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My husband is sober right now-partially due to a court order. He goes to meetings but his thinking/behavior is so erratic it almost seems like he has a form of dementia-we've been together for over 35 years-through good times and bad but this not knowing is hard. He also has high blood pressure and has stopped his medication-his way of saying they can't control everything I do. I know he wants to drink-but not sure if this is just a dry drunk. In one day he can be totally depressed, kind and considerate, angry and verbal abusive-with no reason for the changes.
That is not just a dry drunk.....that is more likely an early sobriety drunk is what it is. Yes...those behaviors and patterns continue into what one might refer to as a dry drunk when the person is not drinking for years and still acts like that. From what I have seen, people in their first year of sobriety can act like that even if they are going to 7 meetings a week AND working on the steps. It takes a LONG time and ongoing work to stop those selfish, ego-centered behaviors. Much of the time drinking alcohol or using drugs is really just another symptom of problems dealing with our moods and thinking so it's not like it stops when we stop drinking OR the minute we start going to AA. It continues and needs steady and ongong recovery.
Thanks-He was sober through his own choice for 15 years-then has relasped on and off for the last 4-I'm thinking the behavior is different this time because he was more or less forced into sobriety-lots of anger directed at me-which I can take, just don't want it to be deflected on my grandson who lives with us-and it is. I'm am trying to be kind and not take it personally-but it is hard sometimes not to lash back.
My husband was in rehab facilities 3 different times over the past 3 years. The first rehab was a bit forced and didn't take. The second one was him admitting himself to rehab (I was out of the picture during that time). The third time occurred this past May, and so far seems to have taken hold.
The third time around was quite different before entry and after. He wants sobriety. It doesn't seem an ounce of force coming from anywhere. We all backed off before the third entry and he is well aware of it.
During this last rehab, he told me that he was doing this for him and not for any other reason. I sensed that day that he meant it. So far, so good.
Sometimes, it takes many attempts before they get on the road to recovery. Have hope in your heart. But in the meantime, place your focus on you.
I hold hope in my heart that my husband continues on the road he is on. He is quite pleasant to live with. However, I know that relapse can occur. I don't concern myself with that. I work at placing the focus on me and what I can control. I take measures to protect myself emotionally and financially. I don't depend on him or others for my happiness anymore.
Take what you like........................
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Well, you know what the reason is for the radical mood shifts and behavior changes. And yes, being in partial denial will make that worse cuz I would feel like the solution to my crappy mood was right within reach (alcohol) and I would be bitter and angry that I couldn't have it.
Some folks in early sobriety get labeled with bipolar disorder because that pattern of self medicating emotions is so engrained that when they stop drinking they very much appear and are on a roller coaster of emotions.
Whether or not he was sober 15 years before doesn't matter cuz 4 years of relapsing is enough to take you right back or to even worse a spot than before. The good thing about having 15 years sober before is that he might have some tools or some knowledge of recovery to work with when and if he does become willing.
Other folks will come along and give more ESH on how they personally dealt with the behaviors of their qualifiers with relation to what you are talking about. My experience is more from the perspective of being an alcoholic and witnessing a lot of recovery in AA (all I know from alanon is on this board).
mental health is a real big problem- for the best of us- id cut some slack- if he is sober then thats good. he struggles but he will only keep improving from here-
I agree with pinkchip. He has been forced into this sobriety, not through a choice or a want to do it for himself. I can equate it to being forced to on a diet and exercise program cos of my weight when I am not ready to do so. I would hate it.
I grew up with dry drunk from 8 til I left home at 17. some of that was early recovery for my Dad, after a few years.... it was dry drunk.
My parents stayed together. When the last kid left the house (me), there was no diversion any more, no protector, no one to complain to, no one to be a buffer of any sort, they then finally went to marriage counselling. When I was in my late 20's I saw my parents hold hands for the first time. They have a good relationship now. They are also now in their 80's and I figure they don't have a choice anymore either hahahahaha.
Its a confusing time for you right now I would imagine. Remember to take care of you and accept him with love if you can(easier said that done I admit)
Thanks-I,m thinking now, it may be related to his not taking his blood pressure medicine. He,s ok one minute, the next he is in a rage. The marriage stuff is probably related to his anger at me for not taking it any more. I got a Po when he tried to stop me from leaving because he was drunk and verbally abusive.
I should know he rarely means what he says when he is angry. It's his journey now and if we don,t make it, so be it.
My experience with the dry drunk syndrome is that his mood will change and shift to anger, negativity, and sarcasm. When the pressure builds up, he'll go and drink.
My part is that I dont have to play into the hand my AH deals to me. I can fold my cards and not get sucked into the negativity. When I remain calm and carry on with what I am doing, I have a decent evening.
What Tommye has said is what I have experienced. Right now I can see the pressure build, the difference is I'm really trying not to participate in it. When I don't participate I am better able to cope my day and be ok with it no matter what.
Hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
The AA big book says that the alcoholic is inclined to get sober, and until something internally is changed they are "restless, irratible, and discontent".
I know I was in this condition for the first year of my sobriety. No matter where I was, I was suppose to be somewhere else, no matter what I was doing, I was suppose to be doing something else. I was so uncomfortable inside my own skin that where my feet were had little impact on how I felt inside.
I was like the drunk horse theif who got sober. Now I was a sober horse theif. LOL
If nothing changes, nothing changes. Stopping drinking in and of itself doesn't bring about the needed change, it just makes it possible.
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
