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Good day all. I just attended my first Al-Anon meeting. I'm not sure if I will go back. I'm feeling pretty lost and confused. I'm hoping there are some here who can offer some kind of help. Any replies at all will be much appreciated. My main concerns right now are:
-I was taken to the meeting by a close family member. There are a few different meetings in the area, and this family member will most likely attend all of those meetings at some point. I do not feel I will ever feel comfortable sharing anything in front of this family member. How do people deal with this kind of situation?
-Are Al-Anon members supposed to be clean and sober themselves? I rarely drink, but regularly use marijuana. Am I a huge hypocrite? Do I have any right to be there if I do not intend to stop my own use? I don't know if I can define my use as an addiction, or that I believe it to be a problem that I need to stop. I just don't know what to think anymore.
Hi there and welcome to MIP! Al-anon meetings are for anyone who has been affected by a loved ones drinking. As far as the meetings go, there are usually different meetings and times in bigger areas and maybe you can figure out a schedule that makes you more comfortable and able to share in your group. There is a number at the bottom of my post for the Al-anon headquarters to get meeting times in your area. I hope you keep attending face to face meetings and keep coming back! I am sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Congrats on your first meeting and welcome to MIP.
If you feel uncomfortable about having a family member attend there are usually other meetings to choose from. The other thing is where ever you decide to go try more than one meeting. I know the recommendation is usually 6, for me I had to keep going until things clicked which was more than 6. That's ok, it had nothing to do with the people it was me, .. totally on me.
As far as your own recreational use that is only a question that you can answer. I still have an occasional glass of wine from time to time. Some people don't and that's ok to, those are answers you can find out as you explore alanon.
Please keep coming back!!
Hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Not surprising that you would feel awkward potentially sharing in front of a close family member. Early in my attendance at meetings a fellow showed up who knew me quite well from volunteer work years ago -- I could never talk about anything deep or intimate with him there. I would just find a different meeting, even if it means telling the family member that you wish privacy and coordinating so you don't end up at the same one.
Al-Anon members are not expected to be clean and sober, although it seems that a lot of partners of alcoholics don't enjoy drinking much (wonder why? lol). Of course, it would be pretty disrespectful to the spirit of the group to show up in a state of visible intoxication. Personally, I think it would be counterproductive to attend in a "chemically altered" state as one wouldn't be as mindful or as present for the meeting as one would "clean", but that's just me.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
If you are being affected by someone's drinking, then you have a right to be at meetings.
I know of no rule/policy that prohibits members from drinking or smoking whatever they desire. I would not consider you a hypocrite. Nor would I feel the need to no what you consume. It makes no difference to me.
We come together at meetings to help each other grow as individuals. We don't focus on our qualifiers (alcoholics and/or addicts). The focus is on us and how we can manage our lives for the better.
As far as attending meetings with a relative, that is a personal choice too. My sister, who is a recovering alcoholic (RA) was attending meetings with me for about 2 months. I felt a little uncomfortable at times and did not share on the topic because she was there. But she didn't last for whatever reason. You could try to find a different meeting in your area. Hopefully there are more!
Welcome and please share your heart, concerns and joys!
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
In my home meeting, there is a person who attends occasionally who isn't family but knows my AH extremely well and has known him a long time. I find when she attends, I do edit myself and don't share some details. I have a wonderful sponsor, though. So, if I have something I need to share, I know I can speak with my sponsor privately. At anytime, at any meeting, I can choose to listen and not speak.
As others have suggested, try different meetings and find where you feel most comfortable.
As far as clean and sober, I've been asked this question before by newcomers who are even newer than me (I found Al-Anon in January of this year). It seems to be a fairly common concern. In my experience, the further I get into my recovery in Al-Anon, the less alcohol appeals to me. I was a daily drinker (a glass or two of wine at dinner) when I entered Al-Anon. And at one point, before kids, I could even match my AH one-for-one on some over-indulgent weekends.
Now, I really don't enjoy how alcohol makes me feel anymore. The more I work my program and focus on my recovery, the less time I have to indulge in things that cloud my thinking, whether that is alcohol, obsessive thoughts about my AH, or anything else.
I just wanted to say how much I thank you for your replies! You are a helpful and welcoming bunch. I got a pretty good vibe at the meeting I attended too. I am naturally extremely shy, quiet, and private, so group settings like this can make me quite nervous. I'm still surprised that I agreed to go in the first place. I think it was because I had hit something of a bottom these past few days and just didn't have the strength to resist. I also couldn't think it could be any worse than sitting home feeling awful. I'm still kinda sqeamish about the whole 12-step "ideology", so to speak. After the meeting one lady at the meeting told me I should just take what works and leave the rest. I will consider trying other meetings, and maybe coordinating with the family member. I just worry she might be hurt by that kind of request. Then again, she might even feel the same way.
Aloha jualias...you're very new and you will not learn or "get it" over night. I've been in a while and when I got into the program the first time it wasn't for me and I left...of course when I left I got sicker and the second time around it was suggested that I do as many meetings as I could in the next 90 days; I did 90 and more and I came to understand what the program was about...steps, traditions, slogans, literature, meetings and more. The program eventually led me into taking my own alcoholic assessment and today I am known as a "double" I attend both Al-Anon and AA. Anything new takes time to come to understand so that a person can make an informed choice. With an informed choice we make different decisions about our thoughts, feelings, behaviors. Keep coming back and give yourself a chance.
The safety net in Al-Anon is the principle of anonmity which is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.
I would be remiss if I didnt welcome you to MIP as well.
To answer your question, there are no hard and fast rules in alanon. The only Alanon requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend. I would have to say there is a strong possibility that everyone on planet earth knows an alcoholic. So, if that possibility fits your situation, then you have met the requirement.
As for personal sobriety, I refrain from putting a "should's list" on anyone else. It is up to you and your comfort level as to whether or not you should refrain from smoking or drinking.
For me I do not attend alanon with family members. I need the meeting for me. Perhaps attending another group would be more comfortable in your situation.
Glad to have the chance to meet you. Keep coming back!
