He's never left before - Al-Anon Family Group

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He's never left before

Very Very Tired · Senior Member

It is scary when they walk out.

My AH has walked out. Before Al-Anon, I would cry and beg for him not to leave. I would call and check on him.

Now, I turn on the house alarm, lock the doors and go to bed. Or, if it is early in the day, I take the kids for ice cream. For my AH, he eventually comes back home after a few hours.

What has helped me is seeing AH's action as a 3-year old tantrum. The 3-year old lays on the floor of the grocery store throwing a fit because he didn't get what he wanted. If I ignore it and wait until the tantrum is finished with no response from me, we can go on with our day.

I know it is hard. I have also had moments when I thought AH might hurt himself. The best advice I received is that if I was truly worried then I needed to call the police and let them find him. When I felt that AH wasn't in immediate danger but I was still concerned, I called his therapist (when was still in therapy) and said I thought AH was suicidal because he has said "XYZ."

I know. It hurts. I've been there.

-- Edited by Very Very Tired on Saturday 19th of November 2011 11:54:00 PM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I remember I had to learn to picture him in HP's hands. I had to believe no matter what happened everything will be allright.

It's hard not to be concerned, however I had to learn that no use to think about that which I could not control.

I just watched a movie and the guy said,"Why talk about what I cannot control?"

Well we vent. which is very ok. Just found it weird to hear that on a movie.

I would act like I always did, lock the doors, set the alarm, go to my room and read and go to sleep.

After awhile I learned he just went to his mommies house. He just wanted to go where he could use and no one would care one way or the other. I never complained about it, but he felt so guilty. He never ever drank in front of me.

I am sad he relapsed. But it is not the end of the world! He may decided to get right back on his program, he may not. But he is still the same guy. Relapse is a real possibility for an A. It has to be frustrating.

Most the time they are ok. I hope he comes home and is alright.

Love,debilyn

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

You're doing what you can do and that is taking care of you and your child. You removed yourself and child away from the drinking. You also re-read parts of Getting Them Sober.

I recall re-reading that book when my husband was actively drinking. It did soothe my mind somewhat. I had to keep re-reading the entire book and contemplate it to really "get it." It takes times to accept and change our ways to reacting to the disease.

Actually, I finally stopped reacting to the disease - that is, having knee-jerk reactions (always doing something to try to control him). I gradually learned to respond, not react. I began to think and then decide which action to take.

Sometimes, as in your specific situation, there is no other suitable response other than to take care of yourself and child.

Only your husband can choose to change. He will if and when he has had enough. It was quite difficult to accept this fact.

I hope you are getting support. Perhaps you are going to Al-Anon meetings. If not, I do urge you to consider going and giving meetings a try. It's so difficult to deal with this on your own. I did for far too long needless.

I'm glad you reached out and posted.

Take good care, Gail

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

What I have found is that I could not prevent them from leaving or keep them safe as they are coming home. I too realized they were a danger to themselves and others for which I was completely powerless over.

I had to do what was best for my children which is lock the doors and go to bed. Often I had to pray myself to sleep because I was just a head case filled with worry. My sponsor helped me with this and gave me things to do to be able to let go of the outcome so I could get some sleep at night. The truth is I needed my sleep to be able to parent my young children. When I was sleep deprived, I had nothing to give to me or my family.

Take care of yourself first, and let God handle the rest. God stays up all night so we dont have to.

In support,

T

Jadie · Veteran Member

I think you have acted admirably, well done.

Leaving, disappearing..... is all part of the disease. Don't take it personally.

With practice I gradually learned not to project, it used up the energy I should have applied to myself. It is only in nurturing myself, my needs, my serenity, that I am able to find the strength to do the next right thing for me.

Im sure setting your alarm, locking the doors and letting go of things you are powerless over can only help in calming your mind.

Your husband is the only one who has any control over his disease and it is for him to own any and all consequences.

Glad you are here, keep coming back

Love & support

Jadie x

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs,

Just wanted to send support and love, some days are much easier than others it's a day by day deal.

Hugs P :)

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Lots of good ESH. Just remember he is the one the relapsed and not you. Also, you wrote about worrying if you wouldn't want him to come back later. Well...worrying about how you might feel about something in the future is wasted energy. Stay in the now. I guess part of that consists of acknowledging you currently are safe. You protected your child well. Your higher power is with you.

Mark

nyc018 · Senior Member

I'm sorry you're going through this. It is incredibly nerve wracking, as I know. My AH has walked out several times, once all night, and I was worried sick. When he did I just reminded myself he is an adult, I can't be responsible for him. I could only be responsible for myself and my child, and that's what you are being. I'm also glad you had Getting Them Sober - I wish I had known about it back then. It has helped me at very difficult times.
I know what a tough time it is, but the dark times don't last forever. Sending you a lot of esh and support.

sookie · Senior Member

I understand what you are going through first hand as well and it sounds like you handled it in the best way possible (I definitely didn't always do that) The aftermath of anxiety and worry is brutal. Prayer helped me as well as "Live and Let Live" I would envision my AH walking into the arms of his own higher power for care so that I could be free to take care of my self--it felt like a weight was lifted from me and I could focus on my two small children, too. It is ROUGH and I wish you some peace.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi there, it sounds like you handled it very well. My exAH left me so many times. Now that I am in Al-anon and working on my self I see so much of the disease that covered us all. I am sending you love and support and hoping you are able to make it to some face to face meetings.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha and I am also sending love and support...what you have done in response and the ESH you are getting from the board is almost exactly how I was mentored in Al-Anon recovery. I remember my alcoholic wife on one "leaving" traveling 150+ miles away from home and I dutifully followed in that direction and just by pure luck found her and then what??? I had no plan and was tired and done. I'm grateful for the love and support of the fellowship and the persistant loyalty they showed me to working it because it worked. As Debbie suggested...picture him in God's hands and then let go. Good work!! ((((hugs)))) smile

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