"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

ladysoblue · Veteran Member

Terrified, lost, sinking

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Ladysoblue,

Welcome to MIP, I hope you will stick around and let us get to know you. I don't know that I've ever witnessed someone go to an alanon meeting continue to go to alanon meetings (it's recommended 6) and not see some kind of changes. There is something about those meetings that relieves the stresses. I remember walking (crawling emotionally) into my first alanon meeting this past year and leaving feeling lighter. I left with the idea that I had hope for me. It was such a relief. It was my last chance effort. Everything else I had tried failed, ... miserably. Everyone was miserable in our house, most of all I felt like the life had been sucked out of me and there was nothing left in me to give.

I do suggest you go to at least 6 meetings (honestly I had to keep going for another 6 .. lol .. totally me not anyone else), get a sponsor, really apply yourself to the program before you even think about the "then what's". That's to far out in the future at this point.

Hugs p :)

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome ladysoblue,

Your post reminded me of a reading in one of our daily readers, Courage to Change. There is a quote from it I think you can relate to. I am paraphrasing here:

"I once told a family member that their bickering was making our newly sober loved one nervous which would cause them to drink. I was shocked when I heard well let them."

My experience is I have no power over making my loved drink or keep them sober. There was nothing I could say or do to prevent them from drinking or lying. What helped me was to accept that I was powerless over my husbands drinking. I came to understand that he no longer had a choice in the matter because his body craved the alcohol. Part of my insanity was trying to find the right thing to say or do all the time to keep him sober. My efforts were not welcomed or wanted.

That is why I went to Alanon. I was in tremendous pain, frustrated, and the only emotion I could relate to and feel was anger. I woke up angry, had no joy in my life. The exchanges between me and my spouse were harsh many explosive moments followed by cold silence. I had to get help for me because I could no longer save him I had to start helping me.

I too remember how hard it was to walk into my first meeting. I think it was because I thought I had to admit I was a failure (which was an ego crusher), that I didnt have all the answers. All I did in my first meeting was listen. I think I listened for six months before I was ready to speak. I kept going back because of all the love, acceptance, and understanding that is ever so present in a face to face meeting. Hearing my story told over and over again through other members sharing gave me courage to share a little bit of what was going on in my home. It has been many years since I first walked into the rooms of Alanon. The blessing for me is that I know I no longer have to do this alone.

I am so glad you are here. Please keep coming back as we love to hear from our newcomers. Thank you so very much for sharing today.

In support,

T

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Alanon will help. It will help you sort out the confusion and guilt you seem to have too. For example, what are you supposed to do when the person you love screams "You failed to support me?!" but they want to be supported in doing destructive things like binge drinking? How do you support that?? Also, I can see how you would be feeling that all the support you have to offer is nothing compared to what alcohol can do cuz even if you play super supportive all day every day, he will still drink. You and I know there are a million ways to deal with stress that are healthy and drinking is not one of them. If I had a nickel for all the times I have heard "My business is sooooo stressful and I drink because of that" I would be rich. Everyone has a stressful job (pretty much) and not all of us fall back on drinking to cope. I am not saying this stuff to bolster you to have an argument. It is just to keep you from falling into some of the guilt traps that are being set for you so that you can walk straight to alanon and start your own healing.

So...there you are...left with this crazy-making BS. Alanon will be a place for you to meet others who have been there, understand, and have worked through these things to various degrees. It can function to help you strengthen yourself so that what you husband does is not the end all in terms of your peace of mind. It will teach you general tools and helpful coping skills, but there is no one "right thing" or way to respond.

Please keep coming back.

Mark

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Ladysoblue.... wow, lots of tough stuff to be dealing with there, and even tougher in that you're trying to do it all on your own....

There is an old, tongue-in-cheek comment about Al-Anon - "try us for six meetings.... if you aren't completely satisfied, we will gladly refund your misery".....

In Al-Anon, you will learn many toolsets - for YOU - that will help you on your path through all of this.... It is said that "dealing with an alcoholic on our own is too much" for most of us..... Choosing a program of recovery - for you - is a great way to overcome that..... Reading great books (i.e. "Getting Them Sober", volume one, by Toby Rice Drews), is another..... And guess what - you've already taken a really encouraging first baby step towards getting better - by opening up and posting here!

Hope you keep coming back

Tom

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I was searching for help too.Al Anon saved my life.

YES you can feel better. We learn so many truths here. Ex: It does not matter what an active A says. It is all insanity from a brain and body controlled by poison.

There is no reason to take it seriously. It is NOT personal at all. Actually a lot of times they are talking to themselves about themselves not at others at all.

You are dealing with a lot. I do invite you to go to meetings. They will welcome you and mean it. I am very sensitive to non caring people. I can walk into a docs office and if the atmosphere is phony caring I can tell and I leave.

MIP has NEVER in over ten years here made me feel that,never. We really care so much. I believe it is becuz we have felt the horrible pain, been to that place that humbled us, sooo much that we want to help all we can.

A's are very sick with a disease. The disease will suck us dry if we do not have the skills to maintain as best as we can. We can learn to stay with them and be ok.

We learn to lighten up, not give what they say any feelings.

I hope you will keep coming. I have seen so miracles happen here.

Love,debilyn

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

Pretty typical alcoholic with bottomless needs.

Of course you are frustrated. No one is perfect. We just try to work a program every day.

Be good to yourself.

Don't take on the disease.

Maresie.

ladysoblue · Veteran Member

OH, you people have beautiful souls. Thank-you so much for caring enough - and then some! - to share such warm words of encouragement. It was a blessing to wake up to them today. I really needed that. Thank-you.

nyc018 · Senior Member

I was in the exact same place as you a year ago. From the unstable behavior, wondering, walking on eggshells, trying to assess if he drank or not, and worst of all - confronting him about it. This resulted in huge blow out fights, with him either accusing me of being the cause of his problems, or walking out. It is very scary and the feeling of helplessness is awful.
I started to feel some real relief when I finally acknowledged that his drinking is totally out of my hands, as Alanon teaches. You've gotten some great suggestions. Going to meetings, coming here, and reading "Getting Them Sober" and Alanon literature helped me immensely. You're not alone and the things you are going through have been experienced by many. Things will get better, and sending you lots of support.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

You received great ESH already and I just wanted to send you love and support on your journey!

danni · Senior Member

I can really relate to you post. It sounds like something i could have written a year ago. I started going to Al anon meetings a year ago, and despite the fact that my husband is still drinking, i can share with you that my life, and even my marriage, has become fuller and richer. It is still a challenge, but i am no longer broken and shaky and terrified. I have two small children, and I am a much better mother to them now, now that I am not as stressed and reactive to my husband's drinking and the roller coaster ride you described that I so relate to. I don't know what the future holds for my husband and his drinking, but my life has gotten better--much better, and I am feeling more like myself than I have in years. You are not alone, and going and sticking with al anon, for me, was one of the best decisions I ever made. I never thought that with my husband still drinking I could feel grateful for anything, but there you have it...I am extremely grateful. You are not alone! Sending you lots of support.

ladysoblue · Veteran Member

Thank-you so much, everyone. I dearly appreciate all your support and understanding. I have found an alanon meeting that I'll try out tomorrow morning. I feel a little bit hopeful now, and that's a lot right now.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"