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I got caught in another useless argument with my mom just now. I've been separated from AH for several months. She's been seething at the fact that I opted for a legal separation vs divorce and that I allow him over to see our son (the condition is sobriety; he's been sober since Sept).
She informed me that she let my 1st cousin know I'm separated. And apparently, my cousin thought I had a prenup (pray tell, why did she have to know that?) I don't know if I overreacted, but wasn't pleased to hear that. I prefer to deal with this privately. This is all new to me, and I am trying to heal from the wounds this has caused. I mentioned to her when this all happened that I'd prefer she not advertise this. It's not that I'm ashamed of being separated - I just don't need it "out there" right now.
I defied my instinct to count to ten and answer "how important is it." and got into an unhealthy conversation with her. It descended into her telling me that people need to know I'm separated so that they can introduce me to someone else to marry. She also told me that I was married to a crazy person.
I just feel like crying now. Mad at myself that I engaged in a losing battle with my mom. Mad at AH for creating this situation. Mad at myself for allowing my emotions to be controlled by either one of them.
Ugh, you learned the hard way. If even one person knows your secret...be ready. It will get out. I laughed when I read the part of your post that your mom is already worried about you meeting someone else to marry. Really scare her and tell her you are done with marriage FOREVER. Just detach. None of this is your mom's business. Change the subject to the weather when she is around.
It's been over 5 years since my divorce and I still can't address it with some of my family members. In fact, I'm not sure that they all even know.... but when they find out, and do whatever it is that they do or say, what they think is going to have to be none of my business.
Maryjane's suggestion to change the subject is a good one. There is no obligation to share or open it up for discussion. Sometimes I tell people, I'm not prepared to discuss that, and i move on.
Aloha Sis...I did the same thing maryjane did from my perspective not at anything you maybe feeling but at how others react from their own awarenesses and beliefs. Your mom's justifications for not allowing you your choices are her own. Share a slogan with her..."let go and let GOD" then let her watch you do it.
I can sooo relate to this one. My Mom used to beat me to death in discussions about my life and what to do with it. I had to learn to dettach from her in a big way. I finally figured it out, I was the one giving her all the ammo and she needed the distraction. This is a hard one for most people, family dynamics is such a touchy subject. My Mom doesn't even ask me anymore about my social life and trust me that is a huge change. I wasn't as nice as I should have been in my early self righteous Al-anon days as I am now, hence I wasnt ready to see her until now. I am glad I am through that stage and can love her and keep my mouth closed about my private affairs. Take care of yourself. I am sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
NYC.....Serious hugs for you. I want to tell you to please take a breath and step back. You have an alcoholic husband and a marriage in turmoil for reasons largely out of your control. It would seem you have a mom that also thinks this can be fixed by just marrying you off to someone better rather than dealing with reality which is that you need to grieve and go through the slow process of either divorce or working your problems out.
In any case, the situation is screaming for boundaries and most DEFINITELY does not call for you beating yourself up. My mom would be capable of acting like you described. She is totally tactless even though she means well and when she gets an idea in her head she will steamroll across my feelings to express her anxiety or worries about me. So...I have to set firm limits around her or she makes me feel like poopoo continuously.
Nobody wants to get separated. Nobody wants to get divorced. Nobody wants addiction to mess up their lives. None of this was your fault. To get over the losses you have to be kind and forgiving of yourself. I hope you get to a meeting soon cuz that is where people will love you when you dont have the strength or feel too much despair to love yourself. Your post touched me cuz I have felt exactly like you described....
The first thing that come to mind when I read your post was Progress, not perfection. You have had a lot to shoulder, and I think all your anger is so understandable. Please be gentle with yourself and try to recognize all the progress you have made. I have gotten so much out of your posts, and so much of what you have shared is inspiring to me...your honesty and hope and insight. I try to remind myself when I get angry and my AH and certain family members, that I am human. I have a right to have feelings and reactions. If you are learning that certain ways of addressing those feelings work better for you, then that is progress. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!
