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shellyj123


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 I had no idea that I could ever feel this lost and empty and still go on.  When my mom passed away last week, she left a hole in my life that no matter what I can not begin to fill.  She was my best friend and my inspiration. 

I'm lost without her.  I had certain times, morning and night that I would call her....Certain days of the week/month that certain things had to be done and I feel a huge emptiness where she once was.  I can't seem to shake this overwelming sadness. 

My mom was more than a mother....she was the only father I've ever known.  She could bake a cake from scratch and rewire the outlets in the house.  She could sew a new outfit for my barbie doll before I got home from school, and change the oil in the car.  She was amazing in sooooo many ways. 

I spent her final hours with her, talking to her, and holding her hand.  I know in my heart she knew I was there.  I buried her last weekend, next to a grandmother I've never known.  I think she'd be happy there.

The tears come out of the blue, building up over and over again.  I have no idea when they'll fall, they just do....constantly.  I'm trying to be strong for my son, but even he sees through it. He's buried his grief deep this time, and I am so worried about him.

I miss her soooo much.  I call her house and listen to her voice on the machine.  I go to sleep praying this is all a bad dream and I'll wake up and it'll all be a big mistake.  I avoid friends calls beause I just want to be alone, to mourn by myself. I can still feel her hand in mine, I can see her smile as she taught my son an onery limeric that her father, taught her. 

I am taking it one minute at a time right now.  I am trying to fake it til I make it, but the pain is more than I can bear at times, an emptyness that nothing can fill.  If one more person tells me she is at peace now and pain free I think I will explode.

I held her hand while she was dying. I talked to her, hoping she could hear me....I listened as she took each breath, praying there would be another....relie coming with every one.

I just feel lost, so very lost.  I don't know which way to turn or how to fill the emptiness she left behind.  She was a good woman, a strong woman....

and I'm trying to be now.

one minute at a time....

shelly



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If nothing ever changes, nothing ever changes.
hotrod


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((((Shelley)))
 
I am so sorry for your loss and the difficult pain you are experiencing. Your mom sounds like a remarkably strong, caring, intelligent women. I know she felt the love and admiration that you held her in. Hearing about the woman that she was, I feel that she was extremely proud of you.and the love you shared.
 
 
Grieving is a difficult process and sharing the pain is crucial. Take good care of yourself, try to rest, keep coming here and sharing.
 
The great pain of loss will lessen in time and the beautiful memories and experiences will be there and bring a smile. Bittersweet is how I explain the feelings that surface when I recall my loved ones.
 
 
In my thoughts and prayers.


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Betty

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Jerry F


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(((((Shelly)))))...I am sooo sad with you.  She was very inspirational and now she has left herself in you.  Don't let her out of your mind and heart and first chance you get celebrate that she was in your life from the start.

Cry and Celebrate.   smile



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Debilyn


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hon you are sharing about my mother too. Even the barbie cloths. gma knitted mine the most beautiful anglora sweaters!

Its been 11 years and I still feel the drive to go see her on sundays. I want to hear her laugh and tell me who she is cooking for now. She was a meat wrapper and fed about everyone in the store.

You just have to let it out honey. Nap, take care of your primary survival needs. You can do it. ,I too held my mother, and told her its ok mother you can let go, I will see you again.

She was who I told everything to.I know what you have lost. No one can ever fill that space. In time it will be somewhat easier. But these people we are so much a part of and they us, its like losing your arm. You learn how to do it without it, but its never the same. I am talking about me and so many who have shared with me.

I think its harder as we get older, because we really see that all that matters is love.

hugs honey, debilyn



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Pushka


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Hugs Shelly,

I am so sorry for your loss. Sending lots of hugs and love, P

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ythannah


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(((hugs))) I'm so sorry for your loss, Shelly.

I'm sure you know this, but the pain will slowly ease over time.  You WILL get through this.



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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
nal


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((Shelly)),

I am so sorry for your loss.

 

Nancy



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nal
pinkchip


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Shelly - You just gave a wonderful testimony about what a mother can be. You can begin to heal from this and you just did by writing your feelings here. It's a huge loss and I do not see anything unusual, wrong, or bad about how you are handling this. You have to progress through stages of grief like anyone who is dealing with such a devastating loss. You may feel empty...but you are not... You just wrote something very tender and sentimental...that comes from a grieving and sad person, not an empty one.

My sympathies for you and your family.

Mark

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oldgraduate


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Shelly - so sorry for your loss. It sounds like your mom was wonderful and you were a wonderful devoted daughter. I lost my dad 20 years ago. The grieving process was very hard, I would cry at the drop of a hat. I looked for signs of him in everything and wished we had been able to have more time. But I too had the privelege of hugging him and telling him it was okay to let go. And that truly is a blessing. Take care of you now and don't worry about how often and where you cry. It's good for you. But I would also suggest you honor your mom in any way you feel would be appropriate. Whether it be donating some of her things, or giving to a charity in her honor, or just telling her story to all your friends who will listen. That will make you feel better too. My mom currently has alzheimer's and although I haven't lost her in body, I have in spirit. And she and I were very close too. It is truly a blessing to have a parent who we can love so much that we feel empty when they are gone. So just know that it takes time and what you are going through is totally normal. And remember that she would want you to live in her honor and memory.

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OG
never going back


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((((shelly)))
My thoughts and prayers are with you. I lost my dad 33 years ago, my mom last summer. The pain from both was terrible, and I miss them both to this day. I was also with my mom when she died, and I believe she knew it, and took comfort in it. My dad died suddenly, and I didn't have that kind of closure with his passing.
What a wonderful testimonial you gave, she sounds like a very special person, the kind of mom we should all strive to be. It also sounds like she gave you the tools you'll need to carry on. We can only hope that we are loved and missed as much as your mom was and is. If so, we've done our job here correctly!
So sorry for your loss, I'll be thinking of you and praying for your peace and healing.

Denise

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Breakingfree


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Your Mom sounds like a very inspirational person. She carries on in you and it will take time to grieve for her, give yourself time and take care of yourself gently at this time. I used to cry myself to sleep a lot when my Dad first passed. It took me time, but now I celebrate my Dad and feel so blessed I had him for the 24 years I had with him, he passed on some great qualities in me and I am grateful for that. I now tell my kids funny Grandpa stories and we all laugh, it is my way of letting them know him. He died 9 years ago last month and I never thought the day would come when I celebrated instead of mourned him that day. This to shall pass, like you said just take things slowly at this time. I am sending you and your son thoughts and prayers at this time. I am also sending you love and support on your journey!

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rara avis


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Sending you lots of love and support Shellyj. What a tough time. xo

rara avis

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stopandchat


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Hugs to you Shelly.

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. Sending peace and strength your way.

Tara



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rosielee


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i am sorry for your loss. but you are so lucky to have those happy memories and that love you have is still there but in a different way xxxxxx

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rosie
danni


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I am so sorry for your loss. Your description of your mother is beautiful and inspiring. I am really thinking about you today, and I am so glad you are here. Lots of love and support coming your way.

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John


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Dearest Shelly - I know exactly what you are feeling.  I was blessed with reuniting with my family after a 20 year absince.  My father became my best friend, my running buddy, and like you we would talk on the phone at a certain time each day and do things together throughout the week.

When he was passing away, I was holding his hand, and his eyes opened, he looked at me and then our hands, and said, "ya know Johnny, you probably don't think I listened too much when you spoke of things you learned in AA and Al-Anon, but I did. One thing that stuck with me was, "Let Go and Let God".  He looked at our hands as he said this.... and I realized he was asking me to release him.  Let go... Let God....

I walked out of that hospital with my dads personal belongings, tears running down my face and that void, that emptiness set in...

It took a few weeks before I stopped expecting that phone call, or finding myself driving towards his place and remembering he isn't here any more...

But... I found something else out too... I carry a lot of him in me... the best of him... 

Today I am grateful to have experienced the full package of my dad.

John



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