The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. I will take it above and beyond all the others. I spend days making the dinner from scratch because *I* love to do it. For me, it's like painting a masterpiece as I find the perfect ingredients and assemble them into dishes of love.
Yet, there is this nagging part of me that is resentful about Thanksgivings past. Last Thanksgiving was the first time I realized AH was drinking a case of beer in a day. Last Thanksgiving was the first time I found the hidden bottle of Southern Comfort AH kept stashed in a back basement cabinet.
The Thanksgiving before that I had just told AH to move out (we went through an 8 month seperation then got back together when I believed his promises with the depth of my denial). I had just found out about his first affair. I was a blubbering basket case. AH asked so gently if he could spend Thanksgiving with us. Of course, I said yes.
The Thanksgiving before the seperation, AH had just started his affair that it took me a year to figure out. That night he gave me the "are we really meant to be together" speech.
Yet, each one of those holidays, I roasted our pumpkins, made our pie crusts, created our stuffing. I do it because it keeps me grounded and centered. I do it because I love to paint my masterpiece.
Though I love creating the dinner, the last 3 Thanksgivings I have ended up in tears by the end of the evening. I don't want to cry this year. I want AH to fit into my Norman Rockwell version of what I think he should be for Thanksgiving. He won't though.
I want serenity this Thanksgiving. Hey, HP, can I get a large helping of serenity next to my mashed potatoes, please? Hold the resentments and the hurts. Please, for one holiday, can it be good one?
Sending love and support, it's never easy to try and not have some kind of expectations for when the holidays hit. Based upon what you shared lady this one will be better if no other reason you have a program behind you and the support of those who understand.
Hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
You have awareness and acceptance. Now the action will flow from that. You know what you like and you know what are your pitfalls. I think you are on the way to having a good life. Throw all your expectations out the window and enjoy the moments that you have.
I can totally relate because I too had the same holiday expectations and memories from the past that were eating my lunch today. What really helped me was when I finally began working on my 4th step with a sponsor followed by sharing my 5th step. Then of course, finishing the remaining steps. Sharing those memories with her and going through each one helped to lesson the power they had over me. Gradually over time those memories were so far from the forefront of my mind the feelings of hurt and disappointment were no longer there.
Today I am able to enjoy my holidays with my family even if they are drinking. I stick close to the alanon program and my sponsor for support, guidance and strength. Afterall, this too shall pass.
The Norman Rockwell version of things may be nice sometimes....but I look back on all the Thanksgivings I can remember and I am glad for the wacky ones, the rough ones, the awesome ones, the ones with my family, the ones with others' families....
If you always are chasing some ideal that makes it hard to enjoy what actually is.
It also seems you have done a lot of work in alanon this year and not much is going to take you by surprise even if you have some disappointments.
Thank you for the reminder that something IS different this year: ME. I have almost 11 months of Al-Anon recovery under my belt.
This year I know I don't have to accept the unacceptable. I know I can choose to have my AH be a part of the celebration as I stay detached, or I can tell him to leave if the situation warrants.
I have boundaries this year. I'm not the doormat that will lay down and let anyone walk all over me for the sake of a perfect Thanksgiving.
And, if things get really bad, if the day gets too overwhelming, I have a wonderful sponsor who I know will answer my call and talk me through the day.
I was reminded of Thanksgivings even further past when I got a phone call from my mom yesterday. It was the typical Thanksgiving conversation we have had since I can remember. She is in tears because Thanksgiving isn't going like she imagined (I was raised in a non-alcoholic but highly co-dependent family). My brothers aren't speaking to each other and both invited her to dinner (they live several hundred miles from me, so I won't be there for T-Day). Mom wants the family together. I told her to go enjoy both dinners and let my brothers deal with their own argument.
Afterward, I realized I was well on my way to being like my mom and crying over what I thought were failed Thanksgivings. I'm stopping that cycle. That isn't the road I want to take. I want to be healthy and thankful for the beautiful moment, regardless of what it looks like.
I'm with you!! Last Thanksgiving (well, a few days before) was my husband's DWI. But I look back at the year and I am in a healthier place emotionally thanks to Al-Anon. Lots to be grateful for
I like what pinkchip had to say. You received great ESH and I too am accepting Thanksgiving as it comes this year and not my expectations of it every year. It does keep me from enjoying what is here and now and I am working on this currently. I like this share it has already helped me to grow! Sending you all love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
