similiar story here-it does so help to be able to talk, even anonymously-I have held it in so long-I know its not about the stories-but once it has been said I seem to be able to let it go

Hi Grace, this place can really help you heal your heart. We need Al Anon expecially when we have an A who is attending AA. Being on the same wavelength means lots.

First I hope you can be gentle on yourself. You have been through a lot.

Let me tell you, believing rehab or AA or him getting on program is going to help is making things harder on you.

The truth is the disease makes us sick too. So we have to number one learn we have NO control over their disease. We just let it go. Its not ours to even think about.

Then we look at what we need. Even eating correctly, paying attention to our own health. Do we need help with depression? Does our stomach hurt?

We put so much of us on is he going to get sober, is he going to quit and be ok, we forget about us.

He is an adult. Its totally his disease to deal with. Its OK to let it go! In fact you have to or it will kill you. What do you like to do? I found I quit cleaning like I used to. I love to clean my house. Mostly becuz I am thankful I have one!

I stopped gardening! So I started bringing in ONE flower plant. Then more then more. I got all the cobwebs down. Whether he would come home or not was not worth me sitting and making myself sick.So I cleaned, planted flowers, read books, started a Bible study. Went to the barn and goofed around with the animals.

Me being concerned about his illness stopped. He was the only one who could do anything. He would either go back to recovery or not. I was going to live my life, and if I could love him as is. And I did. It no longer mattered if he drank or not. I learned to just be me again. If he got where it was not pleasant I would do what I do, go read, whatever. Never responded to the bolony. Was just a pickled brain talking. I actually pictured a drunk pickle in his head.

When he would not come home, I imagined him in a giant healthy strong pink hand of Jehovah's. All in a fetal position. knowing no matter what things will be ok.

He took himself to rehab, meetings all of it. NOT my thing. It went well for a long time.

Grace, we can choose to let that part go. And appreciate they are home, that they love us and we them. If we cannot live with them as is that is up to us.

But we do not have to be emotionally drained. We can learn to be ok and happy with them as is.

I wish so much I had a chance of that longer. I would rather have him here quiet. just sorta ok. next to me than be with out him.

There are lines that only we can draw. for me any kind of abuse endes it. And he being brain damaged abused me very badly one day.

That was that.

Please keep coming. Take a breath and think of you only honey. Allow him the dignity to live his life and just love him. Your lives do not depend on how his disease takes its course.

we can just stop and climb out of the pit. hugs, keep coming,we care. there is soooo much love here. debilyn

Aloha Grace and WELCOME BACK!!  Good to see you here again.  Give yourself a hug girl sometimes the solution comes sooner and sometimes not.  "Getting it" took me a long long time with meetings backed up with college and then....ta da!!  I got it!!  Don't let the privacy thing keep you out of the face to face rooms if you're not already going cause that is where the stories have bodies and faces and humanity.   It's okay to take your focus off of "the alcoholic in your life" and put it on the next happy step in front of you.   Again welcome back!!  ((((hugs))))

Thanks so much for taking the time to type all that to me. I am really just trying to make sense of it all and was only able to log on again to see if anyone had replied...you have. I know that all you say makes sense but it's hard! I'm still at the "if only I could change him" & "Why me?!" stage. and I KNOW that that is not the way to be thinking at all but I can't help it. I think if I stick at coming back hear and keep hearing sense I will learn to relax a bit.

Thanks, I probably sound really naive or stupid or both but I like the annonymity of this forum and feel I can vent a little!!