Loved one has never sought help. Do I leave? - Al-Anon Family Group

seeking wisdom · Newbie

Loved one has never sought help. Do I leave?

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Seeking Wisdom,

I encourage you to attend an alanon meeting, until the veil of anger and confusion lift. It sounds trite and yes the drum is beat in all hours of the night and day. At least for me making decisions that are not based on reactions of the moment. For me that's where my emotions are controlling what I do, my emotions are not a place i make choices from.

No one else can tell you what to do or not do in your situation. Only you know what your motives are for making a decision. I really do encourage you to start a program of recovery (and continue regardless of the outcome of your relationship with your A). This isn't an isolated incident for you as you have indicated in previous posts. It wouldn't or couldn't hurt to find out why do you continue to repeat similar patterns. I'm making an observational statement no judgement attached. I know from my own past is stick me in a room of 100 men and 2 are addicts I will find the 2 that are addicts and start a relationship with one of them. So for me this program is not about if my A continues to drink or not it's all about ME getting healthy.

Hugs P :)

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Alanon will teach you to focus on yourself here. What about you? Seriously - What about you? It sounds like you have worries about her, about her alcoholism, about her history with addicts....All this concern about her her her her.... What about you?

It seems (and I reserve the right to be wrong) that you have serious reservations about the relationship, don't trust her, and that you want to assuage that by getting some sign that you can control her...which you cannot. SO...what are YOU going to do about YOUR feelings? YOUR uneasiness and YOUR lack of trust?

I don't mean this to come out blunt or unfeeling. Your concerns are legit but you are not the one that gets to decide if, how, and when she needs "help." She is. You expressed your concerns and you are powerless over what she does. This is step 1 in alanon. You are powerless over her drug or alcohol use (and powerless over all other people, places, and things). If you were not interested in learning this, I guess you wouldn't have come to a 12 step site.

Now....If only I had as easy a time living what I just wrote.

Supporting you (really I am)

Mark

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

seeking wisdom wrote:
Part of me wants to just withdraw, say goodbye if she chooses not to pursue support. Part of me wants to offer support if she does. Is that an ultimatum?

Hi Again Seeking Wisdom

In reading your posting and focusing on the last sentence Part of me wants to walk away part of me wants to stay if she seeks help really jumped out at me.

This is exactly how I felt and it confused my decision making for many years. This type of thinking gives false hope to ourselves and mixed messages to our partners.

You are deeply concerned over her alcohol use and past behavior She says that she sees no problem and has never sought help.

You are again trying to point out what is obvious to you but( in her state of denial ) it is not obvious and is upsetting to her. Alanon says Stay or Go--- just remember you are powerless over her addiction So many addicts agree to "Do Something" about their addiction because their partner forces the issue--and -more often than not these efforts fail.

She must think know and feel her pain before she will seek help. Right now alcohol and drugs are her Friends. Just as Cigarettes were mine. Anyone who suggests that you dump a friend who has been there when all else failed will not be heard and will be rejected.

You really need to focus on what you need and what you want. What you need and want cannot be that

she change because that is impossible for you to accomplish We can only change ourselves and adjust our expectation. Your needs could be a: healthy successful relationship with a partner who is an equal and who wants to build a future together. We should have common goals and wants and be compatible.

Attending alanon meetings for a few months before making any drastic changes to your lifestyle will give you more clarity.

Good Luck

PS I had a medical scare and did stop smoking on my terms what I wanted to

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

When I am unsure, life results and Alanon have taught me to do nothing until I am more ready. When I step back, time as been a friend even when it felt like it wasn't.

Check your motives. Setting a boundary for yourself is not an ultimatum. Setting a boundary with the intent of forcing a solution or trying to control someone else's outcome is an ultimatum. Boundaries are something that makes sense for your self-preservation and that you would be able to follow through; they actually have little to do with the other person.

I have found that ultimatums rarely work, as they are about someone else and beyond our control.

Glad you are here.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

If you are unsure of doing something Al-anon teaches Don't. It is good not to be reacting and feeling rushed or pressured, take the time to be sure of your decisions. I have never had an ultimatum work out for me, but a boundary is a different thing to keep yourself from unacceptable behavior and make sure if you make oneyou can stick to it. I am sending you love and support on your journey.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I have no idea how one would know the facts of her last two relationships.I mean if she told you why are you telling her about it?

What she choosed to do is her business, not anyone elses. We cannot do anything. We cannot control anyone but ourselves.

We either accept people as they are, or we don't, and try to have a normal relationship that leads to a horrible life. Becuz all ya do is cont. to try to control them.l

Or we attend Al Anon and learn tools on how to live and let live, staying on our own path and not even asking about their problems.

No they do not need our support. We cannot give them anything. What we can do is work on us so whatever their problem is does not tear us up. Some feel so guilty about how their disease or problem messes us up.

Look at what you just wrote. You are not even physically together and her situation is making you sick!

Believe me, she knows what she needs and it is up to HER to decide. If we push them or even bring it up, and they go get help, it does NO good. They have to be ready all by themselves. The best thing we can do is stay out of it.

Hey if it would work to get them to get help, I would arrange to have my AH kidnapped, brought up here, chained up somehow so he could not leaveMake it so he could not break anything. I would feed him healthy food, have AA literature everywhere. have the meds for detox. I have a friend who is a doctor who would guide me.

I have thought about this a thousand times. But it was have my son take him for a drive to go fishing and I would have a camp ready in the mountains with handcuffs and chains. son would stop to say hi, he would be drunk, I would get handcuffs on him. Believe me once he and I were talking and he said you could never get them on me. I said look at your wrist. I already had it on him.

BUT soon as he was sober, even feeling better, and talking Al anon, soon as he got to town he would be buying a bottle. HE was not ready.

you can no more stop a river, than tell someone else what to do and expect good results.

I am very glad you keep coming. You are really paying attention and looking at this situation wisely.

Even if she is not an A, all the Al Anon skills will still work. hugs,debilyn

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.