Holidays with alcohol around - Al-Anon Family Group

oldgraduate · Senior Member

Holidays with alcohol around

Green Eyes · ~*Service Worker*~

Here's a helpful link I found that you can download or click on to listen regarding how to deal with the holidays:

http://al-anonfamilygroups.org/Podcasts/FirstSteps/tag/raging

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs OG,

I just wanted to send you love and support, I don't have personal ESH on this because of my situation at the moment, others do and will.

Hugs P :)

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

That is a truly poweful podcast You are a wise women who accepts the fact that the only behavior we have power over is our own.

I know when I was in that situation i felt tremendous FEAR amd having no tools to deal with fear, I changed that to anger and began the arguments.

Alanon helped me recognize the fear, own it, use the sereniiy prayer, the slogans, Focus on Yourself, One Moment at a Time, I am powerless over people ,places and things and Let Go and Let God.

I repeated these slogans over and over in my head evey time I felt the fear and miracles did happen. I lost the focus on the alcohol, i focused on the conversations, the children the fun and left the alcohol and the reprecussions. When I could I would make a fast call to an alanon member or my sponser and I came thru just fine.

Program works when we work ig.

Happy Thanksgiving

danni · Senior Member

I'm so greatful for your post. I'm having the same fears, and I am getting a lot from the responses. Know that you're not alone! I'll be thinking about you!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

How can one be mad at someone who has a disease? If he had cancer and it made him act this way would you get mad?

right now you are making a self fulfilling prophesy.

We can choose not to get mad. It's none of our business, they are adults and will do as they choose.

I know its very hard. Been there. Al Anon gives us tools not to go there again.

I mean besides we cannot control it, look more at what is making you try? Would you feel you had the right to tell anyone else not to drink? Get mad at them? So what makes us thing just becuz we love someone we are the boss of them?

No is not becuz we have to live with them, cuz we do not! We accept people as is. We have no right to change them. If they agree to boundaries and the consequences fine.

This is where Tom says, so what are you going to do?

hugs! love,debilyn

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I love the ESH you received, especially Debilyn's take. We make choices and it is up to us to change what we can, ourselves. I am sending you love and support on your journey!

GreenerGrass · Senior Member

I can't speak for anyone else, but for me, the reasons I would get mad at my AH is because when he is under the influence of alcohol, he is disrespectful, when someone, especially my partner is rude and disrespects me, it makes me mad. It just does. I also don't want my AH to say or do anything emotionally damaging in front of or to my children, because being around an alcoholic parent is damaging to a child in many ways, I know, I grew up with one. I don't want that for my kids, and that puts my nerves on edge and does make me mad and I just wish he would be a father who didn't have a problem with alcohol. Having a relationship with an A is not black and white to me, its complicated. Sometimes we stay because of finances, sometimes we don't want to turn the kids worlds upside down, sometimes we just think if we hold on a little longer things will improve, sometimes it is for religious reasons. It may be a lot of things. I don't think it can be compared to cancer really because people with cancer don't drain your finances, or talk beligerantly to you or become violent or hurt themselves, or treat you like crap. The A is suffering from an addiction, yes, I'm still not fully there in beleiving its a disease.

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

I relate to this. I was in that place 3 years ago at the holidays. I spent Thanksgiving and Christmas following my husband around to make sure he didn't "partake" of any holiday spirits.

Today, I realize that it just simply isn't my decision whether or not he drinks. He is an adult and he can make his own decisions, whether or not I agree with them. If I don't like his decisions, I can make my own decisions to do something different ... like, not follow him around, not check up, and get busy enjoying my holiday free from the responsibility of babysitting an adult that I logically know is going to do whatever he wants regardless of what lengths I go to. It's hard ... but for me, when I got busy living my own life, I got better. The more I focused on him, what he was going to do, what I was going to do in response, checked up, and obsessed, the harder the whole situation got. When I let go, I was free.

oldgraduate · Senior Member

Wow - thank you all for such good responses and help. Makes me almost cry to know there are others who feel my pain, have been there and successfully come out on the other end. I see the tension and stress growing already in my AH. He puts too much on himself with preparing the entire meal from scratch and then he lashes out when anything gets in the way of how he perceives it should go. All I can do is try to relieve some of his stress by helping where I can. I can relate to hotrods post, the anger I feel is out of fear. I need to work the slogans and focus on me. If that means leaving the room for a while and reading, no one would probably even notice. I chose this holiday season to be responsible for MY Behavior and no one elses. As Debilyn said, he is an adult and I can't control his behavior and yes, I do have choices as to whether to stay or go. But, I also can relate to GreenerGrass' comments and when your loved one's treatment of you changes with the alcohol, I think you have the right to make demands on them when they are around you. So, theres a balance here to be taken from all your posts and I will definitely be remembering them as I focus on me and where I am letting my mind and behavior go this holiday season. Thanks so much - blessings to all of you on Thanksgiving.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Much as I love me some Debilyn, the cancer argument will never work for me. Anger is pretty futile most of the time - Though you can hold someone responsible and accountable who has alcoholism. This is because Alcoholism is not like cancer and it is more like diabetes in that it is a chronic illness for which there is treatment that can keep it in remission.

The big book states alcoholics are basically allergic to alcohol but have a compulsion to drink it. That is pretty similar to most diabetics who have inability to process sugar correctly but are compulsed to eat it (usually too much). It would miff me if my diabetic partner chose to not take insulin and eat twinkies all day knowing what would happen.

No - An alcoholics decision to drink does not have to be taken personally. It does not have to ruin ones holiday, ones day, or one's life. When you understand it is a disease, that helps to process the 3 C's (cannot cause, control, cure it). But thinking of it as a disease like cancer does take away some basic truisms which is that the Alcoholic can do things to control it (not will power but seeking the help that AA offers).

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.