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Haven't been here in a while, and have found the longer I am away the harder it is to come back because I have so much to say! Then, twice now, I finally wrote my post, hit an unknown control and deleted it all. Aaahhhh!
Work, kids, and pure exhaustion pretty much sum up why I haven't been here, though every so often I try. Been working on detaching from my A-pot smoking-pres pill using-who claims he is bipolar- brother, but that is for another post. Have also been working on detaching from my 18 year old son. I posted much about him 9-10 months ago when I allowed him to live with a friend for a while and discovered I allowed him to go to a living situation that is any sane parent's nightmare. Anyhow, I got him back, but as soon as he turned 18 he returned. It breaks my heart, and I have let go. He doesn't want much contact with us. I text him every so often and tell him I love him, and invited him to the holidays, but that is about it. He said he was interested and would get back to me about Thanksgiving, but did not. I will try to refrain from making any contact about Christmas, since he knows he is welcome, but we'll see how I hold out. Attempts to spend quality time with him ended up anything but, so I don't even try anymore. My focus has been on my 7 yr old son and 14 yr old daughter. Our house is peaceful, and my daughter was distraught at first when he was gone, but now relishes the peace and says she doesn't want him home. Honestly, I don't either, I just want him safe.
Positives.. he is taking on some responsibility, starting to communicate with his dad, working, and pays me monthly for his cell phone. He carefully chooses his words and is polite. He says he loves us. Apparently is paying $80 a month rent to live in a trailer in the backyard and has had to pay for some maintenance of it. Negatives... pot smoking and who knows what else, not going to school (he said he wanted to buy a car first), hasn't cut or combed his dyed black hair in months, and living with a dysfunctional family who allows everything that I do not.
He and his friend both turned 18 in July and got their drivers licenses the beginning of Aug. The grandparents bought the friend a car, and my son has had free rein to drive both his friend's car and the mother's car, and does so for his pizza delivery job. His friend totaled his car about a month ago. Well, tonight I found out my son crashed the mother's car. I learned this from my daughter and her facebook communication with the sister. As far as I know, he nor anyone else was hurt, and the mom and grandma are mad. I do not know if he was high, if there was another vehicle, or were any charges. Its a small town, and I will find out tomorrow, no doubt.
I am experiencing so many emotions right now... anger, deep sadness, shock, disbelief and relief. Of course in my heart I hope a lesson may have been learned, but I know better that to have such lofty expectations. Bottom line is my son is making his own choices, I know that, but I still want so much different and better for him! He is angry and hurting, and for now wants to hold onto it. The bitter, mean side of me feels this is just what that mother deserved. I cannot understand how one cannot be sympathetic to the pleas of another mother, and not support a kid's relationship with his family, nor want what is best for him. I also feel tremendous guilt, blame my ex, get caught up in the woulda coulda shouldas, and wonder if its karma for being so judgemental of others. I have been so humbled. I don't understand. I want to beg God to just stop it all. I am sorry!
I know I shared a lot of pity and not much ESH, but it is just where I am at the moment. What now?? Any words would be appreciated. I'll just continue to pray and keep coming back.
Blessings,
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Go easy on yourself, I couldn't imagine having a kid lost in this disease, parents and a husband has been so hard. My 2 kids are young and still at home. It sounds like you are working a good program and I remember your shares before with him at the other house. I think you are handling this very well and still taking good care of your other 2 kids. Take care of yourself and get to meetings if you can. I am sending you lots of love, prayers and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
What came to mind while I read your post was the Serenity Prayer.
You are powerless. I know you know this.
From 1 mother of a runaway son to another, please take care of yourself. He is in HP's hands. Any control you might think you have is an illusion.
I know your pain. Reading your post made recall the undescribable pain of letting go of your child. After a few years of total hell back then when my son was doing his thing, living with another family, etc, he came back around. I discovered all that we had taught him was still there. Evidently he had to go explore the other side for a while. I hope, no, I pray, that is the case with your son.
Serenity Prayer - over and over and over. As many times a day as needed.
A big hug to you!
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
