The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH is in rehab and I am now living with a friend who I have had for many years. Little did I know that she is an alcoholic as well. I am surrounded by sick people but I now understand why. It is my character qualities as well as defects that have led me to the life I now have. All these sick people around me are amazing people; full of love, kindness, soul, energy, excitement, humor, and loyalty. And so am I: full of all these things. But these people are also full of lack of faith, control issues, self pity, self righteousness, and what's the word for making mountains out of mole hills. I am/was also full of these qualities as well. The good news is that now my eyes are open. I love that I figured these ideas out on my own, through Al-Anon, literature, and writing in a journal.. had someone spelled it out for me I would not have understood for I was blind. Every day I remind myself that even though, now I see it.. others are still blind.. so I pray for patience and the ability to remember that they are still wonderful people.
An Al-Anon friend gave me a book to read: How Al-Anon Works and its there in black and white.. why I am where I am. There are a few paragraphs on the dysfunctional home that just sum it up. My Dad, feeling a failure in business becomes the lost man and my Mom taking on more responsibility than she should and de-feminizing herself while my Dad de-masculizes himself. Neither of my parents are alcoholics or addicts but that does not mean they are not ill. The Mom grabs hold too tightly to one or all of her children and tries to make up the lack of self worth she's feeling in an unsuccessful marriage by being this amazingly controlling mother who is almost too caring. Well that was my Mom and my Dad. And now that I am out of the tornado I can see the great qualities they both possess and I tell them I love them all the time. I wouldnt choose anyone else if I could and I am trying to make ammends for any wrongs I did to them just by being a better daughter today. But it all makes sense why I surrounded myself with sick people.. or people that were like me who eventually became alcoholics or addicts. Lucky for me.. I did not become an alcoholic or addict and I have Al-Anon to stop me from my negative distorted thinking that leads down that sorrowful path of destruction. I am aware that I am not well and I am ready to fill my heart with my HP's love and have him help me.
There is hope for my marriage yet... and it starts with me. I cannot say if we will remain married, til death... because I know that I won't allow my spirit to be broken and my dreams (to be a mother) to be crushed. I can say full heartedly that I will always love my husband.. always.. it may have to be from afar and as a friend, but i will always love him. However, as I said before.. there is still hope for our marriage, but I have to stay out of his program and he has to stay out of mine. If I see him slipping into old habits then I need to pull my literature near, call my sponsor, go to meetings, and stay on my right path to recovery. Nagging him to find faith wont find him faith.. nagging him to stay sober wont keep him sober. But I can work on me and work on finding my peace, serenity, faith, and happiness. That I can do.
Al-Anon has shown me that I am worth happiness and that there is a God who loves me.. and as much as I love my husband, I can let him go beause this HP who loves me... loves my AH far more than I ever could.. its not humanly possible for me to love him like God loves him. This brings me relief knowing that he is in good hands. I can let him go. I lay in bed and every night I pray for this unexplainable peace to pass from my body and soul to my husband's. I just pray for peace between us and forgiveness toward him in my heart. He did no wrong to me.. the disease did it. My husband is a wonderful man and I just need to remember that he loves me and that the disease has made him do the horrible things hes done (those being: lying, wasting our money, and overdosing in front of me.) He did not seek to hurt me... its like telling someone with pnemonia not to cough. They always cough... they have to cough. Unless they get the medicine they need. His medicine is his HP, his sponsor, the program... therapy, and probably some anxiety meds. I can see what he needs.. but he may still be blind and my nagging will not get him to do it.. it will only drive me to insanity.
Today I chose to be sane, happy, stay out of business that is not mine including what people think of me, put on a smile, and enjoy the day.. rain and all.
__________________
Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Wow such a great post! You just inspired me!!!! Last week in our meeting we actually had a conversation because someone said, how could I possibly have fallen in love with an A. The reason, because they are wonderful, genuine, caring, have fantastic qualities.
Our thinking does have to change, we do have to work our programs. Thank you so much for sharing!!!!
Great Awareness, Acceptance and Action!!!! "How Alanon Works' is a powerful tool in my recovery literature. It truly guided my steps in this program.
The program is indeed full of profound wisdom. You are so right when you stess that no one can tell us what are defects are and how to correct them Instead we areled slowly to uncover the truth from within.
Thanks for sharing your insights and this incredible journey
Thank you for sharing! That was a wonderful post. I identify with much of what you've shared and am also inspired by what you've written. It feels so encouraging to hear from other people working through these issues, everyone in their own way but still so similar. I've also been working out of that How Alanon Works book and working through many of these difficult and wonderful realizations of the program. I wish you and your husband lots of strength and love during these tough times! It sounds like you're doing great work to take care of and heal yourself.
