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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Alcoholic Partner Sober 8 days in AA. Can I ask them if they had a drink (day 9) or??
Post Info TOPIC: Alcoholic Partner Sober 8 days in AA. Can I ask them if they had a drink (day 9) or??
Jes


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Alcoholic Partner Sober 8 days in AA. Can I ask them if they had a drink (day 9) or??
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Do I wait to see if they tell me?

I am in a LDR and very involved in my partners life.

Last night on the phone it was pretty obvious to me some drinking had occured.

I have been un-able to get to an Al-Anon meeting yet.

I just don't know if its appropriate to ask if they had a drink or do I wait it out until they decide to or not to ... tell.

Please advise I have not asked yet because I do not want to mess up the progress. It is difficult to wait it out though and perhaps they need to be confronted and accountable Just don't know

Thanks in advance for your input



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zeninator


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I'm totally new here and my mom has been slipping up so I'm also curious to any responces. 



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GailMichelle


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Hi Jes,

Welcome to MIP!

Well, we strive to not give advice for many reasons.  But we do give our ES&H (experience, strength & hope.

My experience with living with alcoholism for the past 37 years:

Quick overview of my experience - was married to a person with a drinking problem.  He went through 3 rehabs in the past 3 years.  Third trip to rehab has been a success thus far.  We are reunited after 20 months separation; 12 of those months we were legally divorced.

Um......... would I ask if he'd been drinking?  BEFORE Al-Anon, you betcha!  I thought it was my business to know what he did.  However, after 10 months of Al-Anon meetings, I don't go there anymore.  I won't ask even if he reeks of alcohol.  Besides, don't you usually know if your partner has been drinking?  Furthermore,  if our partner has been drinking, what if the answer is yes?

I highly suggest that you seek Al-Anon meetings ASAP.  I was so reluctant to go to meetings all those years.  Meetings were my last resort.  In hingsight, I wish they had been my first.

You find a little treasure (MIP).  There will be lots of people who will share their ES&H with you.

There's so much to learn.  Be patient with yourself.  You've begun the journey that you won't regret if you keep coming back!



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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light.  Lama Surya Das

Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die.  Malachy McCourt
zeninator


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GailMichelle wrote:
Um......... would I ask if he'd been drinking?  BEFORE Al-Anon, you betcha!  I thought it was my business to know what he did.  However, after 10 months of Al-Anon meetings, I don't go there anymore.

 Epic.  I learned through trial and error that confrontations don't work at ALL; at least not here.



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canadianguy


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Hi Jes - glad you found us...

Your question is a really common one, and there isn't really a right or wrong answer....

For me, it ended up not really mattering, and I had to learn NOT to ask.  One of the very real reasons why - is it kept me enmeshed in their disease, and quite frankly, I didn't believe my A anyways.  When I knew she had been drinking, it was kind of pointless to accuse her of it and/or care whether or not she was admitting to it...

Al-Anon doesn't "should" us on such things, it simply helps us understand of what decision may or may not be helpful towards our own peace of mind.

 

 

Take care, and keep coming back

Tom



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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"What you think of me is none of my business"

"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"

 

 

 

 
nyc018


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Hi there and welcome to MIP.
In my experience, asking my alcoholic husband if he drank only confirmed what I already knew (even if he wasn't telling the truth) or resulted in some nasty confrontations. It never achieved the desired result (ie., that he would stop drinking then and there). Sometimes I'd temporarily feel better because I figured "at least he knows I know" and therefore thought he may make an attempt to stop drinking. That was before I came to realize and accept that it's totally out of my control and that his drinking had nothing to do with me.
I encourage you to keep coming back here. All the best, nyc

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Jes


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Thank You everyone. I appreciate all the input.
Mostly for me at the moment is if the question "Did you have a few yesterday" Would help or harm the progress.
With this all so new to me I don't want to make a mistake. I was thinking maybe asking them (definitely not accusing ... but perhaps my assumption would seem accusing to them?) would make them realize they didn't successful hide it.
So in turn would make them accountable and maybe think twice before slipping again.
I have a feeling they are dealing with it today themselves and not happy about it .. I think I best (as you suggest) try to not ask and cross my fingers they get back to a meeting this evening after work.

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Lindaoakford


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The question I have been asking myself lately when I want to check or ask is "What am I going to do with the answer'?
I am trying to not say "This question will help him". Because if anything we said or did even helped a little.. we woudl not be here woudl we??? Nothing we say will make him think anything. He will do what he does, my husband sees any quesiton or discussion as me getting involved in his business.

And he is right.

I even tried using with him so he would think.. gee Linda is using alot of stuff... strange she doesn't even like it.... gee.. if she is using every day and I think that is alot.. then maybe I am using every day and that is alot and I could cut down!!!!! He never thought any of this. When I spoke to him aobut it later (I was so sick after a week I stopped), he said, yeah I thought that was strange you were using cos youdon't like it. That was as far as it went. I told him my motive and he just thought I was weird.

I call it emotional manipulation when I do it. If I really look at it, I am trying to control where his thoughts and feelings go. It doesn't work in any situation that I have heard of.

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Linda - a work in progress
Jerry F


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Lindaoakford wrote:

The question I have been asking myself lately when I want to check or ask is "What am I going to do with the answer'?

 Ahhhhh Linda...so priceless and full of growth!!  That is the very question my sponsor asked me under the very same conditions.  What I use to do with the answer before the new lesson was turn it on myself to make matters sooooo much worse for me including causing my alcoholic/addict wife to distance herself even farther from the realtionship.

My sponsor also gave me a slogan to attach to my confusions..."When in doubt...Don't!!"  I kept returning to the program to learn what others were learning and that turned out much much better.

Keep coming back ((((hugs)))) smile



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sookie


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Goo perspective Lindaoakford!!!

I can say for me that my AH is a major liar, so I learned not to bother asking. Sober people don't smell like alcohol, slur their speech, say the same thing over and over and over again because they forgot they said it, etc...so yeah, it is usually clear when my AH relapses (sadly about once/month). Al-Anon has helped me change how I re-act though and I cannot put into words how my own changed behavior has made it easier for ME. No more red faced raging lunatic (that was me)...rather I can stay calm, realize the facts, and come up with a reasonable plan, often involving boundaries.

Also--best advice anyone ever gave me--do not bother talking to them if they are drunk. It is WORTH the wait until they are sober (they won't remember what they said anyway).

Best wishes for peace!

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Just for Today...
Debilyn


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In my personal program, I work on me.

I don't feel it is any of my business if they use or not. I would not want anyone policing me either.

Also when we make ourselves a part of someone elses program we weaken it. They need to be completely responsible for it.

Just does not matter. We love them, accept them as is or we don't.

Great question! I can tell you care a lot. That is wonderful!! yes if you can find meetings, come here a lot!

love,debilyn



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Breakingfree


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Hi and welcome to MIP. I hope you are able to find some face to face Al-anon meetings in your area too. I am sending you love and support on your journey!

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

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tommyecat


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Jes,

You know for me I found when I would ask if they had been drinking it would really cause problems.  Before I attended alanon I would give the kiss hello smell test, ask the question, then get lied to. 

I have found I dont need to ask questions I already know the answers to.  Alanon has helped me with keeping my instinct in line.   

I agree with Tom, there are no right or wrong answers here because there are lessons on both sides.  When I got tired of asking the same question for which I would get a false answer to, I stopped asking.

Glad you are here. 

Tommye



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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Alcoholic Partner Sober 8 days in AA. Can I ask them if they had a drink (day 9) or??