no promises. - Al-Anon Family Group

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

no promises.

nyc018 · Senior Member

It sounds as if you've identified the issue - you're scared of living in limbo and hanging your hopes on someone who is quite sick, and whom you can't depend on. I think he's being honest by saying he can't promise anything and only time will tell if he is committed to turning things around. I know firsthand that there is little more frustrating than wanting someone to be something they aren't (or wanting them to go back being the way we thought they were).
I think One Day at a Time comes in useful, not looking at forever. You don't have to give up hope altogether, but you don't have to live by it either. It really comes down to taking care of yourself, realizing what you have and don't have control over, and leaving the rest up to HP.
In support, nyc

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Tracy,

None of us know what the future holds and regardless of if you and your AH get back together, what do YOU want to do? Take all of the focus off of him maybe getting sober and having it stick or not and put all of the focus into you and your own healing. You are right he is saying all of the right things. His actions are going to speak volumes .. believe what you see not what he says. You don't owe him your trust after all of these years of it being violated over and over again I see it as setting myself up for expectation and disappointment which equals even more resentment and anger (this is me). He is in the position of earning your trust back. I hope he gets sober and it sticks. You guys do get back together. In the mean time, put your energy into YOUR life and what YOU want. He is either going to drink or not drink (you are either going to get back together or not), what are YOU going to do?? Sober doesn't mean roses, unicorns and rainbows. There is a lot of work that has to be done even after sobriety. Sorry not to be Debbie Downer here the reality says, you deserve to live a full wonderful life not based upon if and when he decides to get his act together. I'm not on the bandwagon of leave him, I'm on the bandwagon of what's best for Tracy, what does SHE want??

Hugs P :)

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi,
I really feel bad for your situation. I can only tell you about me and see if you can identify at all.

My hubby gradually descended into his alcoholism over the years of our marriage. When we first met he may have drunk a beer a week. By time we were married 29 years he was drinking a couple of gallons of whiskey every week...along with beer... and vermouth to make the manhattans. He got the DUI and got into AA and eventually never had another drink (yea, there were a couple of false starts, but AA worked for his alcoholism.) Then after 7 yrs. of sobriety (no, not all was rosy. There are always behavior issues.), he got cancer. It was in his throat right where the whiskey would burn the back of his throat when he swallowed. He fought it hard and finally beat it. The doctors say it is gone. Any other cancer he gets will be a new cancer, not the old one. But no guarantees. He lives his life in limbo, the same as an alcoholic who always says "maybe......" And so I was living in limbo too. And then I used my AlAnon program to get me out of that life. His alcoholism is not MY disease. His cancer is not MY disease. I can't live as though it is. I was having way too many stress related problems.

Yes, we are still married. I live my life no matter what happens to him. Fortunately cancer doesn't have the behavioral issues of alcoholism, but if your boyfriend is sober, hopefully those issues settle out.

It is totally up to you. Do you want to live your life with someone who will always have the threat of an illness that will completely take over them? You are not married and you have this choice. Only you can decide if he is worth it.

If he is solidly in the program, he can usually say, "I am so over it! I don't want to drink again and I know what I have to do." It doesn't sound like your ABF is ready to say that, or maybe he is. Ask him.

And then you can decide-- what do you want?

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Tracy,

I'm so sorry you're going through this and have so much disappointment and pain. Anything is possible. No one can predict what can happen from one moment to the next.

I wish I had known this a while ago, but I think 'now' is always a good time to fill our lives with what we want. We can include others in this, but they come 'as is'. I have met people who work a hard recovery program and have happy marriages- not perfect, but happy- so, it is possible, one day at a time.

As the other replies stated, do what is good for you and the answers will come.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I am sorry you are hurting and confused about your future. I hear you talking a lot about him and I hear fear in your post, maybe try thinking about what you can do with this hour and day for yourself, but let tomorrow come in fresh. Are you attending meetings, have a sponsor and reading Al-anon literature when catching yourself spiraling? I am glad you are coming here and finding support. Take care of yourself and try finding things to do to take your mind off of him and your relationship. When I first was alone I thought I would have to learn to knit and make whole snow suits for me and my girls with how crazy my mind was going, haha, my sponsor still makes me laugh about that. I really didn't know what to do with myself. Now almost a year later my girls are at their dads tonight and I am here alone and have a movie and a book picked out for a relaxing night. i have a pretty routine schedule again, it took time to figure it out. I used to have to be taking care of everyone and now I am taking care of myself and am better for it. It is a process One Day at a Time. I am sending you love and support!

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