Rodney and I corresponded fairly frequently over the last year since I joined MIP. I am really saddened by his passing. I have spent some time this morning reading through his private messages to me and there is so much wisdom and serenity there, and I wanted to share some of what he offered me here to everyone. He was always so kind and so patient, even when I was being pig headed and stubborn. Every note was signed with something like "Your friend" or "In support". A small gesture but it meant so much to me.

Rodney's situation, from what he shared with me, seemed to be really difficult--yet you wouldn't know it from corresponding with him. Thank you, Rodney for all that you did to help me and others.

Below are random quotes from various messages he sent me over the last year:

She is not gong to drink any more or any less regardless of how I act or react the next morning. My wife and your wife are going to get it when it's time for them to get it. Who knows they might just hear the words they need to hear at their next AA meeting. 

If we have truly turned our AW's over to our HP maybe our punishment in a small way is taking them back temporarily from HP. They are in HP's hands and the best way for us to take care of ourselves is to let them stay there, not letting the night before effect our mood or action the next morning. It's worked for me. Nothing has changed the drinking continues.....at least 12 beers a day. 12 beers + before I changed, 12 beers+ after I changed. But our relationship has changed for the better. Only food for thought.

Brian we have both come a long way since entering the program. I remember reading some of your early posts after you had been on MIP for only about a month and being concerned that you were going to give up on the program before the program had a chance to sink in. That was the reason for a couple of my early PM's to you. That old "controlling-fixer" came out in me. LOL. I felt recovery was just around the bend if you would only stick it out. You did....your working your program, and it's easy to see your life is better.

Do something for me. Go to your "topics started" on your profile page and read the first five topic's you started and the replies . I just did. You said you had a moment of clarity today. When you read your first 5 topics started you will see not only clarity but a tremendous growth in your program. It's good sometimes to glance in the rear view mirror to see not where we are but how far we have come....glance but don't stare.

Your right about what I might tell you because there is only one answer. Alcohol, Valium, it doesn't matter, we are powerless. What do they say? You can bury an alcoholic up to their neck in cement and they will still find a way to get a drink. Your answer can be found by replacing the word alcohol with the word Valium in Step One (with a twist)....."You are powerless over Valium but "don't" allow it to make your life unmanageable." Treating Valium different from alcohol? The only rule book we have to go by is our program which tell us we have no control, we are powerless, we can try and only fail, we can put the foucs on them instead of us and our life will only become  unmanageable.    

A few months ago Jerry F and I were talking on the phone and he asked me how my wife was doing. I told him nothing had changed but me, that she still drank at least 12 beers a day but continued to attend 2 or 3 AA meetings each week. His reply was "Well Rodney it's good that even if she is drinking she is also attending AA meetings, you never know when she might hear the words she needs to hear at a meeting. " The same applies to your wife. 

There is a little ray of hope in what your wife said when she returned for her AA meeting when she said "I've simply replaced alcohol with Valium and I know how dangerous it is." Awareness is important. It doesn't matter that she was in denial later that day when her drug of choice was in control, admitting the fact is huge.

Brian imagine someone telling you to place a coin in the palm of your hand , the coin representing your wife. Picture yourself in a boat out in the ocean with the coin laying in you hand face up. You are told to throw the coin straight up several times. Each time the coins comes back and you are toll to catch it keeping it safe in you hand. After countless times of repeating this you are toll to turn you hand face down. The coin falls into the ocean and you can't get it back. A perfect example of "Letting Go And Letting God". That's one of the rules in our rule book. Boy it was hard for me, and their are many times I am tempted to catch my wife, but I remember turning the palm of my hand over two years ago and the coin falling out. It's the best ES&H I can offer you.

I have struggled with the same things you are struggle with, and still do at times. There is nothing wrong with the anger and disgust you feel. I have those feeling also. We are both human and this disease from time to time takes over our mind, body, and spirit as it has our wifes. It's hard to separate the disease form the person. Making a conscious effort to do that 100% of the time is almost impossible. Most of the time I do by detaching, not reacting, and asking myself how important is it. It was harder at first than it is now. Now with practice, and making a conscious effort, it comes easier. If I don't, I know where it will lead everytime, I have a choice, to keep my serenity and peace of mind or the alternative. 

If you haven't read "Geting Them Sober" I would recomend it highly. If you have read it again. The most important thing I got from the book it gave me permission to feel what I feel. That I have choices that are in the Al-Anon 
books but stated in a clearer way in "Getting Them Sober". The one statement that made to biggest impression on me was: "Staying sane while liveing with an active alcoholic is like an alcoholic trying to stay sober living in a bar". 

The feelings of.....Do I love my wife? Yes, I still have those thoughts from time to time when the disease is present and full blown. Again it's only human. Anyone living with an alcoholic that has not had those thoughts is a bigger person than myself. 

With all that being said, I can't tell you what you should do, only what has worked for me to make my life better. 1)Turning her over 100% to her HP, getting out of their way, and not taking it back from HP. At first I had to ask myself did I just not care anymore? That wasn't the case. I realized I had to accept the feeling that I had let go. 2) Taking the focus off my wife and all the junk that comes with the disease and puting the focus on myself and my happiness. If I allow the disease to take my happiness then the disease wins. I just don't allow it anymore. 3) Working my program to the best of my ability, going to meetings, coming to MIP reading and absorbing what others have done in more difficult situations than myself an applying it in my life. 4) Accepting Step One.....everything always comes back to Step One, everything. I am powerless, and I can choose to not let the disease make my life unmanageable. 5) Making changes in me, small and large changes, that made my life better. I didn't have to give in to my alcoholic, I gave up the things that were not working and making my life unmanageable. 

I'm happy you have HP in your life. My suggestion is to talk to him outloud. Ask for his guidance. Believe and have faith that what you ask for will come to be. Believe is the key word, after you "truly" believe and have seen your prayers answered, your faith will follow and become stronger and stronger. 

Brian whatever choice and decisions you decide, continue going to your meetings, find a sponser if you don't already have one, and put trust and faith in your HP that "his" will be done. If your wife has slipped it's not uncommon, she learned from being sober and she will learn from being active. Both our wifes know what the other side looks and feels like. Regardless it's what you and I do that is most important.

What I did and I have stated it several times in posts on MIP, I turned my wife over to my HP. I had known that countless times in my life, but this time I really did and got out of their way 100%, and I haven't takn her back once. I don't worry about if she is drinking or how much. I don't let it bother me. I just don't. What good would, or had that ever done. My favorite slogans are "Don't React" and "How Important Is It". I don't allow her drinking to effect me. She is in HP's hands. I started paying attention to my body language always try to be in a good mood regardless of her mood. What I said in that sentence has really made a difference. Alcoholic's are the best at reading body language. I look her in the eye with a pleasant look on my face when we talk. I stop what I am doing and give her my attention. It's made a tremendous difference. Put some thought to that and it might help.

I have read all your posts and our situations are almost mirror images. I have seen your growth in the program since you became a member in early Oct. I remember the roller coaster rides that made me crazy and dizzy. I stepped out in front of the speeding train known as alcoholism more times than I care to admit. What I chose to do after a short time in the program, after seeing first hand in my meetings, was to strive to get what I saw others with time in the program had. Many of their situations were were much worse than mine, but they seemed happy in spite of their situations at home. After my third meeting I decided to get off my "pity pot" accept the program, work the program, and not question the program. Nothing changed overnight. I didn't change overnight. But with the tools of the program and the slogans I started to see a change. Eventually my wife saw that change. We never discussed it, but I knew. 

I'm sure you are aware if you have read many of my posts that "Don't React" is my favorite slogan. It was a wonderful tool even during the 8 months my wife was sober. They say you don't have to go to every argument you are invited to. Likewise you don't have to go to every conversation you are invited to. Many times I end a conversation with "You might me right". You don't have to "win" every time to "win". Now I can "snip the wires" instead of feeling I have to disagree, or have the right answer. How important is it?