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I'm feeling sad this morning and fighting the urge to slip into self pity mode. I think it comes down to me having trouble accepting that things are just not going to be the way I want, and I keep reminding myself to let go and let God. I'm just about to finish the first step, and I am still in so much pain, more than i realized. My AH drinking is increasing, and I keep having to readjust to what I have just gotten used to. Intellectually, I understand that he deserves the dignity to make his own choices and find his own way (to sobriety someday? or not), and for now he is keeping it out of the way of me and the children by drinking after we go to bed for the most part--emphasis on "for now", but yesterday when I saw him with a drink in had at Thanksgiving I was filled with fear and repulsion. I am struggling with what I want to be feeling and what I actually am...One day at a time, I know, but I am honestly terrified that this will go where it has been before and even worse if that where it needs to go for him to hit "bottom". In the meantime, I am feeling cheated of the husband I think I see others having...I know, I know...but honestly I am feleing envious of those who don't have this in their marriage. I played a part in this, I know, but I am having trouble ACCEPTING THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE. Thanks to Al Anon, my marriage has improved. I get over things more quickly. We are connecting more easily, and laughing more together. For that I am grateful. Thanks for indulging my long rant this morning. Phew!
I totally understand the feelings of self-pity and have to fight the urge a lot myself (I waffle between that and anger and don't know which one is better). It sounds like you're doing a great job keeping this in check! (btw I sent you a pm as well).
Hi ((danni)) Sorry you're feeling low today. After three years, I'm STILL working on that 1st step. I know (in my head) I have no control- , but my heart keeps wanting to argue that fact! You're right, he deserves the dignity to make his own choices, but, more importantly we have to realize that he WILL make his own choices regardless of what we do. It sounds like you are working hard on yourself, on making the changes that will give YOU peace and happiness. That doesn't mean that life will be a bowl of cherries from now on, though. I'm doing ok, but I still have those low times when I just can't seem to accept what my HP is trying to say because it's not always the answer I want to hear. I still have to fight the feeling that I know what's best (there's that control issue again!). Fear, repulsion, anger, envy, all very normal and common feelings to those of us living with an A. But you are learning what you need to be able to fight those feelings. That doesn't mean they ever go away (well, maybe for some, but I'm not there yet). But it does mean you now know what to do to help yourself when those feelings start to take over. Sending you hugs and happy thoughts!
Denise
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
Danni, that was not a long rant. That was a calm description of feeling in response to a very real and difficult situation. There is no easy answer as you know. It would seem the best thing is to build up your self-confidence and independence (through healthy detachment) to the point that you know whatever happens will not make or break you.
At some point, you can decide what is and is not ACCEPTABLE TO YOU. There is a big difference between accepting things you cannot change and accepting things that are unacceptable to you. I have gone round and round trying to accept others and fix these horrible resentments that would sprout up again and again before finally realizing "WTF! This person is not acceptable to have in my life!" I can accept they drink, they are an arsehole or whatever. That does not mean I have to accept them in my life they way they are at any given time. I have the freedom to draw those boundaries. That is the part of the serenity prayer in which I often forget: Having the courage to CHANGE the things I can.
I am not telling you to leave your husband. Just trying to add from my own painful experience of trying to accept things that were acceptable in a global sense, but not acceptable as part of my daily world. It is a spiritual choice and a spiritual process to keep a balance between accepting things and then deciding "Can I tolerate this?" I also constantly wonder if I am truly accepting something if it still greatly pisses me off. For example, I know someone is a jerk or an alcoholic or whatever but it still pisses me off...Am I really accepting? Not really cuz I am obviously either not accepting them as they truly are or I am having too much contact with that person cuz they irritate me (and that is Okay because I don't have to accept everyone or like everyone and their behaviors and traits).
So...this is your spiritual journey. As you complete step 1, these are things to consider. There are many things you have no power over. You essentially have no power over other people, places, and things. But, you have some power over how you let them into your life. The whole rest of the program is to figure the rest out.
I am sorry you are feeling sad, but you have progressed a ways it seems. Also, you have the solution at your disposal now and that is way better than just not dealing or continuing to sink along with your AH right?
You are entitled to your emotions and can emphatize with you. I like the suggestions you received from the members here. IMO, there is no easy way to deal with this disease. We all have our own tolerance level. And, dealing with alcoholism is too much for most of us. We have good days and crazy days. It is a roller coaster lifestyle. We learn to cope with the tools of Alanon and the support of other members and sponsor. Not easy. Just one day a time. Keep posting and venting. More importanly, keep coming back.
Thanks everyone! As usual, your esh is greatly appreciated and helped me tremendously. I get so much from each of your posts. They give me courage and help me "reset". Have a lovely day!
As far as the self pity stuff, I think everyone goes there from time to time the difference is how long I stay there and how the pity pot doesn't feel ok to me anymore. The fact you have that awareness is really great. Step 1 can be started at any time of the day over and over. Some days are easier than others, that's ok, I am starting to understand that life doesn't go smoothly or without bumps for anyone it's how one handles the bumps that makes the difference.
Hugs, it does get better just keep coming back, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
