Here is a good laugh - Al-Anon Family Group

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Here is a good laugh

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Diva

I agree alcoholism is nothing like Diabetes or Cancer. I am so sorry you are dealing with this relapse. It is indeed heart breaking and is best described as,cunning ,Baffling and Powerful .

Just keep taking care of you, keep coming here, be Gentle with yourself. One Day at A Time we can get thru this.

PS WOW 118 Pounds is a fantastic !!! smile

-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 29th of November 2011 09:36:00 AM

nyc018 · Senior Member

Hi Diva,
I agree with your assessment. I get miffed when I hear comparisons to cancer and diabetes. My beloved uncle fought kidney cancer bravely for 12 years. If putting it into remission involved abstaining from a harmful substance, he'd still be here, as would many who died of cancer. What's more, his disease never made him act nasty, crazy and irresponsible.
As for his excuse for drinking, yes - that is laughable. I once heard the alcoholic will drink "if the Yankees win, if the Yankees lose, and if the Yankees don't play at all."
Thanks for the share, nyc

never going back · Senior Member

Hi (((Diva)))
There's always an excuse for my AH, and if involves me, so much the better because then he can rationalize that it's really MY fault he has to have that drink. If you had lost 3 pounds, that probably would have been cause for a drink to celebrate! When they look for an excuse, they are GONNA fond one somehow.

I got hung up on the whole 'disease' thing. I knew I'd never leave my husband if he had cancer, or diabetes, etc., so, if alcoholism IS a disease, how could I leave him for having it? I still believe it's a disease, but what sets it apart is that, unlike any other disease, there is an absolute 100% 'cure', and the A has the choice of whether or not to take that cure. Just as it's my choice as to whether or not I choose to stay and watch if he decides to just let the 'disease' take over.

Thanks for sharing, thinking of you today.

Denise

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with you Diva, except for this thought - the inability to control it IS the disease - the compulsion to drink, not being able to say no. I watched a show about eating disorders many moons ago and one thing I still remember about it is the sister of the anorexic being sick to death of everything being about her sick sister's disease. I divorced because I saw the bottom line: I couldn't live with what he became when he was drinking and he wasn't about to stop drinking. I do understand having had enough of the self-centered bs that goes along with it - imagine him sober and me being afraid that something (anything) was going to send him relapsing and what kind of peace of mind can you have with that fear looming over your head day and night? Bag of bs carried around like an albatross - gotta say I love the visual image - and how true it is, thank you! Ok and double heck - if I weighed anywhere near 118 pounds I wouldn't even own a scale!

-- Edited by likemyheart on Tuesday 29th of November 2011 11:24:19 AM

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I think for me its got to be huge to admit to that they couldn't control their drinking, using. The ex A had no desire to get sober ever. He wanted to blame, use, divert attention to everything but that. Nothing but nothing made him stop, legal, jail, homelessness, health issues (life threatening).

My rage and resentment didn't go anywhere. I really bought in for such a long time that I could control him and that my rage and resentment were a mirror that he was hurting me, our dogs (who he adored I do know that). He lost everything in his life, his relationships, his family, his health, his home, his livelihood and he still kept on....that is indeed an disease...

My reaction to his self destructiveness was to become equally as self destructive, to try to control, to rage, to cling, to divert to try to intervene. Nothing but nothing stopped him....and I fell victim to the ravages of the disease, the homelessness, the poverty, the ill health, the self hatred, the blame and the hopelessness. I understand absolutely....

When I look at the list in my first paragraph I'm amazed to think that my feelings, the affect his drinking/using had on my life would have any affect on him and his "choices". Obviously the disease had him and he chose not to get better. That is indeed a sore point of grief he never ever wanted to get sober not for one second. There were no relapses, just plateaus where he behaved and seemed to respond to me but they were short and he got worse and worse and worse till I had to let go and find help for myself rather than drown with him.

I'm sorry you are hurting so much. I am sorry your life is still subsumed with alcoholism. I'm also sorry for all the years I spent resenting an alcoholic. None of it went anywhere. I know absolutely its understandable and quite normal. I just know now that none of my feelings went anywhere in stopping him or any other alcoholic from using.

Maresie.

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

My Dad has had his gall bladder removed - he still chooses to eat bacon and chips and all forms of fat
He has had four stents in his heart - He is sitll overweight and eats badly and does no exercise at all
He has diabetes - He doesn't even do his blood sugars any more. He eats icecream and then goes on fad diets that does not help at all.
He has a kidney issue - I have not seen him drink water to help flush out toxins.
He is an alcoholic - He went to AA in 1979 and has not drank alcohol since.

Why am I saying that? He has several disorders. All of them are of a substance nature. All of them are to do with the way his reward centre in his brain works. He has addiction issues. This is not just a personality flaw. This is not just willpower. This is a change in the way the brain works.

You don't have to call it a disease if that word does not fit. Addiction is a neurobiological disorder and the science backs that up.

I was in a relationship with alcoholics, and I left the person. I had a daugther with a paranoid schizophrenic, I left him also. The fact that I lived wih them or not did not detract from the fact that they were both sick people with issues.

The alcoholic could have sought help, the schizophrenic could have kept taking his medication. They both chose not to.

I have a mental disorder myself, fairly mild at this point in time. I choose to get assitance for it. I could so easily stop and just go back to my usual way of thinking. I don't know if I would call that a disease, but it certainly is a disorder of the way I think.

Diabetes can be controlled (well, type 2 anyway) wtih a decent diet. Alcholism can be controlled with a decent support system. WE have to choose what we want to live with and how much we can handle for ourselves.

I do hope you find your peace whatever your decisions are

ditto · Senior Member

Hi Diva, I haven't been here in ages, but you used to give me great advice about 5 years ago. I'm sorry that your A started drinking again, but the truth is that he is a binge drinker and by definition he is never on the wagon, he is only in a little pause. Only you can decide how much of your life you are willing to dedicate to this. For me, I have enough tsoriss in my life that I didn't need an alcoholic bringing me more. But that was my decision. He wound up dying 4 years after our divorce. I am sending you best wishes to find the strength to get through this.

Have you moved totally out of Texas? I moved from Orlando to Texas. Do you feel comfortable letting me know what city you moved to? I was curious. Are you enjoying it? I still have friends there who keep me abreast of what is going on in the state. I very much miss Florida.

-- Edited by ditto on Tuesday 29th of November 2011 05:58:59 PM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

No one said being an addict is like cancer or diabetes the point is, it's as much of a disease as they are.

No there is absolutely no cure. Sadly. Addiction is in a person's dna, that is like saying there is a cure for freckles.

I agree they should not be babied. We know that is the worst thing to do! That is why letting go, detaching is vital for us and our A.

Addiction in itself is an uncontrolable desire to use. As far as drugs go. It in itself is not a choice. BUT there are different degrees of addition also. It's like if you have more people in your family of origin with brown hair than blond you will have more markers to be dark haired. The more addicts in your backround the worse the disease is.

I find it sad the anger that I felt reading some of these posts. It is NOT personal. Addicts do not do this to hurt others on purpose! I believe and always will, if I cannot accept someone for who and what they are or what they suffer from, I will not be around them.

It's not a "fault" they have, they are sick people, who only can be helped by themselves.

love,debilyn

ythannah · Senior Member

Hey, Diva -- good to see you around here again. If I recall correctly, you and I were in much similar situations -- self-sufficient women in non-marital relationships with As. I ended my relationship a week ago today.

I remember once when my ABF used the cancer analogy and I snapped back that no one I know would voluntarily walk into the liquor store, buy themselves a tumor and attach it to a vital organ! biggrin

I think Aism is more like diabetes in that it is a chronic condition which has to be carefully managed -- eat properly, check blood sugar regularly, take insulin, etc. The diabetic has no control over having the condition, but they do have control over how they conduct their life in order to be well or to be sick. I see Aism much the same way.

The ex ABF's most recent relapse precipitated the breakup and as far as I can tell his excuse for drinking this time was a combination of two days of upheaval when the boiler had to be replaced in his house and having to do a major houseclean because his landlord was getting an appraisal done a few days later. Pretty normal life stuff, huh? But, like most As, everything was about HIM and how much stress this all caused for HIM.

All he kept saying was, "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" and my stomach would knot up instantly while the little voice inside my head was screaming, "I CANNOT spend the rest of my life like this!" I finally got to the point where I wanted to heal my own pain rather than his.

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks all of you, for your replies. This is the place where I share my deepest and darkest moments. You do not seem to hear much from me when things are going well. And, for the most part, things are going well. SW Florida is beautiful, and we are happy to be here. Some of you will remember I had planned to relocate to Hawaii...I even bought a lovely beach-front condo on Maui. But my children convinced me that I would be too far away from the family. I argued that they could have a free Hawaiian vacation whenever the mood hit them, but in my heart I knew they were right. So, the beautiful condo has turned out to be a vacation spot for me and the family, and a vacation rental for others. That is working out fine, and Florida is a great compromise.

I wish all of you the very best for the holiday season and beyond. Take care of yourselves. I may not be here often, but you are always on my mind.

Diva

Hoot Nanny · ~*Service Worker*~

diva: I just wanted to say that I basically I maintained my weight over THANKSGIVING because afterwards I went to my TOPS group, I had actually stayed the SAME!

BUT enough about me, no one needs an EXCUSE for drinking! Drinking alcohol is a symptom of the disease! I am a stickler on the fact that an EXCUSE is just a cover for the COMPULSIVE drinker! HE probably was going to SLIP anyway! I think a SLIP is Sobriety losing its priority!

Sorry to be so BOLD & HARSH! I am just looking out for YOU!

Remember that we love you & YOU first!

Kathleen

Grace11 · Member

Hey Diva,

I agree with the whole cancer analogy always been made...by my husband. If he had cancer would I support him, be angry with him etc...?! I understand that when he has one drink his alcoholism/"disease" takes over but HE chooses to take the first one. I'm in an angry stage so just venting. Hope you are doing well. cry

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