PLEASE READ! NEW MEMBER INTRODUCTION - Al-Anon Family Group

KARMA · Newbie

PLEASE READ! NEW MEMBER INTRODUCTION

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Karma and welcome,

glad you found this site you are no longer alone.

I here in your share a lot of self blame one of the things we say in al anon is the 3 Cs You did not cause it, you can not cure or control it. Alcoholism is a disease, a family disease I personal do believe that it is past down from generation to generation. Therefore if your some had some form of hereditor disease you would not that the blame and you should not for his drinkig it is not becuse of how you mothered him. I have been to open AA meeting and alcoholism affects many people from different walks of life who have had good and bad lives. In society some people do drink when going through a bad time then stop alcoholism is different. Al;coholics as you say can not stop once they start and continue to do no matter what the consequences.

As I mentioned a;lcoholism is a family illness and it impacts everyone around the drinker we become unwell trying to fix something we can not fix, blaming ourselves is definately an al anon traite. I can not tell you in one share what al anon has done for me. But is has totally transformed my life I can smile again today. People here have expereinced similar situations and do not judge they will not tell you what you should do, but they will share their Experience , strength and hope tellig you how they have found strategies that help.

keep coming back, take care

hugs tracy xxx

KARMA · Newbie

Thank you so much for your reply, Tracy. Nice "meeting" you! You are right. I do blame myself partially for my son's drinking. I often think I didn't do enough when he was younger. Around the same time I was divorced, his favorite cousin who he looked up to, died in a car accident. My son at that point, built a wall around himself and has not been able to get close to anyone since then. It's very sad. That same time period brought another tragedy. He and his best friend were experimenting with exploding things like hairspray cans, etc. (boy stuff encouraged by Bevis and Butthead). His friend got severely burned and they both got arrested for reckless endangerment. He blamed himself for his friend's injuries and to this day, still has a hard time forgiving himself. That incident sent him further inside himself. Other things in his life seemed to make him go deeper in. I did take him to counseling, but he wouldn't talk much. I can't remember exactly why we quit the counseling, but we did, and I think it was too soon. He had a rough and lonely high school experience but somehow made it to college and did very well. He seemed better for awhile, but lately he seems really depressed and lonely. It's like he's stuck inside himself and only alcohol can bring himself out. It's very sad. Tonight after my first post, I did some research on adult wilderness camps. They're very expensive, but I'm considering paying for half of it for him. The one I found has built in group and individual counseling for people with addictions, etc. I think it woud be perfect, since he loves hiking and the outdoors in general. I sent him the link. I'll let you know what he says. Knowing him, he'll either ignore my email or send back a one-word answer like "maybe" or something. Well, time for bed. It's after 3:00 am. Thanks for caring!

Kay

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Karma,

Welcome to MIP. I am so glad you are here as well. I hope you will continue to stick around and read for awhile so that you can get to know us better.

I do not have personal experience with a child who struggles with the disease but I have many family members who are active. Alanon has been a tremendous support for me over the years. If you have not been, it is suggested that you attend 6 or more meetings before making a decision as to whether or not alanon is right for you. I think you will find members there who understand your problems as few others could.

So please keep coming back and posting. I think you will find it will help lighten your load.

In support,

Tommye

danni · Senior Member

Welcome Karma! This must be heartbreaking for you, and my heart really goes out to you. My husband's drinking brought me to Al Anon, and the meetings, the literature, and more recently this board have really helped me. I suggest you learn as much about alcoholism as you can, and have you looked into any face to face al anon meetings in your area? The meetings have been life changing for me, and I have met many parents of alcoholics there who may be able to offer you support and understanding. I am so glad you found us here. You are not alone. Sending you lots of love and support today!

never going back · Senior Member

Hello (((Karma))) and welcome!
I don't know how much advice I can give you, but I, too have an alcoholic son (26 yrs old) and an AH, as well as many A family members on my husband's side of the family. So, if nothing else, I can offer you empathy!
I guess, as parents, we always feel responsibility for our kids. I also had many regrets about the things I should have done ( or shouldn't have done) for my son in the past. I've finally come to realize that it's no different from my husband's situation, or any other A's, for that matter. They will drink-or not- in spite of and regardless of anything I do. I've found that it is much more difficult to deal with my son's problem than with my husband's. I chose to be with my AH and I can choose to be without him. That doesn't hold true with my son- he is, and always will be, my son. Also, as mothers, we feel responsible for our kid's actions and choices, that's just part of being a mom. And it's SO hard to see them hurting.
All I can tell you that learning to live the al-anon principles has saved me. Face to face meetings, books, and this website have given me the tools I need to help ME, and to make me realize that by doing that, I am helping the A's in my life, too. My husband is now on AA, and, at the moment, I think my son is, too. He lives 600 miles away, so I'm never sure. But I've finally learned to 'Let go and let God'----most of the time, anyway! And I'm finally beginning to find a measure of peace inside myself that can't be taken away by the choices my A's make. I hope and pray that you can find that peace, too.

Please keep coming back, and take care of yourself- YOU are worth it!

Denise

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi there and welcome Karma. No, he is not a lost cause. I have been sober for 3 years and can tell you that the background story I hear from most sober males is similar to that of your son. Alcoholism is highly genetic and even more so from fathers to sons (due to the combined socialization of males to not show feelings and to gravitate towards substances). Anyhow, I had all those things going for me that you state your son has too. I always worked hard, never got fired, I had 2 masters degrees....YET - I would start drinking right when I got off work. I would drink WHILE driving home. I would have dry heaves every morning. Often I would pass out and wake up on the floor of my condo not knowing what the hell happened...I was a staggering sloppy drunk....And I had just wrecked my car drunk right before getting into recovery.

So...what can you take from my experience? Well, I was 36 when I came into AA (am 39 now) and it took me coming so close to winding up in jail...I was about to lose my job...I threatened suicide while plastered drunk many times and had the pills in my hand on several occasions while screaming like a lunatic.... I went through a phase where I knew I was an alcoholic even and railed so hard against having to go to AA. I called the AA hotline even to try and find out if I could get sober without going to meetings....while still living with another alcoholic... Finally, it got so bad and there was no diputing my life was spinning out of control and I was going to be on the street, in jail, in the loony bin, or dead if I didn't go to AA and get sober.

Like I said, I was 36 when that happened for me. I consider my bottom to be middle of the road to high compared with others I hear from (who were hard headed enough to need multiple rehab stints). I also found that I was about average as far as my age when I came into the rooms. I felt like I was old and about to die. Now I feel young and know I have my whole life in front of me. I have not drank since my first AA meeting. I never want to go back to that awful empty spot. When you described what you son was doing on Thanksgiving and how he currently acts....It gave me chills. That was me. I was a prisoner in my own apartment, in my own self pity, in my toxic relationship, and I dealt with it in the same exact way your son is. That way of dealing with depression, anger, sadness, shame....it kind of works for a while, then it doesn't work so well, then it becomes your enemy. Your son sounds close to the point I got to and I pray he doesn't sink lower.

I am not sure what to tell you as far as what YOU can do other than tell him "When you are ready, Recovery is there for you and I will support your recovery in the best ways I know how." I do not suggest completely ignoring the problem of his drinking. But he is grown so other than an occassional comment about "Your drinking is a huge problem from an outsiders perspective," I wouldn't suggest persuasion or any other attempts at fixing or controlling. When I was really ready to go into recovery, all it took was 1 good friend telling me "Mark, I am scared for you now. You need to go to AA." Prior to that, you could have screamed that to me all day and I wouldn't have cared.

Of course you will get more experience and wisdom with regard to Alanon from others here. The alanon portion is totally and completely for YOU and you only. It is to help free you from the prison that his alcoholism creates for you. It is to help you deal with the damage of alcholism upon your life and it sounds like there have been multiple qualifiers in your life aside from your son. Alanon will help you be the most grounded person you can be so that you can live the best life you are able without alcholism robbing you of more joy and serenity than it already has.

In support,

Mark

**I reread your response to Tracy. Your son sounds even more like I was now cuz alcoholism turned me from an extrovert into an introvert. Alcholism will rob you of all your friends until it is literally just you and the bottle walled up inside a self-imposed prison. The wilderness camp thing...It does not matter if you think he will like it...if you think it is "perfect" for him. All that you need to know is "Are you ready for help?" Until that point, any intervention is futile and a waste of your time and money. I cannot describe exactly what went off in me when I was ready, but I was simply done and willing to do whatever it took to get sober. You will know when your son is at that point (hopefully - and there's nothing you can do to get him there). Sometimes the suggestion coming from parents is not good cuz I was such a miserable self-loathing person and had so many issues related to being a grown ass baby (and I knew it) that my parents saying I should go to some wilderness camp would have made me angry and think "Great. My mom thinks I'm a total loser that needs to go to some camp for other crazy losers." AA is an intervention that any smart person knows is there. He does not need anything more tailored or any "hook" to recovery more than that. He just needs to be ready for it like I said. The suggestion will or will not come from the right person at the right time or he may decide on his own.

-- Edited by pinkchip on Friday 25th of November 2011 11:43:00 AM

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi and welcome to MIP. You already received great ESH here and I just want to say Al-anon meetings have helped me so much, I hope you are able to find some in your area. I am sending you love and support on your journey!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

great book,"Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. volume one. Its ez to read and it will answer almost everything.

Please keep coming. I am sad about your son! Believe me Al Anon will help you more than you realize. We really care.

First thing to do is take care of you. We cannot help the A with anything except help ourselves and not allow his disease to tear us down. He would feel even more guilt about that believe me.

Believe me also he does not drink for any reason except he has a horrible disease. Its totally up to him to get help. If he ever asks you its up to you to ask him if he has ever thought about AA. But its up to him to get himself there.

I never talked about serious things when with an A who is using. They lie, don't know what they are saying.

hugs, please come back! debilyn

KARMA · Newbie

I don't have time to write much now, but I want you all to know how much you've helped already. I saw my son on Saturday at our family party and he seemed completely normal. He was in good spirits. He drank a little, and didn't get drunk. I told him I wished he wouldn't drink at all and that I was concerned about his Thanksgiving drinking. He explained why he drank on Thanksgiving. He said it wasn't because he was depressed, that he did it because he and some friends were hanging out and then they went to watch a road race where everyone was drinking. He was actually supposed to run that race, but he broke a finger recently and was afraid to injure it again while running, so he decided not to. He said he started with screwdrivers and then changed to beer. That's why he got so drunk. He thinks he can convince me, but he doesn't, because he doesn't remember what he says when he's drunk. Unfortunately, that's usually when all his true feelings pour out of him. I wish he would just realize how serious his drinking problem has become and go to an AA meeting or counseling before it's too late. I'm so afraid he'll hurt himself while drunk. That is my main concern. The only good thing is that he doesn't drink much or at all during the week. He usually only drinks on weekends. His father was the same way and also blacked out like my son does. That is so scary to me, to not remember what one does while under the influence of alcohol. Anything is possible. Even killing oneself. So scary, when I know my son owns a gun. If it wasn't for that, I think this would all be a lot easier. I have looked at the Al-Anon meeting schedule for my area. Unfortunately, not many fit my schedule. But I am considering trying to get to one soon. You are all great, but I do think meeting others face-to-face would help also. I will let you know if I go. Thank you all again. I will be back soon.

Kay

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.