Help, I'm on rock bottom - Al-Anon Family Group

rara avis · Senior Member

Help, I'm on rock bottom

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh you are sooo going to shoot me, is there a meeting tonight?? When I'm that far down sometimes the only thing that will get me back up is a meeting. It's the face to face stuff that really helps. There are times I just need a physical hug. I don't know if part of your "tools" if you did a gratitude list A - Z puts me right. It gives me something to focus on the positive.

I am so sorry that you are feeling so down, that is a pretty hard place to be, you aren't alone and I'm sending you love and support. This to shall pass, even in the darkest hour there is light.

Hugs P :)

If you can find an alanon speaker podcast to listen to on your computer is a GREAT way to lighten the mood. It either will bring on the tears and that's not a bad thing or the laughter that's good too. :)

-- Edited by Pushka on Sunday 20th of November 2011 03:41:55 PM

-- Edited by Pushka on Sunday 20th of November 2011 03:42:14 PM

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey Rara,

The ebbs and flows of emotions can be difficult at times. The good news is you dont have to do it alone anymore. If there isnt a meeting to get to tonight, have you thought about writing a gratitude list? It helps stretch me beyond my current dismal thoughts to see exactly everything I have in my life.

I am inspired by another post today in that it was Gratitude Month which makes sense with Thanksgiving on the horizon. Perhaps if you can sit down for 30 minutes and write out everything you can possibly think of to be grateful for, then it will lift your spirits. It has always worked for me.

Glad for the topic!

In support,

T

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You can borrow from my self-help tank :) That's what we are here for -

Of course Pushka was right that a meeting is the best thing for you right now. Your peers in alanon are truly like a safety net and alanon is a power greater than yourself just as any God is.

So...your ex-has completely dragged you through hell and you are not sure how to make heads of tails of it. From reading your past posts I would say I would be in a state of being just so emotionally raw and unsure of myself in many ways if I were you. I would feel like I had been traumatized (which you have) and that I couldn't trust my own choices for having exposed myself to such a loon (even though Hindsight is 20/20 and it wasn't your fault - also you describe the ex as a loon so I hope I'm not offending there). Anyway, I guess I'm saying it's normal to be where you are at to a degree. Just put one foot in front of the other and you will start walking tall again in no time. The most important thing to know is you don't have to do this alone and what you feel now will pass.

Mark

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

When I feel really bad I get on my knees and pray I ask Hp to guide me. I was having a bad day a couple of days ago. I spoke to an al anon member felt a little better , but was still struggling, so I rang someone else, a little better. I then read al anon literature for a bit but was still not feeling great although I was moving in the right direction I was fighting to get back to peace serenity bit of happpiness. I went to themeeting that night and left feeling really happy. Sometimes I have to use more than one of my tools but keep on trying because I know the alterative is to sit with my stinking thinking.

hope this helps

hugs tracy xxxx

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I have nothing to add to the already great ESH, so I am sending you love and support on your journey!

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

this too shall pass.
Just cos ya think it, doesn't mean it is real
Lately I have been allowing my self to think it, and obsess about it... obsessing about not obsessing was what I was doing.. that has helped me. When I notice myself in my own head I have been saying.. oh here again are we... ok.. what now? Oh thats a nice thought.. yes think it obsess it.. DONT MAKE THAT A FEELING THAT IS REALITY its just a thought process. Allow it and let it go.

Pinkchip said it all I think

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

sending you love, hugs and support on your journey, and prayers

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Sending you a hug. I want to invite you not to be hard on yourself and accept how you feel.

Its normal after all you have been thru and how hard you have worked at it. When we are empty we need to refuel. We need anti stressors.

For me I do the dishes,mop all kinds of things that are normal when I don't feel normal. I will make myself go to a thrift shop and goof around, snoop.

Are you eating right? Are you drinking lots of water? Sugar, caffeine, nicotine, bad fats can all make ya feel worse.

Its a time for whole foods,nothing white. Make a nice pretty fruit salad, If you eat meat maybe get some deli stuff and spoil yourself. It helps me to have something made so I can just nuke it when I feel empty.

Feel yourself thru it. YES it will get better, never stays the same. But right now you are miserable so give to you what would make you feel better. Be your own best friend and ask yourself what you want.

I love clean sheets and bedding, a good book. Or even a good bad book!

HUGS. if you need real ones yes face to face is perfect.

debilyn

ythannah · Senior Member

When my mind gets on the hamster wheel I usually throw myself into some household project or other -- clean out a closet, rearrange a room, paint, wallpaper, whatever. Then at the end of it I have gained a sense of accomplishment: "Yeah, my mind may be mush, but I can still make my surroundings look nicer!" During one of my ABF's past relapses I managed to paint and wallpaper my bedroom.

I also remind myself that there's no deadline. I don't have to fix me within 24 hours or turn into a pumpkin. It took me years to get this way, it's gonna take some time to unlearn my unhealthy behaviours.

Other times I just have to be kind to myself. This may mean sitting on the couch under a fuzzy blanket watching a silly chick flick, or reading a mindless novel with a mug of hot chocolate. Whatever means "treat" to you, now might be the time to indulge.

danni · Senior Member

Please be gentle with yourself and know that you are not alone! Sending you lots of support.

rara avis · Senior Member

Thanks everybody. I mean it!

It does feel like complete and utter burnout. Literally detaching from my ex has been a metaphorical process of saying "NO" over and over and over again to the expensive point of getting the police and lawyers involved. The logical part of my brain knows that this is likely the result of the usual emotional breakup-up stuff plus chemical crashing from all the adrenaline [ ei: remember when my ex knocked on my door at night ] I'm still in the middle of these shenanigans as the restraining order hearing is on Nov 30th and my ex is asking to be paid for things like garden hoses and a paint roller, among other things. The big kicker is, years ago, I was in therapy for trauma for 8 yrs straight. Pretty much over it, and this isn't a pity party thing, but having my big strong ex acting angry and crazy has REALLY hit a nerve. I feel too pooped to think.

xo
rara avis

Jill · ~*Service Worker*~

I have used this with success. I put "laugh yoga" in the search box for podcasts, downloaded the free ones and listened to part of one. HA - laughing really raised my spirits, even when I felt I had nothing to laugh about. I just wanted to feel better. Even though my situation didn't change, my attitude did. I can do this whenever I need first-aid for my spirit.
In support,
Jill

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Jill, what a great idea. I'd love to give it a try. Thanks for sharing.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I am sure when the judge hears the reality of the situation they will have some things to say to him.

rara avis · Senior Member

That laughter yoga is brilliant! Thanks!! Haha :) yay I love it.

I don't want to start another thread, but for the curious, the latest is my attorney's office gave me a head's up that my ex STILL wants to take me to court, "on principle." What kind of "principle" a man who poops on the floor has, I don't know. Honestly I am tired of kvetching about this, but he is truly being RELENTLESS. He's a nightmare who won't go away and his purpose seems to be to do his best to destroy me. It's taking literally everything I've got to protect myself from this crazy bully. I can't wait to have my life back, it can't come soon enough!

Hm time to visit the laughter yoga site....:)
rara avis

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

What principle? is he disputing the restraining order? Do you have solid proof to back up your side of the story? hmm, ideas - print out your posts here; I hope you saved his messages? I have one from ex that is irrefutable, he threatens my daughter, tells me we should get out of the house, that alone is all the proof I would need. And, bottom line, can you stand before a judge and tell him how scared you are that your RA will hurt you? I can see that you are. Judges will see that as well. Curious though, what does your lawyer advise?

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

likemyheart asked the question I was going to, do you have saved messages? What does your lawyer say?

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with such a mean awful bully!!!! HUGS!!!!

rara avis · Senior Member

I saved all email and text messages starting around late September, which is how I got an emergency protection order and the temporary restraining order. I really didn't have to say anything - his own words condemned him. Since the TRO went into effect he made zero correspondence w/me, barring one note which supposedly was sent right before he was served, but I have doubts due to the content of the letter. Since he has been unable to talk to me w/out getting arrested, he is now pestering my attorney's office with all sorts of requests for petty objects [ my favorite example being tennis balls he bought for the dog ] and money. Of course when he calls them, that is on my dime. We are trying to hash out a restraining order/stay away order agreement, w/a restraining order hearing [ scary! ] on the 30th. He is stalling as he wants the right to drive by my house as long as he isn't stopping. Technically that means he could drive back and forth w/out getting in trouble. I am refusing to concede for obvious reasons.

HOWEVER, despite all restraining order fun, my ex RA wants to take me to court to press charges on me for illegal eviction. This would be a separate issue from the restraining order side of things. We live in a liberal state and technically I was supposed to give the non rent paying ex 30 days notice. For goodness' sake was I supposed to give a man who pooped on the floor 30 days to continue to stay in my house, and while he was angry and upset to boot. In addition to moving his stuff and paying for movers, I have paid for his storage unit. To get him to agree to a restraining order, I am paying further nonsense for things he can't find or has decided I have broken. Regardless of this, he is pushing now to take me to court on the eviction issue.

He has no job and 24/7 to obsess about his "principles." In addition to taking all of my time, he has taken up the time of the police, 2 attorneys, one legal council, and soon to be 3 judges possibly 4. Clearly, kicking him out was the right thing to do. I told him "no contact" and by golly I meant it!!! All I've wanted is for him and his insanity to leave me alone. He has been trying to bash over that line and disrespect my boundaries at every possible opportunity. This is also a lesson in how drawing a boundary AND STICKING TO IT can take incredible stubbornness. The only pride I have at the moment is, no matter what has happened, I have refused to cross that boundary, and boy is it costing me right now.

So sorry for the long post! This is what has been going on for literally 2 months. For anyone who has to kick out an A or RA, you'll know when it's the right thing to do, but brace yourself!! I've also found some humor here : all legal documents and whatnot are stored in a file folder named, " Jackass. " I smile a bit whenever I put something in there ;)

Other practical tidbit: you can apply a restraining order/stay away order to pets, too! This is a wonderful safety measure. Make sure it's written down as a stipulation. And google, " dealing with bullies" or something similiar regarding bullies. Very interesting.

You guys have been an island of sanity while I fight for my serenity. God bless you all! xo
rara avis

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