The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last week was a tough week. Monday night and Wednesday night I was catching the spiral of ugliness.
Thursday morning I was getting ready for my race and my AH came in to the room. I looked at him and told him that just because he doesn't love himself doesn't mean that I don't love him and he can accept that or not but I refuse to continue to try and prove my love to him. I told him that the next time he starts in on me like he did Monday and Wednesday night I'm not going to say a word I'm going to take my dog and we're leaving. We will return when he is sober. I told him that he is allowed to be upset and frustrated with me, he is not going to treat me the way that he did on Monday and Wednesday. I also made sure I was very clear that leaving is not moving out, leaving is taking myself away from his spinning.
I left and ran my race. Which being sick for 2 weeks and not running for 2 weeks, I ran the whole thing but it was my slowest pace since I started running, however it was an awesome beautiful morning. I got home, and he had made the food we were taking for Thanksgiving. I showered, and got ready. I loaded up the food in the car. We had a wonderful first Thanksgiving together.
We had a wonderful weekend together. The dog trainer came on Sunday to work with us and he was AMAZING. He listened, participated and actively is working with the dog. I am so thankful that he agreed to me bringing in a trainer and already the difference in our house is HUGE.
Last night I got home from the restaurant job and he is sitting on the couch and tells me that he didn't want to drink but he came home and couldn't stop himself. He has mentioned a few times wishing he could win the lottery and then be able to go to rehab. He has also talked about wanting HP to take away the desire to drink and smoke. I've heard all this. Since starting on my program I have learned to just listen. Last night I looked at him and stated you realize I accept you just as you are, I didn't even qualify that with but I don't like your choices. He said no you don't but you are trying. I did not argue I left it alone.
When he begins to talk about rehab, HP taking away the desire, and goes down this road, it is my understanding that the best thing I can do is just hand the whole conversation over to HP. I'm looking for input, because I truly believe that I'm not supposed to provide solutions. Much like here and in my meeting we share information and take away what we can use, I think that the best thing to do is apply that to this thread of conversation as well. This topic probably comes up about once a month.
Hi Jackie~ What a great post! So glad you were able to state your boundaries, take care of yourself and have a nice Thanksgiving. I know I spent so much time and emotional energy trying to figure out the words to say, when the answer has almost always been to say as little as possible. Also, thinking, "if I don't say it, then he'll think I think it is okay, or not know what I think, etc." Letting them know we disapprove just gives more ammo to take the focus off the real issue. Like you stated, the truth is, they know, and staying quiet puts the whole thing more on them. It took me a long time to get that. I love the idea about handing the whole conversation to HP. Thank you.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I never had a Thanksgiving I enjoyed with the ex A. Thanksgiving was huge for me. Now I personally know that Thanksgiving is a huge people pleasing pusher for me. I have had to work on detaching and one way is not to participate. I really do not know how to have boundaries around it.
What a great job you are doing! Yolur post shows the program in action!
I apply the principals I learned in Alanon discussion meetings in my home which is to not talk, comment on, or interrupt someone when it is their time to share. When my loved ones talk about stopping drinking or getting some form of outside help I know it is my job to sit and listen to them share. If they ask a question, I will answer if I have something to share. If not, then I give them my time, attention, and love.
