The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I want to say welcome to the newbies. I wish I could write individual welcomes to everyone. Please do know you are so welcome and I appreciate learning from everyone here!
Wow, the holidays are a crazy time. This is my first set of holidays after beginning Alanon. I am no longer with my qualifier and hope to get through this set of holidays without getting back together (kind of a joke). Last year we had broken up and then got back together at the holidays. I remember a huge, giant fight on Christmas Eve. This year, I know better.
Anyway, so here's the thing I am irritated about. My on-again-off-again-and-nowfinally-off BF was not a periodic binge drinker. He was a constant everyday drinker and he had his favorite bar where he goes nearly every night. I feel like that bar is the "other woman" - do others have that same situation? I actually still feel jealous of and angry with the bar (I know it's ridiculous). Now I avoid it, especially when I know that he will be there. I don't want to see him or talk to him. We need a clean break and I want to give both of us a chance to heal.
My friends know that I want to avoid it because they know he's there. I also don't want my social life structured around drinking. I feel like they pressure me to "just get over it" and not let it bother me. And I feel like they still choose to go there, knowing that I won't want to come, rather than choose somewhere else to go where I might be able to come along. Both of those things make me feel misunderstood and unappreciated, not very important. So these friends are over there again tonight. That damn bar, a black hole sucking in my boyfriend and my friends!
I've accepted the role of alcohol in my exBF's life and the demise of our relationship. I'm still struggling to understand and accept the role that alcohol is apparently playing in some of my other friendships. I wish they would understand why it's hard for me, why I don't want to go there, and that they could choose another place to go so that I would feel comfortable and could join them. I know that it's hard for people to understand who have not been in a relationship with an addict, what that's like and how hard it is to let go. This irritation is something kind of minor in the scheme of things and compared to what others here are wrestling with, but I guess it's probably a symptom of what's been wrong with my life and how I take care of myself... and if I don't change that, I'll just keep getting more of the same and that's had some really crappy results.
Maybe the lesson is that those are choices for them to make for themselves. I can look at how I feel about the situation and then choose how I want to react. I would like to have friendships where I feel understood, appreciated and valued. I need to give myself permission not to go to that bar. I don't want to go there and I have good reasons and I don't have to go there. It doesn't matter what those "friends" think. That's their business. I can also choose to focus on taking care of myself and if they want to continue to socialize at that bar, I can find other people to hang out with and other things to do. I have alcoholism and codependency in my family and I need to avoid both alcohol and alcoholics myself. I need to do that to take care of me right now and that's what I'm going to do.
Thanks for reading if you got all the way through that. I feel better and am thankful to have this place as a sounding board/journal/dear abby column/e-support group. Just writing it out here helped me reach a solution and I pray that my higher power will help me let go of the irritation and hurt and then move on wiser and stronger than before!
Wishing you all a good Thanksgiving! What a day for gratitude lists!
I am all too familiar with what you're going through. My situation was even trickier- my AH owned the bar and grill (which I not-so-fondly called "the mistress"). So not only was it originally our social hangout at the beginning, it eventually became his workplace and the place he preferred to spend his days and nights over being at home with his family. Eventually, the "mistress" won him over and he choose "her" (the bar) over our family and our marriage. He ended up losing the business four months ago, but now he still works there as a glorified janitor. I tell my friends that it's as if the mistress now has a new guy, but my AH still wants to be with her.
Some of our friends keep asking me if I want to go there with them to see what the new owner has done to renovate the place. I can't believe that they would even suggest such a thing. It would be like me going to see how the mistress looks now that she has a new boyfriend AND my AH.
Thank God for Alanon. Without my meetings, my sponsor, this board, and my Alanon literature, I would be in such a bad place in my life right now. I still keep holding out hope that my AH will come around, but as the months pass since I left him, nothing has changed. And when nothing changes, nothing changes. I'm glad that we can all support each other as we go through similar challenges in our lives with the alcoholics in our lives.
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Thursday 24th of November 2011 01:55:38 AM
Thank you Green Eyes! I sooo understand what you are saying! That story does sound like "the mistress" got a new boyfriend and wants to keep your AH, and it is baffling that friends would think you'd want to see the place. It's like saying hey, the mistress got this awesome boob job, do you want to come see it? No! For me, it does feel like my BF made a choice and preferred the bar to being with me. I'm sure he was there tonight. Thanks to Alanon, I know that it's not that simple and I keep trying not to take it personally. I guess I just wish my friends didn't also seem to prefer this bar to being with me. I guess it's like the other woman got my BF and now she wants to throw a party with all my friends invited. It's not a party I want to attend and I wish they didn't seem to like her so much!
Thanks for your note. Wishing you well on your journey :) Doozy
My AH is probably there as I write this. He was supposed to meet up with me before tomorrow to give me a gift he said he had for our grandson for me to take with me when I fly out tomorrow morning to see our daughters and our grandson. He never called- guess the mistress was more important to him...again. Sorry to be so bitter, but this is my first Thanksgiving away from him and it's been tougher than ever could have imagined. I know I'll feel better once I'm reunited with my family. Wishing you well on your journey, too.
I loved the line about the board being similar to a Dear Abby column. I find I too get some relief when I am able to get problems off my chest and express them on the board. It is a great place.
Most of all, I wanted to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving as well. May you day be filled with gratitude and love.
I'm so glad you are here. Those type of "friends" are exactly why I find Al Anon so valuable. In the insane world surrounding the alcoholic, we have a place that is healthy, loving, and understanding to help deal with all the surrounding issues and the enablers that I wish I could banish from my husband's life. I, too, have feelings when I pass the bars...I try to remember that even if I were a super hero and could wipe out every happy hour on the planet, if my AH wanted to drink, he would find a way...I am powerless and I remove myself from the equation so I don't have to compete with his mistress, the alcohol. Have a great Thanksgiving and take care!
Doozy - I struggle with wanting others to "just understand" things the way I want them too so much... That is one of the chief reasons I keep coming back to this board. I guess, ideally it would be great if we could get to the point of not caring whether they understand or not and just being like "Who gives a crap? I don't like the bar....Period." and then not give it a second thought. As far as alcohol and others' drinking is concerned...I'm okay with that now. I have much more problems when I see people who are acting selfish, greedy, people who don't listen, people who don't compromise, people who don't care about others feelings....I have such a hard time with that and want them to "just understand" how they are wrong.
Unfortunately, I will never get others to "understand" things they way I want. They are going to go on doing their thing cuz me and my thoughts are not the first thing on those folks' minds. I typically do the best with accepting I am powerless over other people when I make myself very busy and fill my own life with lots of activities that are challenging and enjoyable. That way I don't have as much time for focusing on others and wishing them to be different...I am too busy doing my own thing which may be reading, working on my physical fitness, working my own program... Nonetheless, it's still my nature to fall into the same trap of "Why can't (insert whoever) just understand that (blah blah blah)!"
So...with the friends that still like to go to the bar all the time...I'm guessing that is the context of how you know some of them. It's something they have always done and it's not going to change because that's just what they do. The probably are not even thinking it's about you negatively at all. They are just wishing their friend would not have problems with their ex so that their friend (you) would be able to come with them to the old hangout... You changed...not them. For now, it would be good to make friends that are not barflys and to build up enjoyment of activities to do on your own. Change your lifestyle to go different places and to do different things and then you will meet new people doing those same things.
In the meanwhile it leaves you a bit lonely and sad, but it's change and growing is painful at times.
Green Eyes, I'm sorry to hear about your night and disappointment. I hope you can rely on Alanon principles and your higher power to find strength to enjoy this holiday despite what your AH chooses to do. I hope you enjoy your visit with your daughters and grandson.
Pinkchip, you are completely right! These friends didn't change - I did. I think the tough part is that sadness as I make these big, positive changes in my life. This must be something like what A's have to go through when they give up drinking and separate from drinking friends. It can be a big loss. And that's kind of what I'm going through.
Today I will continue to concentrate on accepting the things I cannot change and gratitude!!!
Doozy ~ I had marriage counseling with my exAH and the counselor actually called the alcohol an affair. It took me awhile in Al-anon to not take it so personally. Now I don't drink, because I have had enough alcohol in my life for the time being. I stopped hanging out with my drinking friends and made new ones, because I didn't want to be around the alcohol any longer. I mourned the loss of my exAH and my old drinking friends. Soon enough I Let Go and handed them all to my HP one at a time and have made new healthier friends. A lot of changes and growth happen with Al-anon all towards health. I stilll have 1 drinking buddy from years ago that attends my bible study and I accept her right where she is, but I no longer go out with her. I have set boundaries with her not to tell me about my exAH out at the bar too. Change takes time and it's a process. Go easy on yourself, it sounds like big growth is happening and your awareness is great. Keep up the good work. I am sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I can relate. I see his pipe as his first love at time... Pinkchip said that was not a healthy way to look at it. I try not to think of it that way anymore. I feel I have lost some of my jealousy over the pipe especially when I know he wants the pipe and doens't have one when he is with me. I feel more validated and listened to. He choses the pipe 5 or 6 days a week now.
When I started here he was only choosing her a few times a week, maybe two or three. It has gotten so much more frequent since I came here, but somehow, it has gotten better for me.
I stopped treating like love affair that took him away from me, and thought of it as one that compliments his life. I can't really explain it but I do understand what you mean.
You can't help but take it too personally when you look at them being "in love" with alcohol, pot, the bar, whatever... It's addiction - it's easier to detach when you stick to the facts. A "love affair" will always have you in competition with their substance of choice. It doesn't have to be a competition all the time. Just my opinion though...
I think that's true. It does seem easier to detach when I stick to the facts. The problem is all of those darn FEELINGS! :) It can FEEL like the addict is "in love" with their substance(s) of choice. It can feel like the addiction is like an affair. It can feel like a competition. I think it's okay to have those feelings. I definitely have had those feelings. It's been really hard. Luckily I know that feelings aren't facts (yay!) and I need to keep working my program. I'm new to all this and maybe I'm just talking a bunch of nonsense, but I just wanted to put this back out there that these are feelings that many of us have sometimes. Along the same lines, I think it's perfectly okay and normal to feel angry about these situations. Sure it's a disease, but it's still okay to feel angry. I feel angry when my dad doesn't take care of his diabetes. I want him to live as long and as well as possible! I felt angry when my high school friend got cancer. It's not fair for her to have cancer so young! It's okay to feel these things and we don't have to let the feelings define us or determine our reality. It's what we do with the feelings that's makes the difference. If I can get refocused on the facts, quit taking it personally, and work all those principles, slogans, steps, etc. I know I feel better, just like I feel better reaching out here. Wrapping up a lovely Thanksgiving, still grateful.
