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I invited my son to Thanksgiving dinner, he never showed and wrote me this email. Before I respond, I would like some ESH, if anyone has any for me. This email tells me I have lots more work to do on "Acceptance". Am I missing anything else? I don't want to mention all the times when he has had me worried, and left me hanging in the past, I don't want to go there. We all have experienced those times. I'd rather respond with love and understanding but I am not good with words and don't know exactly what to say. Thanks Oldergal
Email I received:
"I dont keep in touch so much because i feel like you always look down on me and judge me for how im living my life, it is what it is, I feel like a dissapointment, like you wish i was doing better, but im doing the best I can, and I dont like being judged so i dont like to put myself in situations where that occurs"
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
I am so saddened that you received that message and know exactly how I would respond to such a communication. I just wish My son was still here so I could tell him:
Dear Son
I am so very sorry that you feel as if I have judged you and disapprove of your choices in life.
It was never my intention to cause you pain I love you and am of so proud of you. You are a kind intelligent loving, gentle man, that I love and admire . Your life partner loves and supports you and you are happy in your life work. I am happy for you and want to support you in any way possible .
Please know that I love you and that I am so sorry if I ever judged or criticized you I any manner
I am so sorry. I feel that my AH *always* makes himself into a victim no matter what the scenario...it is part of his disease. It sounds like your son is simultaneously trying to stick up for himself but also is feeling a little sorry for himself, too. All we can do is have compassion and I try to understand that YES, my husband really believes deep down that he is a failure, even though he isn't in my eyes or our children's. But that is the cycle of shame the alcoholic has to deal with. It is so hard to watch someone you love feel so badly about themselves (even when they have put your through hell). I am sorry this came to you on a special day like today--maybe it can open a door for discussion and healing though? Best wishes for peace--you are definitely not alone.
Yeah...it is frustrating cuz I also know that all alcholics are hugely egocentric and full of self-centered self-pity. Knowing what I know about alcoholism, his response does read like "I can't stand to have my feelings hurt even by my mom whose prerogative is to try and look out for me. I only care about me so therefore I am justified in forgetting your birthday and thankgiving and completely overlooking any responsibility as a son because I am a big baby with lots of hurt feelings."
Of course, I still would go with Betty's response because he is not going to view things that way until (or if) he is in recovery for a good while and develops some perspective. In the meanwhile you want a relationship with your son so I guess it's best to meet him where he's at...even if you don't particularly like where he's at.
Aloha Older...What I've learned in Al-Anon is to consider and respect the others perception meaning that I would use the statement for an opportunity to do an honest inventory of my behavior, thoughts and feelings and motivations before responding. If there was any truth in what my alcoholic/addict wife said to me I'd step up and own it, apologize for it and then work with my sponsor in program to make amends. If there wasn't any truth to her accusation my sponsors use to teach "apologize anyway" and then let it go...state my love to the alcoholic, don't try to "straighten" her out on the matter and go on with something else that would be of interest to both of us. Before my alcoholic/addict wife got into AA/Rehab that use to drive her at times crazy because I just was refusing to fight...the detachment. It worked when I worked it.
He has his feelings and perceptions and they are only his...right wrong or indifferent and however he is motivated to them...respect him cause thats best and easiest on your loving spirit and then turn him over and over and over to HP. ((((hugs))))
Thanks for the share and do feel that Betty's got a wonderful response. You've gotten some great ESH from all.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I very much relate to the email you recieved ((older)) My son is an addict and currently in jail. I at times revert to my pre-alanon days and try to encourage ( or at least in my mind it is encouraging) him to take advantage of the 12 step meetings they hold in jail or just to read the big book to see if he can relate to any of the stories in there. And I recieved a letter that said pretty much what your son conveyed to you. That I wasn't being accepting, I was judging and he felt when he read these things it made him feel "less than". Now reality tells me he isn't ready to hear the message and it is a reality check for me to step back out of his business ( easier said than done). But my response to him was that no matter how he chose to live he was loved unconditionally. There is nothing he could do or say to make his father or I stop loving him. I listed all his wonderful quailties and accomplishments that made us so very proud of him and we would always be proud to call him our son. But reality also is we have put our own boundries in place, he is well aware of what they are. And as he deserves the dignity to live his life as he chooses so do we. And I only added that in because we have at home and in therapy sessions with him explained in detail what our boundries are and that we also deserve the dignity to live the life that we choose. But the most important thing we wanted him to know was that he was loved no matter what, that a day would never go by where we wouldn't give thanks that he is our son. I know what a hard email that was to get from your child and I send prayers your way in responding back to him with words he needs to hear while you also take care of you! Blessings
I am glad the door is open for communication between the 2 of you. You already received great ESH and I just want to send you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I understand, and I am sorry. It is so tough! I have heard those same words many times from my son, and for those same reasons he claims not to want to be with our family. His dad (a recovering A) and I have finally detached. All contact with him now is very simple. We no longer give him ammunition. Every so often, we let him know we love him, and keep responses and info that must be passed simple and factual. I sent him an invite to Thanksgiving and he responded that didn't think so, but would let me know. He also sent his love. His words were polite and carefully chosen, and that is progress. My response was "okay", and that is progress for me. He never got back to me, and the truth is, that as sad as the concept was, he was doing what he needed to do for him and I had some peace knowing I wouldn't get caught up in unmet expectations. I have found that with separation, the settling of emotions and the passage of time, it is becoming easier for me to accept him for who he is and where he is right now. As a result, I am feeling more honest and free to express my love for him, and it is easier for him to hear it.
Hang in there,
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
