How has alcoholism affected your sex life? - Al-Anon Family Group

tired of trying · Veteran Member

How has alcoholism affected your sex life?

stephaniej · Senior Member

This is a HUGE problem for me. Ours is also non-existent. We have the opposite problem that many here seem to have. My AH does not initiate sex ever anymore, and pushes me away when I try to initiate. In my opinion, it stems from his personal shame over becoming an active alcoholic again (after a long period of recovery), and the way he emotionally abuses me. He frequently turns his shame around on me, and in order to deflect his own shame he blames and berates me, then says he is not willing or able to have an initimate relationship with someone he is so mad at.

KimK · Veteran Member

Mine is also non-existent....This just kind of happened over time....It doesn't appeal to me to be kissing or cuddling with a man that smells disgustingly of alcohol.......Also, I can live without the physical part...I need emotional closeness, and that isn't happening with my husband right now, and I honestly, will probably never be again....One of the last times we had sex, nearly two months ago, I felt like he was a million miles away, and that hurt very deeply....I vowed to not put myself in that position anymore....After a bit, he stopped asking...Life goes on...

tired of trying · Veteran Member

For the longest time I thought it was me-and of course AH reinforced that and then it became the excuse for drinking again. During a previous sober period we tried and he was basically impotent-but still tries to say it is me . Now that he is sober again he is using it like a weapon-doesn't want any contact (so he says). So I am detaching from that too-he will have to make the next move and he will have to be sober when he does. So we live like polite strangers for now.

It helps to hear from others-I don't miss it either-but it is sad.

KimK · Veteran Member

My husbands head has gotten so big that I don't think there would be room in that king size bed for me....lol I say that lightly, but he has changed so much in the last couple of months that I have had trouble keeping up....Alcoholism is such a terrible thing....It's wonderful to be able to come here and know that others understand...

tired of trying · Veteran Member

Is he in recovery-mine is-sort of....

KimK · Veteran Member

no, not even close, unless they r having AA meetings at the bar. Lol. I guess sort of being in recovery is better than none at all. We will survive.

Hoot Nanny · ~*Service Worker*~

still kind of embarassing but I can relate; still a long story but boring & not worth mentioning! Hang in there!

amills4294 · Senior Member

My husband is not an A but we have issues in this area as well. For him it should just be - it should just happen - we're married - no need for courtship or seduction or intimacy - to him intimacy is sex. Just a big gap between us.

kris10 · Senior Member

OMG!!! How glad am I that someone posted this!!!! Feel soooo much better that is it not JUST ME.... I mean cmon I'm 28 and I have no sex life... What the Hell!! Mine to pushes me away... When he used to be the most affectionate man I had ever met....Ugh...

-- Edited by canadianguy on Monday 28th of November 2011 11:57:44 PM

CamaroGirl · Member

Luckily it hasn't really. There was an incident in the beginning of our relationship that had to do with his alcoholism and he felt badly about it. But he has made an effort not to let it repeat itself. He is now in recovery. Even with the issue of alcoholism, there is still that romance and passion but then again the relationship IS still fairly new. We've only been together a year.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

When I was still married, he was in strong recovery and it was great. He had never had a normal sexual relationship, being a drunk all his life.

So it was fun, and loving and all of it. After his brain surgery it was not him. It got where one time I felt I was raped. Pretty awful.

I talked to him and then it was ok again but then becuz of med relapse he started drinking. Our love life got down to zero.

We had been together off and on all our lives. He started having problems that embarrassed him.

So my thought was he could not handle the humiliation of it so he just did not bother.even though I made it clear I sure did not care. I never had a better kisser in my life!

It honestly bothered me horribly. At the end, I said the one and only mean thing I have ever said to him. I called him a sexless wonder.

ugh. He probably does not even remember.

Anyway since we have not been together for shoot 8 years....I am back to that five year plus virgin again. I was celibet for almost 18 years before him! I don't believe in sex unless I am married. After my first husband was killed, I was not into marrying anyone else. Not until this second husband came along in a very strong recovery program and me totally ignorant to addiction.

Makes me crazy. But would not want to be in that position again of being married, desiring a man who did not want me that way,or did but was too afraid to try.

this is where the cheating can come in. They don't care if they cannot perform with a person who hmm is a person of ill repute.

anyway its a good thing to bring up once in awhile. Its so so sad.

debilyn

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

He used to be a world-class lover. Now our sex life doesn't exist.

Diva

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate and think it is fairly normal. I shouldn't say, but since the divorce I seem to be more appealing again, seriously not sure why, some sort of game, but I am not playing.
Sending you all love and support on your journey's!

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

My husband is a passionate man.
It used to be if he smoked some pot he got more passionate. One day, he was stoned and I tried to initiate and he told me to go away and let him enjoy his stone.
Fromthat day forth, if he is stoned, I do not approach him and if he approaches me I say no.
That is one of the reasons I guess that I was willing to try to accept his use when I am not around, because it gave me reason to look to see if he had been smoking.. cos then I would know not to have sex with him. It was an excuse for me. My sex life became non existant and he started to take things into his own hands so to speak. I couldn't deal with that at all so I backed down.

Now, our sex life is great. It is a personal boundary of mine that if he is actually stoned and has smoked when spending time with me.. no.. I will not engange in stoned sex (no matter even if it is passionate), but otherwise, I am allgood to go in the normal sense.

In past relationships, resentments build up and it makes sex less enjoyable. Unfortunately all of my past relationships have been borderline sexually abusive so I can't give a healthy response to those.

Alcohol does not do well for the muscle involved and it does less for our heart and intimacy. His feelings of 'less than' may also be part of it.

All I can be · Senior Member

I googled sex life and still dont remember. A movie and a cuddle sure would be nice though. It just doesnt seem natural to me, living life alone. At least no one is in love with the bottle anymore.

Intimacy is caring, and friendship with a good amount of selflessness, respect and understanding. Also allowing someone the freedom to have their own life. True friendship involves wanting to see another happy and not keeping score on who owes whom what. All of this should be accomplished in a reciprocal way.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

What sex life? Tee hee - when we lived together I was accused of pressuring him for sex, having sex with anyone in my town that had the equipment, being over-sexed, having too great of expectations.... etc. and so on. And honestly, what I really wanted wasn't the actual act but the closeness - we started out normal for our age group, I think, if there is such a thing as "normal" for any age group; then it dwindled pretty quickly; like needing a reason to drink, everything was a reason why we weren't having sex - sometimes I think he engineered a fight between us in order to NOT have to "go there".

odalis · Veteran Member

great question!!

Mine is pretty non-existent- I would say about twice a month, because he's not drinking those days. On days he drinks he is in bed by 7 so we rarely see each other at all. On days he doesn't drink he's still in bed by 7 and I just don't feel like it. I must admit, I was one of those and at times still am who would just do it to get it over with and him off my back all the time, but now I just don't care, and I know he knows it's because of the alcohol. It's so not cool. :( and to be honest when we do have sex, I mostly hide and cry afterwards because i miss that closeness :(

Grace7 · Senior Member

It Totally affected mine negatively! I listened to him c/o about me, "my" inadequacies in this arena and then to learn how etol destroys the circulation of the goods as well as other areas (ie esophageal bleeds...a leading cause of death in alcoholics). IF only I had learned this years before, I would have had a better esteem. We had a GREAT life before alcohol took him over.

I wonder how many men would pay attention to their alcohol use if they were told it would virtually kill this area of their lives? Seriously.

Green Eyes · ~*Service Worker*~

Our intimacy began to decrease as my AH's drinking binges increased. He blamed me for "being cold" and for not initiating lovemaking in our last couple of years before I separated from him eight months ago. I wanted to tell him that making love with someone who stopped taking care of himself was not very much of a turn on, but I knew that saying these things would fall on deaf ears.

I miss the physical closeness of being with someone you love and the intimacy we shared before his drinking escalated. He never fails to tell me that it was all my fault that our sex life had become unfulfilling. He has never taken any responsibility for this sad change in our marriage.

tired of trying · Veteran Member

These last two really hit home-all the blame was mine till I refused to believe it anymore. It doesn't help that he is also addicted to porn and that has totally skewed his idea of what sex should be.

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