"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

Spinning

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Jackie,

I am so sorry you aren't feeling well at the moment that sure doesn't help. It sounds like you did the best you could in the moment and that is all you can do. Get to feeling better and I hope you make your meeting tonight. Be sure you keep taking care of yourself.

Hugs P :)

amills4294 · Senior Member

Jackie - thank you for sharing. I hope you physically feel better soon...that always makes things more difficult when your body is not at least feeling ok. At least for me. Keep posting, keep reading and going to meetings. I made myself go to a meeting last night that I really didn't want to go to. It was a sad meeting but it was good for me to be there and just be around other people. I tend to isolate myself way too much during difficult times.

danni · Senior Member

I hope you're feeling better! I know when I feel like my AH starts picking on me and complaining about not feeling appreciated and like he has no time for himself (sound familiar?), I know it is time for me to detatch big time too. It is clearly an attempt to deflect the attention off of the drinking. I'm so glad you'll be going to your meeting tonight and that you have a plan in case you feel unsafe. It is sad and scary when they get drunk and mean, and I am really feeling for you. I have found it to be helpful to make sure I don't start defending or explaining myself. Instead I try (emphasis on try) to stick with what is acceptable or not acceptable to me. I find that it helps diffuse further fruitless discussions/arguments. Sending you lots of support today!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

He cannot differentiate that what you hate and don't approve of is not him, but his alcoholism. He wants the constant ego stroking and praise cuz of the brokeness and pain that alcoholics and addicts have. They drink cuz of that and there is a gaping hole that will not be filled by any amount of praise, acknowledgement, etc... If you state "I do love you and appreciate all you do, but you know I don't appreciate your alcholism and that is just a fact" it could go well or it could blow up in your face....at least it would be closer to your true feelings though and maybe just an ounce of it would seep in that what makes you tired, disdainful, and upset is his disease and not him.

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you all!!!!!

@ Danni, sounds oh so familiar. At times I have such a hard time differentiating what is real and I need to change something that I'm doing and what is attached to the disease. I realized that defending myself last night would be pointless and so I just bit my tongue, as hard as that was because the situation was so awful.

@Mark I often tell him that he is loved and appreciated. I've quit talking to him about drinking and smoking pot. I have stated where I stand, and left it alone. I try to communicate when I know he's sober. Unfortunately yesterday was apparently a bad day, and I have no idea when he started drinking or how much, he's taken to hiding bottles and pulled out 2 both almost empty. I think that he's drinking more then I realized, because it's now obvious to me that he's hiding it so I don't know how much or how often. I just know that he's drinking. So now the question becomes what am I going to do about it. For today, I'm going to do my best to get to my meeting no matter how yucky I feel.

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Three sayings that come to mind from reading your post Jackie....

1. You don't go to the hardware store to buy a loaf of bread...

2. Why do we keep expecting insane and irrational people to behave in sane and rational ways?

3. Stop trying to make sense out of nonsense

In my experience, if we are looking for validation, love, understanding, common sense, peacefulness, serenity, empathy, acceptance, etc - from an active A - we will (mostly) be frustrated and disappointed... He may well be very capable of all those traits and more, if he chooses sobriety, but very few active A's are capable of such things...

Just my two cents

Tom

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

stuff

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

RE: Spinning

oldgraduate · Senior Member

I find your post really interesting. I have experienced similiar behavior from my AH. If I am super nice and giving, I think it almost makes him feel guilty for his behavior. And then he turns it into something negative. If I take on more responsibility, I think it makes him feel threatened. So, sometimes you just can't win. It's kind of like the old saying ' Not good deed goes unpunished'. In the end, we just have to do what makes us feel good about ourselves. The hardest thing for me to do is to NOT REACT to my AH's behavior, expectations or lack of attention. Focusing on doing what I chose to do, is harder than reacting and I am trying to break that habit.
Hope you are well soon!

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

@ Tom good points, thank you.

@ Debilyn I laughed about going to stay in the hospital waiting room. We have a tiny little house so my own room is not an option. Had the situation degenerated further I was going to leave. Fortunately he took himself to the couch. I talked to a pharmacist at lunch and her recommendation appears to be working very well. I'll be at my meeting tonight with a washcloth or something to protect everyone else.

@orchidlover I knew that as long as I stayed silent he would have nothing further to use.

@oldgraduate The hardest thing for me to do is not react. I think all this started last night because initially I reacted and now I'm reminded how that ends for me, it's not pretty. I believe that I am on the road to recovery, positive thoughts!!!

Thank you all for the words of wisdom and encouragement!!!

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate to this share and I loved the ESH you received. I am sending you love and support, take care fo yourself!

mdkm0726 · Member

I tried ti fix my sick addict husband for ten years. I tried to anticipate all his needs so things would go smoothly. I prepared breakfast, coffee, set out his keys, wallet and clothes and with all this he was still not pleased. i knew he was sick and wanted to make him well before I left. He woulkd beat me on a regular basis but still i saw him as the sixk one. How sick was that thinking. I tried for 10 years and I only left because I was on the verge of a nerous breakdowna dn I thought my kids needed me. He wouls threaten suicide but I left anyway. He lived alone as as an addict for another 25 years when he died becuse of his addiction. I came to realize I could not change him..he didn't want to change but I did get to save myself and my children from more pain. The children and I salvaged our lives by the grace of God.

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

I asked for how I can do a better job of letting my AH know how much I appreciate all he does. He explained how I make him feel that I tear down what he's doing when I tell him that he doesn't have to.

I went to my meeting. Took a washcloth, coughed a lot, and bought Courage to Change. I'm so glad I went to my meeting. I lost sight of focusing on me, and what I need to change. I was focused on the drinking and the situation, and that's not what my focus is supposed to be on.

I hand all this over only to take it all back again, and it's not mine to take back. I can only change me.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Sigh....Sorry you have to try and reason with this guy. I know he has good traits or you wouldn't be with him. But honestly...it goes back to that argument about: You don't MAKE anyone feel anything.

Essentially, he might as well be saying: "You fail to make my world rosy and happy all the time while I am in self destruct mode and feeling sorry for myself all the time." You have an impossible task there. I hope you take a minute just to acknowledge that and do not buy into the "you tear me down" thing from a person that is doing a hell of a job tearing themself down all by themself.

You are very much on the road to healing by focusing on yourself. I'm glad you didn't get too caught up in the insanity.

Mark

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

@ Mark I hadn't really thought about how you can't make someone feel something. I do think that I need to be more careful with how I state things, and not take things for granted quite so much. I have been working on the communication thing, trying to find opportunities when I know he's not been drinking.

I realized last night that I'm sooooo bad for fixating on his issues instead of handing all that over, and then working on me.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Mark your post made me laugh, thank you. LOL.

I remember being a kid, this was eon's ago of course .. lol .. however my mother had gone to a program called EST. OMG .. can I tell you guys how much I resented that program as a kid. Kindergarten psychology in a box, this came out of me at 9 years old. My opinions haven't varied greatly since then. Dr Phil came out of the guruship of that one. While I do agree with some of the principles of it there was a whole lot that was kind of cultish about it. I saw this at 9 - 10ish. Anyway, I so vividly remember me having a major kid meltdown and I'm 9 years old, very angry about my parents divorce anyway and telling her she made me angry and her response was "I don't make you feel anything we are all responsible for our own feelings." Who tells a 9 year old this and more specifically who tells a 9 year old kid who is like me .. LOL. So in it went into the files of my brain. It was a short time later, my mother was in the throws of having her own melt down about something I had done or didn't do, and she started in with "you make me angry" of course you gotta love whip smart kids who have had enough therapy that all adults present should be scared of what is going to pop out of said child's mouth .. I turned around and said "Oh no mom, I don't make you feel anything remember we are all responsible for our own feelings." Of course I ran like hell out the door and I don't think i stopped until I got about a 1/2 mile away .. LOL. I went home MUCH later .. lol.

I have always tried to remember that .. I am personally responsible for my own feelings, thoughts and actions. Of course I really didn't get what that really meant until much later. I am not responsible for someone else's perception of their own situation. That is manipulation on their part.

Now I can see him saying "I feel torn down at the moment and need support." THAT is a different statement than "You make me feel blah blah blah". That's the difference right there between an "I" statement and "You" statement and why "You" statements tend not to work.

Observational and Marks post really made me laugh at myself because I can still see that conversation happening in my head and the look of abject horror on my mothers as she realized she didn't have a leg to stand on with what I said. OR she would have to admit what a waste of money, and in the day it was a load of money.

Jackie, I hope you are feeling better today and remember we are only responsible for our own thoughts, feelings and actions, we do not carry the world on our shoulders it's not our job. God has been doing that gig much longer than we ever hope to be around on this earth and last I checked there was no job opening. :)

Hugs P :)

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

LOL Pushka you just totally made my day with that story!!!! I never could come back with statements like that fast enough.

I'm feeling 100X's better, I was actually able to sleep through the night last night for the first time in a week!!!! Tomorrow's race is going to be intersting though since I haven't run in 2 weeks.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"