"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Lily wife · Newbie

husband's lieing about drinking

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, and welcome to MIP.....

Well, if he is an alcoholic, and from what you described, my non-professional opinion is that he likely is - he isn't likely able to "cut down" or control his drinking - not for long..... Regardless of the answer to whether or not he is an alcoholic, it is clear that his drinking IS causing you grief and anxiety.... The good news is that choosing a program of recovery - for YOU - will help you in dealing with this..... Al-Anon meetings, posting on sites like ours, reading great books (Getting THem Sober, volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews) - are all excellent things for you to do for you.

He is either gonna drink (or lie, or be an alcoholic) or not.... what are YOU gonna do?

Choose a program of recovery for you...... you're definitely worth it

Tom

Lily wife · Newbie

Hi! And thank you for your response! I am torn on what to do. He always says "it was one beer" but my thought is- was it really? Maybe today, but what about the other times I didn't "catch you". I just don't understand how he could lie directly to my face and then allow me to walk outside IN the rain and find it. I got on a website a few months ago that had the 4 questions they (AA meetings) ask members to decide whether they are dependent upon alcohol. He answered them all YES. (Which was a bad thing). Our marriage and relationship has literally NO problems. The ONLY problem we ever have is his drinking and how he acts when he's drinking and the problems 1 beer can cause...

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Yeppers... I would strongly encourage you to get a copy of that book mentioned earlier.... it will help explain SO much of this. If he is a "typical active alcoholic" he is no doubt telling you what he thinks you want to hear, in order to maintain some sense of "normal" in his/your lives.... Getting angry about him telling lies isn't all that beneficial to you, as it is pretty common for them to be incapable of even being truthful with themselves, let alone others.....

Take care, and keep coming back

Tom

nyc018 · Senior Member

Hi Lily,
Welcome. I found that, with me, once I had to ask myself whether my husband has a problem, I already knew the answer. It just took me 2 years to finally admit that I have no control over it. And since it's a progressive disease and there were periods of calm at first, I thought maybe he had it under control.

I had a pretty good marriage too until alcoholism took over and destroyed almost everything (I'm now separated). I don't know whether I'll get back with my husband or not, but I do know that I feel a tremendous sense of relief having let go of the urge to control it, which was fruitless. The 3 C's of Alanon are you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. Alanon's principles are about shifting the focus from what the drinker is doing and redirect it to one self. I agree with the suggestions you received from Tom - I also have my copy of "Getting Them Sober" handy near my night-table and it has given me a lot of strength and clarity through some very trying times.

Sending you much support, keep coming back. There is a lot of wisdom and warmth on these boards.
nyc

Lily wife · Newbie

nyc018- I really appreciate your kind words and advice! Sounds like we have/had something in common. He swears he doesn't have a "problem" but I beg to differ. Just like I said before, that's the ONLY issue in our marriage. I've told him, "if that's the ONLY thing making us argue and fight, then why not drop it and be done..." His big thing is- "all my friends can drink during the week", "my friends wives/girlfriends don't mind if they drink", "there's nothing wrong with ONE beer every once in a while" & the famous...."I've been really good with my drinking lately"!

nyc018 · Senior Member

Hi Lily,

I hear you - I tried everything with my husband (begging, yelling, crying, speaking calmly, you name it) before I gave up trying to control it. I kept asking why he couldn't just drop it - why was he doing this needless thing that makes him act crazy? I didn't understand addiction. They call alcoholism baffling, cunning, and powerful. My husband is only now starting to tackle sobriety, and this is after some pretty bad wreckage including being on the verge of alcohol poisoning, losing his job due to his drinking and separating from me and our child. I still keep asking myself "why did he do it?" but that's when I have to go back to Alanon meetings or literature. I know it has nothing to do with me and if he chooses to stay on a program of sobriety it will be because he wants to and works very hard at it. I can only take care of what I do.

There's little that is more frustrating than hoping someone will change and being powerless to do anything about it. With Alanon I learned that while I am not in control of what he does, I can control myself and set boundaries I am comfortable with. There is a lot of freedom that comes with that realization.
Hugs and keep coming back, nyc

danni · Senior Member

Welcome! If your husband's drinking is bothering you, then there is a problem and al anon can help. I am all too familiar with the excuses, broken promises, denials and ups and downs that can make you feel like you're crazy. I became suspicious, paranoid, angry, fearful over my husband's drinking. We have been together 11 years and have 2 small children. It took me a long time to realize there was a problem and for me to feel like I was lost and totally unable to think of what to do. I guess that was my bottem, so I finally walked into my first al anon meeting and never looked back. My husband still drinks, but my crazy making reactions and panic attacks over it have greatly diminished. With the loving support of people at meetings and the al anon literature, my marriage has improved, despite the fact that my husband still drinks. I have learned to take care of myself, and in the process, I am staying out of the way of my husband's drinking, so he can figure it out for himself. Without this, no lasting sobriety would be possible for him, this I really believe. Easy does it. You are not alone, and you will be okay.

danni · Senior Member

I mean "bottom" :)

Lily wife · Newbie

Thank you guys so much for the outreach! I really appreciate it! :) I know things will get better either for me and him or just me! I am going to give some suggestions and if they aren't interesting to him, then I am stepping up and making myself happy! I'm not unhappy, but I don't deserve to be upset! Thanks again to you all!!!!!

never going back · Senior Member

Hi Lily, and welcome!

So glad you found us! This site, along with al-anon meetings, and reading everything I could get my hands on about alcoholism have been the saving grace for me. I hope that proves to be true for you, too. Here you will find a whole lot of folks who know exactly what you're going through-- we've all been there. We're here because we too are trying to find our way, and because we love someone who has a problem with alcohol. At this point, it's causing a big problem for YOU, so, whatever you call it it, it IS a problem. He will try to convince you that its your problem, not his. And as long as you believe that, it will be.

So much of what you wrote struck a very familiar chord with me, I can hear my AH saying, "my friends wives don't mind.....nothing wrong with ONE beer.....I've been doing really good with my drinking lately". It's like they are all reading from the same script!

My AH swore he didn't have a problem.........for 30 years! And what's even odder is that, for a long time, I agreed. Until I began to realize, as you have, that every problem in our marriage came from something he said or did while drinking, or from the lying and sneaking that accompanied it. And that it was making my life miserable. I know many others here are leading happy, peaceful lives living with an active A. My 'bottom line' is that I can't live with my AH if he isn't abstaining and getting some kind of support (he chose AA). Every situation is unique, no one piece of advice is going to fit all.
I would tell you to learn everything you can about alcoholism. My 'bible' has been "Marriage on the Rocks" by Janet Woititz. 'Getting Them Sober' is great, too. Go to al-anon meetings in your area if possible. Post here as often as you need to, and read the posts that others write. You're first step is to understand the problem you're facing. Anything you do toward that end will help. Try to eat well, get as much rest as you cna,get some exercise---- take care of YOU!

And always remember that you are not alone!

Love and hugs from

Denise

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Lily wife, Welcome to this board!

I spent about 26 years of our 36 years of marriage, begging, pleading, lecturing, threathening & at times, flippin' out - it was all needless.

He, too, would have "just ONE drink." He, too, "didn't have a drinking problem." I was a "prude" in his eyes.

I did not think I had a problem. I thought his drinking was the problem and I could fix it.

But I did have a problem: I thought I could control his drinking. I thought I was partly to blame for his excessive drinking. I thought I could cure him. And by gosh, I spend most of our married life on a mission to do just that.

One word sums up my efforts: FUTILE

Little did I know that if I had taken just a 15-minute drive to the nearest Al-Anon meeting, I could have spared us both a lot of grief.

So I'm here to give you a nudge towards a meeting. Give yourself some time to acclimate yourself. Meetings didn't appear to be the solution at first.

But I was mistaken.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

In Al Anon when we start talking about our A and what our A is doing, we say we are taking someone else's inventory. It's their life, they are an adult, they can do whatever they are going to do.

We have choices, we can learn the skills of Al Anon, do our 12 steps, go to meetings come here.

We learn it is a disease, we did not cause it, we cannot control it, we cannot cure it. It it totally our of our hands.

It's none of our business. We want to believe we can do something about it, truth is, we cannot.

There are no suggestions, no offering AA or whatever. It's their decision to drink or not, how much they drink what they drink, it has zero to do with us.

We have choices too. we continue to be miserable arguing, policing their drinking, making ourselves sick.

Or we can learn the skill to focus on our own lives and stop getting into theirs.

Or we can choose not to stick around or have them not stick around.

We have no right to tell someone else what to do.

It's a hard concept, but it is the truth.

Lieing is just part of being an addict. Selfishness, manipulation, and more, are symptoms of the disease.

I am so glad you are here. I hope you keep coming. I also too, recommend the book Tom told you about. Getting Them Sober. Its so full of truths.

I do my best to put myself in others place. How would I like it if I was eating ice cream and then I had more and more. Then the next day had more.. he kept asking me how much I ate, its going to make you sick. why are you doing this....I am very allergic to anything bovine. But I am an adult, I have a right to decide.

anyway I am so glad you came and vented. Thats why we are here! hugs,debilyn

odalis · Veteran Member

Hi Lily and welcome. I just want to say if you are here, then you already know the answer. The suggestions on this board and wonderful, the book Tom suggested has been really helpful to me. My husband also started with one or two beers which I thought were ok, and now it's up to a case of 30 a week. I stopped counting a long time ago, but it's hard to ignore the big box in my kitchen. Everyone is different, but I can tell you what my expereince it we had a great marriage, or so I thought except for the one beer. but as teh disease got worse so did the relationship. Now I am at a point where I do care about myself and I think it drives him crazy, but I am happier whether he likes it or not. If you don't get help now, it will get worse and it will take a toll on the relationship. My AH and I ahve been together for 17 years and I was in denial for a very long time. You've come to the right place. Please help yourself!!!

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Lily,

Welcome to MIP, and Happy Thanksgiving to you. I am glad you have heard from quite a few members sharing their experience, strength and hope.

For me my AH loved ones did not take suggestions too kindly. My feedback on their drinking was not welcomed. It would always create a disturbance within our relationship when I would cast a few helpful tips.

The only thing that worked for me was going to face to face alanon meetings, to see whether or not alanon was something for me. When I started seeing what I could change in my world and attitudes, then took action, it did create positive changes in the relationship.

Today I know there is nothing I can say or do to help someone stop or control their drinking. I keep the focus on the things I can change using the tools of the Alanon program and watching the results unfold in my life.

It is a pleasure to meet you on such a special day. Please keep coming back and sharing. I am so glad you are with us.

In gratitude,

tommye

tired of trying · Veteran Member

This brought up some questions for me-my husband is an alcoholic-had been sober for 15 years (his choice). In the last 4 years he relaspes 1 to 2 x and then becomes sober again when something happens, gets sick or in trouble. Each time the periods of drinking are shorter or more intense-this last time he tried to prevent me from leaving the house-my way of getting away from the situation-I got a protective order-he is now sober-but a dry drunk and going to meetings. My question is this anby good as it wasn't really his choice to stop yet? He's staying sober for now because it is court ordered.I know I did the right thing to protect myself.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"