just want to understand the extent of it so I can figure out how to move foward.
I'm so lost and hearbroken. He is choosing his addiction over me and that is more pain than I can bear. I'm sad for all the things I'm missing - I'd love to have children, but I'm 33 and it's clear that it's unlikely to happen with him. I'm not ready to leave but staying seems to be just as painful. He's a wonderful person and outside of the addiction he's been a wonderful husband...but I can't separate the two. He is an addict and he is a wonderful husband, but I don't know how to live with both of those people at the same time. But if there's a chance in hell he'll seek recovery, I want to be here to support him through that. But on the other hand I can't spend the next 20 years watching him get progressively worse, only to wish I'd left while I was young.
Welcome to MIP, I encourage you to read, a lot, that has helped me so much! I also highly highly encourage you to find face to face meetings. Everyone said this to me at the begining and I was resentful then I went and understood why.
I'm married to a functional alchoholic. My AH also smokes weed daily. I hate the reek of it. I have to fight the immediate reaction I feel when I smell it in the house, I just light candles now, because that's what I can do.
A book recommended to me, Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews, wonderful book.
He flew into a rage when you flushed his weed, well it was his, not yours. I totally get it, because I've wanted to flush it, but that was a good $100 or more dollars, and I know my AH is just going to buy more so why in the world would I flush something when he's just going to buy more?
You said something key about your marriage counseling and growing to love and respect each other more. What I'm learning through my program is that I have to show my AH love and respect. I have to detach from his drinking and smoking and remember that he is the man I married and I love him. Currently I question the having children with him possibility as well. I think it would be wrong to bring a little person into our lives, not sure what the future holds but I'm trusting HP.
I refuse to accept unacceptable behavior, he gets mean, and I remove myself from the situation. As I learn more, I move forward. I can only change me. I can't control my husband, I didn't cause his drinking and smoking and I certainly can't cure him
I encourage you to keep coming back, find a meeting, and keep going back to that too! Welcome to the board!
Welcome to MIP, I encourage you to read, a lot, that has helped me so much! I also highly highly encourage you to find face to face meetings. Everyone said this to me at the begining and I was resentful then I went and understood why.
Thank you for the warm welcome. I am glad to have found a place to post online! Sometimes it's easier to just think things through and type things out.
I will start going to meetings again. I went for several months when this all started, but things were going so well at home that I quit going (big mistake, obviously!).
Jackie11 wrote:
He flew into a rage when you flushed his weed, well it was his, not yours. I totally get it, because I've wanted to flush it, but that was a good $100 or more dollars, and I know my AH is just going to buy more so why in the world would I flush something when he's just going to buy more?
I know this. I know this, I know this, I know this. And yet still I attempt to control something that is beyond my control. Thanks for reminding me. :) I needed to hear that again.
Thanks for sharing your story as well. Even though I don't know you, I feel just a wee bit less lonely knowing someone else has the same issue and is surviving.
It ALWAYS helps to know we aren't walking this alone!!!! I read your post and absolutely knew I had to share my story, because while both habits are habits for whatever reason the weed infuriated me more. I have a harder time detaching from that usually, and it's not what makes him mean.
Oh and I'm 32 so the children question is something that I'm constantly giving back up as well!! He has a little girl and she will be 3 in January. I feel like she is more protected because she is only with us on weekends.
-- Edited by Jackie11 on Tuesday 29th of November 2011 10:49:04 AM
Wow Jessicat, your post could have been written by me. I too married a wonderful man, it has taken years (8 to be exact) for me to find out the extent of all his addictions. They have come out slowly, one at a devastating time. They are too multiple to list, if you can be addicted to something my husband is addicted to it. Like you I sometimes wonder how I will survive another 30 or 40 years on this roller coaster. I am trying to work on me, thru this message board, books on the subject and Alanon meetings I am working through my stuff first. Obviously, something in me was drawn to him. I take it one day at a time and am married to him one day at a time. On the hardest days I tell myself it doesn't have to be forever and I make a decision for that day only that I will stay. For some reason this helps.
The hardest part for me is the dishonesty. I am coming to understand the disease he has and the control it has over him (I have started thinking of it as his Dark Passenger), what I struggle the most with is the lying. I have finally stopped looking for proof of his use, as others have stated it doesn't help, I know he's using and when he's using, I don't need the physical proof anymore. That has helped my anxiety. Getting Them Sober is a really good book, I read out of it almost daily. Like having a friend nearby to give advice. I am not ready to give up on my husband, outside of his addiction he is a good person, I love him, I know you know where I am coming from. I think for people like us we will know when it is time to go, and until then we will do our best. Hope for the best, but have no expectations, for today that keeps me going.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Hugs and prayers sent your way.
Have you read the book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews? It was so helpful and while I read you post I remember feeling the same way and that book helped me through so much of it. You already received great ESH from others and I just want to send you love and support on your journey!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Sorry ladies I had to jump in here too.I'm 34 and the question of having a child has been plaguing me lately! I figure if thats what HP has in store for us great but if not....theres really no end to that thought becuase I really would love to be a Mommy :(
Sorry ladies I had to jump in here too.I'm 34 and the question of having a child has been plaguing me lately! I figure if thats what HP has in store for us great but if not....theres really no end to that thought becuase I really would love to be a Mommy :(
Jump in anytime, that's what our posts are for!!! We all have information to share and support to offer. Knowing that I'm not the only one who wonders about more little people means that I'm not alone, and neither are you! Hugs!!
I don't think I'm willing to accept that I will never have kids. I really thought after this fantastic year we've had, that we might start trying next year. But now that I've found out he's smoking again (or has been this whole time), I feel like I've been robbed of that choice. But then I start thinking crazy stuff, like, "Well I couldn't tell he was high, so how could our child?" "Maybe by then he will be sober!" But I'm scared that if I wait for him to get sober we'll never have kids. So do I just leave him, even though I love him, so that I might have an opportunity to have kids with someone else?
Hi Jessica and Welcome, Im sorry youre going through this, and totally relate. It is impossible to separate the addiction from the addict. A common thread from these responses are that the addict is/was a wonderful husband when not addicted. I struggle with this daily and am still at a loss to understand how my husband, who seemed the most gentle, kind, and wonderful man when we met, turned into a nasty crazed nutcase after drinking. The Jekyll/Hyde syndrome is central to addiction and that is one of the things so disturbing about it.. In my case I separated from my husband. Maybe the decision to do so was easier because I have a small child, and I didnt want him exposed to any of this. Also, his days as a functional alcoholic were short lived. His path was pretty intense and once he fell, he fell hard and flat on his face. He lost a lot in a very short period of time he moved out of our house, lost his job, and basically went insane from nearly poisoning himself with alcohol. This landed him in rehab for 2 weeks and he has been sober for about 3 months, but he has a long, long way to go in terms of recovery. I am still somewhat close to him since he comes to see our son, and I do still love him. But I am trying hard to keep my expectations in check. I feel for your desire to be a mom. In my case, my husband was not yet exhibiting any real signs of alcoholism when I first thought about having kids. I don't know what I would have done if he had, and I think you are right to trust in HP - there is a path for you and sometimes you just need to hand it over. One Day at A Time has been my best way to deal with all this. It is confusiong, overwhelming,and heartbreaking to go through all this. Breaking it down into small units, focusing on what you have to do just for now and realizing that you are not alone, that things can get better regardless of what he does, can be the foundation of recovery. I also got Getting Them Sober during my AHs last binge and it helped me immensely. Most of all, as these posts say, know you're not alone. There is a lot of comfort and support in meetings and here. Keep coming back. In support, nyc
So glad you have found us. My ex-AH had multiple addictions too. I think it's not uncommon. His most obvious addiction was alcohol, where he's a "functioning" alcoholic (functioning as far as the world is concerned, not functioning much as much as capacity for relationships is concerned). But put another possibility in his way and he'll grab it. We went to a town where there was gambling and suddenly he was gambling way past where a normal person would -- he lost all his money, lied about where he was going, stayed up all night doing it, and so forth. I can tell that if he had regular easy access to gambling, it would go on and on. He also binge eats, hoards, and has compulsive spending, way past "normal" recreational spending. And sometimes the things he's mentioned make me suspect that there's some bad drug use in his past. But at the moment alcohol is the easiest to get and the easiest to get away with, so alcohol it is.
The whole thing of addiction is that they choose addiction over everything else -- their partner, their children, solvency, sanity. It's hard not to take it personally, but it's all part of the syndrome. If we were a divine goddesss of light with a huge inheritance and perfect tempers, they'd still choose their substance over us.
I think you are wise not to bring a child into this situation. The stories of people growing up with alcoholic parents are so sad and troubling. And then the addiction is often passed on to future generations. I had a son with my ex-AH before I realized the true extent of things. I wasn't very educated about addiction and I believed him when he said he was sober and wouldn't have a problem again. I do my best to protect our child (and I split up from my ex-AH after it became clear that his addiction meant he was physically endangering our child). But I worry constantly that the patterns and experiences may lead our child to alcoholism -- not to mention the genetic component. Plus it's just sad that he can't experience a real dad.
Learn all you can, find meetings and a sponsor, keep coming back, and keep taking good care of yourself.
Wow ladies! There are quite a few of us here with very similar stories. I'm 33 and now single after two long-term serious relationships with addicts. The most recent was using daily alcohol and marijuana. I started attending meetings while we were still together this spring and we've been through a break up, brief reconciliation and then for-real-done breakup. I didn't realize for several years what a serious problem he had, what my part was, and how it affected me. Now as I learn more about what's healthy, reflect on what's happened, and find hidden beer still in my house a month later, I continue to understand the seriousness of this problem.
It is hard to decide what to do and what to think. I really believe no one knows what's right for another person and we all have our own ways to work through each unique situation. I haven't been married yet and for me, I think that's probably a good thing. I do struggle with wanting a marriage and family. I would love more than anything to have a family. For me, I am choosing to have faith in my future whatever it holds. I am choosing to believe that there is still a really good chance that a healthy marriage and family is ahead of me and that this process is what I need to go through in order to get there. I am thankful for the relationships I have had and even the pain that has finally brought me to this point. I have a lot of hope. (Of course, I often have a lot of fear too) I'm also trying to be okay with whatever happens, and to accept that life doesn't follow my plan. So today I'm single and grieving but relieved. For me, I feel like I have dodged a bullet, but I do also understand the importance of staying with someone and working through these things together if that's possible. I can sure respect and appreciate that. In my relationship, that was not going to be possible and the last time around he left me. I have accepted that this isn't the time for me to even be dating anyone, and I'm working through the steps slowly but surely and following my own healing path. As time goes by, I am feeling more hopeful about my future and whatever it holds.
In any case, attending meetings was the true beginning of the best comfort and learning for me. This board has also been extremely helpful and I've been doing counseling on my own, reading a ton of wonderful books, and doing everything I can to take good care of myself.
Sending you all best wishes for strength and wisdom! I really appreciate this group so much! I learn so much from everyone's thoughts and experiences and it's so helpful to know I'm not alone.
For me, I feel like I have dodged a bullet, but I do also understand the importance of staying with someone and working through these things together if that's possible. I can sure respect and appreciate that.
I really appreciate you saying this. One of the hardest things is feeling like I'm being judged for staying (not by anyone in Al-Anon, but by anyone who might know). It is so hard to know what to do because nothing feels right, but at least for now the thought of leaving feels the absolute worst.
I'm doing a lot of justifying and bargaining in my own head, trying to minimize the pot and the drinking in the same way that he does. It doesn't help that I called our marriage counselor to get advise on getting my husband in for another appointment (he refuses to go now that I've found his stash because he thinks it'll be all about what he's doing wrong), and he was very hesitant to label my husband as an addict until he sees us. That's actually hard to hear because it's in conflict with what I'm hearing from others. I almost feel like I'm currently unable to think for myself because I'm so emotional and the knot that's in my stomach and chest will not go away.
I've always said that I'm a strong person and I think my friends would describe me as one, but I don't feel strong now. I feel weak and helpless and guided by my heart instead of my mind.
