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On another MIP board there was a question asking how and when does someone forgive themselves, for sometimes that is a struggle for us. I was asked by another double winner to place my reply to that question on this board because they felt more people needed to read it... so here it is.
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I am usually very quick to grab the BB and the 12x12 and pull from them, however in this case I want to simply speak from the heart.
When I recovered from the shame associated with my history, self forgiveness was a part of that package. Guilt is from feeling bad about what I did, shame is from feeling bad about who and what I am. I still have a bit of lingering guilt but the shame has been washed out. I am no longer a piece of unsalvagable crap. I am a child of a loving God, who out of pure mercy and grace bestowed on me an entrustment He has denied many mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, husbands and wifes, doctors and therapist... the ability to reach the often unreachable... the suffering alcoholic. My history is a blessing, not something that needs to be forgiven, it is a very vital part of my life that allows me to be who and what I am today. The BB says, "Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake". I believe that, for if my history wasn't exactly what it was, my life would not be exactly what it is today.
When I recognize God's love for me, when I embrace it, I am forgiving. I am letting go... I am free from the bondage of self that held me capitive for 20 years.. self based in shame and self loathing.
As I have said, I refrain from calling myself a Christian, but if perhaps I was made in God's image, which I believe to be the true essence of Love, and I believe He has taken residence within... and I call myself an idiot... who have I just called an idiot? If I'm the off spring of such a loving and powerful God, and this is what I am claiming as my inheritance, shame, self loathing.... I might as well grap Him by the collar and smack the crap out of Him...
When I accept and acknowledge His forgiveness, I forsake any right to withhold it from myself. I take ownership of that forgiveness and the shame melts and I simply have to say "thank you for loving me, as a special child of yours that you place such trust in"...
I may have done and will do a few idiotodic things, but I'm not an idiot.. God didn't create idiots... He didn't created pieces of crap, or junk with manufacture defeats...
He created me and blew the breath of love in me so I could have it and share it with someone else.
He allowed me to go through the trials and tribulations of alcoholism, pulled me out of it victorously, and now utilizes it for His desire...
And I'm going to hold on to what He never gave to me... shame?
I let it go, and trust He knows my real heart, my spirit, my soul... and he found it to be salvagable... and so should I.
Either we have experienced a spiritual rebirth, been reborn as spoken of in the BB or we haven't. When we are.. there is nothing left to forgive, but simply allow it to be used as a gift from God to reach those that many have tried and failed... because He designed us to do so, and credit Him with the glory of it.
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
First of all, thank you for passing that on. I dont have time to check the other boards so I would have missed the blessing of this post .
The only way I know how to alleviate that pain is to work the steps with my sponsor and do an inventory with her. I have had a few experiences with self forgiveness from pains of the past. Often it is when I can look back on them and see no matter how far down the scale I have gone, my experience can benefit others. When I can see the sum total of my experiences bad and good is the greatest gift I have to share, I no longer am ashamed but have found a peace within with what I did. That to me is recovery.
I dont think I could have found that comfort or peace trying to do it alone. I had to share it with someone else to get the sick secrets out. Because warts and all, my sponsor accepted and loved me just as I was. That is when I first felt free and forgiven by another human being.
I dont think I could have found that comfort or peace trying to do it alone. I had to share it with someone else to get the sick secrets out. Because warts and all, my sponsor accepted and loved me just as I was. That is when I first felt free and forgiven by another human being.
This part of your post made me realize how much my former psychologist helped me. Even after hanging out all my dirty laundry in his office year after year, he still loved me "warts and all." I thought so highly of him and still do. So it's true, one gets so much more when doing this with a trusted guide.
I asked one person to be my sponsor and she was unable to take on the responsiblity at this time. I look forward to when another trusted person shows up in my life to begin another inventory. This time it will be an Al-Anon member.
John - I especially like this part of your post:
As I have said, I refrain from calling myself a Christian, but if perhaps I was made in God's image, which I believe to be the true essence of Love, and I believe He has taken residence within... and I call myself an idiot... who have I just called an idiot? If I'm the off spring of such a loving and powerful God, and this is what I am claiming as my inheritance, shame, self loathing.... I might as well grap Him by the collar and smack the crap out of Him...
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
