I need to find the strength to just let go - Al-Anon Family Group

stopandchat · Senior Member

I need to find the strength to just let go

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate this happened to me while I was pregnant with my first over 13 years ago. My 13 year old is the one that told me after her whole childhood has been instability that she didn't want us to move back in with him again. I don't regret all the years of trying, I love him and my 13 year old is a great kid. I am just saying I guess either way you go you and your baby will be okay. My 3 year old sees her dad 2 days a week and is with me 5 days and we are both better parents seperately. Take care of yourself and keep working on you. I am sending you love and support on your journey!

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm so sorry you are going through this especially at this time. You're not alone. Maintaining your serenity with his new sobriety would be challenging enough without the added responsibilities of being a new Mom. The best thing to do is to focus on yourself and your wonderful baby, regardless what your husband is doing. I wish I could offer more. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Glad you are here.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I really feel for you. I am also inspired by how you seem to be handling all of it.

What I can share is mostly from my own journey in getting sober and from observing others through a lot of AA meetings and such. At 14 months sobriety I was still very shaky and unsure of what I wanted. I had no idea who I was and what made me happy. I could barely take care of my cat, yet alone step up and be a dad and a husband. What you are describing sounds pretty typical for a newly sober person.

Living with an active drunk or addict is like total insanity. There is some measure of predictability with a recovering person though and at 14 months - what you see is a person who is very much like a shaky toddler.

Not sure what you can do with that insight. Others with more Alanon experience might be of greater service.

Mark

nyc018 · Senior Member

First of all, congratulations on your new baby girl. I feel for you and know how tough this is, especially now. Having a newborn is an overwhelming (albeit very happy) time. Emotions are in an upheaval, you're probably not getting sleep, and you're adjusting to a whole new life as a new mom.
I would encourage you to stay close with your family and those people whom you can lean on now. Your husband is still new to sobriety and hasn't found his footing. I think the enormity of becoming a parent may trigger something in alcoholics to act out. I can say that my AH's real ascent into serious alcoholism started right about the time our son was born. It was the absolute worst time for him to "abandon" me emotionally. I still remember that time as one of the happiest yet saddest times of my life. At least your husband has started the process of recovery and is not actively drinking now. Whether he recovers spiritually and emotionally is something only time will tell, but you will be fine either way.
Right now priority #1 is to take good care of yourself and enjoy your new baby. The first few months with a new baby are very trying and you need to be gentle on yourself. I would venture to guess that, as hard as it is not having your husband with you now, the separation may not be a bad thing because you are already on emotional overload. Final decisions about your marriage don't necessarily have to be made right now. I hope you are getting help from your family and allowing yourself time to nap, eat well, rest, and spend quality time bonding with your daughter. It's a precious time for you. Sending you support,
nyc

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I am sad you are having to be in this limbo when your first concern is surely your baby, and getting back to yourself again.

In my experience people who are teeter tottering like this, do it to everyone. It seems to be how they are, their nature. How good would this be for your daughter?

One thing about my family, we were very routine, trustworthy and stable. I never had to question is Daddy coming home.

Kids need stability.

Anyway this is what I have experienced in my family and my friends who are all still married to their first loves, except the one who's died like mine did. hugs,debilyn and welcome back!

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi,
I'm so happy about your new baby, but so sad about your marriage. I think your alcoholic is telling you what he is feeling. It is hard to hear. And then when he wavers and takes it back, but then wavers again and says it again. I think you have to listen to what he is saying. But you are already living apart, so what difference does it make? If you want to give it a little more time, then do that. If you want to get it over with because you can see the writing on the wall, then do that. You don't have to decide right now. And you can change your mind later if you want. Maybe it would help to make a pro and con list and see what you write.

Most of all.... do what is right for YOU. Don't worry about doing what is right for him. He will take care of himself...and you have another little human to take care of.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Congratulations on the new baby. As a parent of two boys both under the age of seven I remember what a challenge it was to take care of myself first. It really was a one day at a time deal. A friend of mine told me no matter how bad it is now, in a few minutes, it will get better.

I am so gald you are attending face to face alanon meetings. You did not mention whether or not you have a sponsor to talk this over. For me sponsorship is critical because she knows me completely whereas on this board, we only get to know a tiny part of people that share.

Before I made a major decision in my life I would do an inventory on that decision and meet with my sponsor to talk it out. She would give me the direction I needed to help guide me through. I would then make a choice that was in my best interest rather than react to the circumstance at hand.

In support,

Tommye

stopandchat · Senior Member

Thanks for the responses and insight.

I think I do see the writing on the wall. I have for a long time. I'm just having a hard time cutting the cord for good - especially now. Why should he get off with not having to help take care of our new baby? Why shouldn't he be in her life to bond with her? Why shouldn't she have that chance to have her mother and father together? Why can't he look past himself for a minute? The last thing I wanted was to bring my child into this world into a broken home. That's why, all of these months we have been separated, I have been doing everything I can to make this work. My father was never in my life, and I just want something better for my own child.

There have been so many times that I should have left this relationship. So many times. But, I never did. I hung in there with the hope that things would get better. It just really hurts me that my husband doesn't seem to be willing to do the same for us.

danni · Senior Member

Congratulations on your baby. I have a 2 and 5 year old, so I can relate readily to the sleep deprivation and hormonal/emotional fluctuations of early motherhood. Add to that an AH, and I really feel for you. It was so painfully disappointing when my AH (still drinks) didn't do what I thought he should do or I felt alone and burdened with the children, instead of enjoying them more. Thanks to the program, I have learned to be gentle with my children and myself regardless of the choices my husband makes. Sometimes I feel like they're good choices and sometimes not . I am able to enjoy my children and not feel as much resentment when I am shouldering the responsibilities during a hangover, for example. I'm glad for you and your child that your husband is at least in recovery, even though his behavior is erratic right now, and that you are attending face to face meetings and reaching out for more help here. I find MIP very helpful during early morning hours when the rest of the world is asleep, and I'm up with my early bird children. One day at a time. I'm here for you.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Congrats on the baby!! I have always found with my AH that when things that make him uncomfortable emotionally he tends to go into hiding/avoiding mode as well. The lack of sleep the emotional of hormone influx and I found with mine it was worse when I was older having my second child.

I hope you will keep coming back and you will continue to go what is in your best interests for your baby and you as well. I find that goes hand in hand for me.

Hugs and I hope you keep taking care of you by coming here and attending face to face meetings.

P :)

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You asked a lot of those "Why?" questions that do not have any good answer to them. Those questions will haunt you until you accept that it just isn't right that he is acting this way, but there is nothing you can do to change it.

The home you build for you and your daughter IS something you can control. You can take some measures to try and have him contribute financially as you know (child support).

It is very hard for me to accept it when I have questions like "Why does that person get to be irresponsible and I don't?!" In the end, it just reverts back to basic spiritual questions like "Why do bad things happen to good people?" and "Why are there starving children?" We can rail against these things or just do our best to trust God and be part of the solution.

It sounds like you are a really strong woman - but you are not strong enough to turn an apple into an orange (metaphor for turning a person incapable of being a mature and responsible husband and father into being one).

Mark

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I like the ESH you received and when I read back I never said Congratulations! I read out of Courage to Change today Oct 11th pg 285 and it stuck with me all day and if you have the book it could be a good one for you too maybe. You are not alone. I am sending you and your little one love and support on your journeys!

-- Edited by Breakingfree on Monday 21st of November 2011 05:14:50 PM

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.