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How do you know when enough is enough? I feel as if my life has been put on hold while he tries to get this together.
How long do I have to just sit in the sidelines and watch...praying and hoping that things will get better?
There is no set time, of course. My question (for you to think about alone, not meaning that you have to answer here) would be whether he is trying to get better. Does he have any awareness or acknowledgement that there's a problem, and does that translate into taking action? If not, the next question would be whether you feel you can be happy in life as it is now, given that the odds are great that it will be just like this in five years. In five years will you want things to be the same?
If he does have an awareness, then you might think about a bottom line -- how much longer is long enough before things start to improve? What kinds of things can you absolutely not be around?
There is no requirement to stay in a very stressful situation. Your highest duty is to protect and nurture yourself. But if you're getting something from the situation, that may be enough to warrant staying put, at least for now.
The farther we get in our recovery, the more we're able to see things clearly. Keeping our eye on our recovery often means that the answers pop out.
My exAH used to say he was waiting for his turn and I never understood it. I wanted him to continue counseling with me or without me , but he wouldn't and and if he chose AA, I would have supported that fully. I was getting through my stuff for a couple years and it was intense, but I wished he would have chosen to work on himself during that time also. From what I hear from the couples that both work a recovery program it can be good, I wouldn't know. Is your A in recovery or still active? As for your question when is it enough and when will it get better, no one can answer that, only you know when enough unacceptable behavior is enough. Are you attending Al-anon face to face meetings, have a sponsor or reading any Al-anon literature? None of my questions need answering just meant to be thought provoking. There is a great book that I read called "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. I hope you start your recovery process for you. I am sending you love and support on your journey!
-- Edited by Breakingfree on Monday 21st of November 2011 09:02:48 PM
-- Edited by Breakingfree on Monday 21st of November 2011 09:04:12 PM
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
This is the million-dollar question for the spouse of an A. When my husband got out of rehab I felt I truly didn't want him back in the house, having experienced a few weeks of peace for the first time in years with him gone...I was guilted into letting him stay in a way, maybe I still had hope...but I was told not to make any decisions for 6 months-a year. In my mind that meant, in 6 months if it was still awful, I could leave...and we did separate then because he relapsed monthly. We tried counseling but what was the point in working on the marriage when we are both broken down individuals? So for me, I waited and listened to my heart, and when that decision was made, I had no doubts and I was actually ready. Everyone told me, you'll know when the time is right and I believe that "There will be an answer. Let it Be"
This is a horrible disease and I had agonized for so long over where to draw the line when enough is enough. It was one of the hardest decisions.
Alanon hadn't entered into my life during this phase, so things may or may not have happened differently, but now I know to wait to make a decision until I'm ready- not to force a solution. I know some couples that are working a recovery program and found serenity and happiness- they're each working their own program and also together.
I understand the isolating feeling of "waiting in the sidelines"; it is my hope that this feeling would lessen as you work the program, regardless what he does.
This is where the problem lies....there is no motivation in him to continue with AA. He has lost his license due to an OUI and has to rely on others for transportation. (mainly me) I've had enough of playing chauffer because he doesn't even ask me anymore...he just expects it. I said enough with that because I'm not going to be the doormat. I told him he needs to pick up the phone and ask people for help.
He has no sponsor, hasn't reconnected with the rehab facility, shuts out friends and family and even me sometimes...I just feel like there's more he needs to explore within himself.
The lack of effort into improving himself (which has gone on for quite some time pertaining to various things...) has been a huge issue in our relationship. I am a highly motivated, busy person and he sees me as someone who is going places while he's "stuck." I've told him that he can get another job or get a hobby to keep himself busy and happy. There's only so much you can offer someone...and I feel like I don't have any more of myself to give.
All of that sounds very sane and reasonable. To be a truly compatible couple you do need to share values and one of yours seems to be that you will be more compatible with another active and motivated person. I can only say that I moved on when I realized that my ex was giving me a front row seat to his slow suicide and it was not something I needed to go through. I chose to live a different lifestyle than him and it happened when the scales just tipped one day and the crazy became too crazy, the waiting for things to get better seemed too unlikely, and the sunlight was shining much brighter in other pastures rather than the one I was metaphorically stuck in. Hope that helps. Not an easy decision or process no matter how you look at it.
I am going through a similar situation, though my AH currently IS in a rehab facility. i keep pondering over and over ...what do i do? what do i do?... Sookie said " I waited and listened to my heart, and when that decision was made, I had no doubts and I was actually ready. Everyone told me, you'll know when the time is right and I believe that "There will be an answer. Let it Be"" and bud said "now I know to wait to make a decision until I'm ready- not to force a solution." I don't know if these helped you, heather... those words of advice really just helped me. I can't possibly know what to do yet. It's all so raw right now. I need time to process what is going on. I think if I end up needing to completely move on... meaning to divorce my husband I will know and right now I do not know. I have made the decision that he and I should live apart right now. I moved in with a friend. He will go back into our house or maybe in with his Mom after rehab. I hope you keep reading, and posting, and attending meetings, heather. I don't know about you but its so nice to just know that someone can relate to exactly what I am feeling right now. I can't sleep just thinking of what the future holds and I try and try so hard to think one day at a time. its hard when you have no clue what trauma tomorrow has in store for you like yesterday did. i think tomorrow i will paint my nails and take some time to have my hair look really nice. i deserve to feel good and maybe boost my mood. I wish you the best, heather.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Welcome to MIP and I hope you stick around, keep coming back. :)
My AH lost his license and I know the implied expectation that I was the driver. Every sentence started with "You need to take me to work" followed by "You need to pick me up from work" and I started saying "I need to be at (an alanon meeting, church, with the kids, cooking dinner, so I can't do that)" OR I would compromise "I will be out in town at XYZ time. I can pick you up then." Always I made statements never questions. He found out that no I didn't have to drive him. He still had to get to work and he started getting himself to work. I think my AH would have been to scared to stay home with me during that time .. lol. Sad but true, .. well we would have been on the streets literally. I've tried (sometimes failed .. lol) to allow my AH to be 99.9% responsible for the DUI mess. I can't seem to let go of that .01% however I"m working on it. I've done much better than I was this time last year. If he doesn't comply to the letter he was given he goes to jail and will be charged with a DUI (his second, technically third). It's not easy to step back when I want to step in control, shake him and say what are you doing?! That doesn't work.
I don't think I'm waiting around for my AH to get sober and get a program of recovery. Of course I hope that will happen that's not my reason for being in a relationship. I have an opportunity to work on myself. I've seen it benefit the whole family unit. My AH is going to drink or not drink it really comes down to what am I going to do. I'm choosing to love him where he is at, love me where I am at and I'm ok with those choices. Alanon has helped and will continue to help me make the best decisions for myself. It really comes down to what is right for me. It's not a one shoe fits all situation.
Having the support of folks in the alanon program is a wonderful benefit to it all. I do make better decisions because I know I can stop and think about them before doing anything, AND that I'm responsible for my choices.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
"tomorrow i will paint my nails and take some time to have my hair look really nice. i deserve to feel good and maybe boost my mood" -Thanks Michelle. :)
I know I deserve to feel good about myself and where I'm at...and I'm unsure if that's going to be with or without him.
P- Your AH is actively drinking? How does that not affect your family? I understand that these choices are his to make but how can you not let that affect you? This is what I'm struggling with. I completely understand that if he wants to drink he's going to, but I don't have to sit there and just accept that. I don't want that to be my life. I don't want to have to worry which drink is going to kill him....again. It's too much for me to handle. The stress is physically making me ill. I've been staying with my parents who are extremely supportive of any decision I make and he has been staying at our apt. I don't want to be around him right now...
How do you begin to trust again? How can that be rebuilt? Can it...? I've been in relationships with infidelity and the constant thought of "what is he doing...has he found someone else?" Drove me crazy and put a severe wedge between us to the point of having to break up because I couldn't get past the infidelity. So how do you get past this? Can you...or is this my own decision I'm going to have to make. This is way more challenging than I ever thought and I've been telling myself all the way through this that if God didn't think I could handle this, he wouldn't have faced me with it. But is he handing me this challenge to help me find what would truly make me happy? I feel so lost....
I sent you a PM, I just wanted to say I accept that my AH is an addict. I do not accept unacceptable behavior. Basically those are boundaries for me that have to do with me and my behavior. If those things happen I have choices and I already have a plan in my mind about my actions in the situations.
It takes a LOT of time. One way I deal with my situation is I stopped asking questions I already knew the answers to because the lying at least wasn't as prolific. I mean really, .. lol .. have you been drinking? Are you drunk? I'm asking to be lied to and that's on me really. I knew at the time when he had been drinking and I def knew when he was drunk.
I did have to stop obsessing over what he is or isn't doing. I have to focus on what I"m doing or not doing.
Hugs it does get easier it takes time, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
