The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today has been unpleasant... I kept turning certain issues around and around in my head until finally my head came unscrewed, went flying across the apartment, bounced off the wall, and landed in the toilet. Fortunately, I really needed to wash my hair.
...OK, slight exaggeration there, but the gist of it is right... today did suck, and then something good came out of it.
I got stuck thinking about *everything* that's wrong with me, up to and including the awkward way I smiled at somebody in the hall. And trying to figure out the cause of each and every one of my many flaws... most of which turned out to be "There is no excuse, I just suck" Making myself feel worse and worse and worse and I just couldn't turn it off...
I backed myself into the same corner I keep ending up in... "terminally unique". "I suck so incredibly much that nobody else sucks as much as I do -- even the people who write that 'everybody deserves self-esteem' stuff wouldn't like me." (Please keep in mind that I'm typing this with a smile on my face looking back to what I was thinking earlier today... I am *not* feeling this right now!)
Then, while trying to figure out what the heck is wrong with me, I came across a book called "I thought it was just me (but it wasn't)"... the author is a shame researcher who has interviewed zillions of women about their feelings of shame/insecurity/etc. and written a book about it. Including a lot of stuff from her interviewees. Powerful the same way meetings are powerful, to know that other human beings are experiencing the same things and you're not alone...
Everybody feels this way sometimes. Nobody is the image they project in public. Everybody has doubts, and embarassments, and worries. There is nothing horribly wrong with me, I am experiencing a normal feeling that most people have. There is no more point in freaking out over those feelings than there is about freaking out over my elbows, because most of us have those too!
I don't have to be controlled by those feelings, nor do I have to throw myself into trying to find out why I have them and changing them... I can just be aware that they are there, they are normal, and I can control my response to them.
-- Edited by atheos on Monday 21st of November 2011 09:17:52 PM
What a meaningful post I love your style of writing and the in depth message powerful
I also have had these horrible "ANTS" (Automatic Negative Thoughts" running around in my head until one day my sponsor told me that my problem was that I was comparing MY INSIDES with everyone else's Outsides.
Like you suggested they were presenting one way but being human also had their insecurities. That gave me permission to stop comparing, bring the focus on myself and continue to ask HP to lift this negative defects.
For the most part they have lifted but from time to time they try to visit and I just use my tools to dispell them
Good share You are doing fine snd i agree manure does make flowers grow
Thank you for your share!! Keep up the good work because it does get better.
Hugs p :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
And all of us have also felt we were too broken to be fixed. That is something I hear in both AA and Alanon and yet I repeatedly see healing take place for those who work at it :)
You know I dont think I would be normal if I didnt have the same feelings from time to time. That is the beauty of your post relating to your message in a fun loving way.
When the manure in my brain starts to rain down on me if I can remember there's got to be a pony in there somewhere, I can see the brighter side of life.
Atheos ~ Just wanted to share really quickly that I got a kick out of your sense of humor! And also, that I really identify with what you've written. I have probably said the same thing to myself - I am so lame and worthless! Even the most accepting, patient, self-esteem boosters would have no patience for me! Thankfully, now i know that those messages aren't true at all! And I know that I'm not alone in those feelings either. I think everyone struggles with these feelings to a degree, especially people raised in a family with addiction, mental illness, hyper-critical perfectionism, etc. I've been reading some great books on these subjects and keep feeling better and better. I like what Tommye said - there's got to be a pony in here somewhere!! And it does make the flowers grow, that's for sure!
