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My younger sister has had a four year stint with alcohol, until recently our family has come to our final straw and she received her first DUI at the same time (good timing). She has a 9 year old daughter as well. She has not been working in over a month and will leave her home prior to going to detox then rehab. Our family is not sure how much to help her when she gets out (financially) she will be pennyless and homeless. We decided to gather money for first month rent/deposit while she finds employment. Her daughter will stay with my mom while she is gone. She lost her drivers liscence and lives in a farely rural area with no busing system (many rides required).
Some say they should clean up the mess they got themselves in, while my opinion is to help her minimally to get her going on her own. We do not want to be enablers, but we will do anything to help her get and stay sober and a good life for her daughter. HELP
I cannot tell you what is right or wrong for this situation. Sometimes with an alcholic, doing the right thing has no effect and they may relapse regardless. It is true that enabling kills alcoholics - BUT - I generally believe that it is okay to help a person whom you see is busy helping themselves. You will have to make that determination as to whether she is really embracing recovery and working at it versus whether she will just give you lip service.
I am so sorry that your sister is suffering from this dreadful disease and am glad that she is reaching out for help.
Attending alanon face to face meetings and posting here is a great step in helping yourself and family toward a life filled with more peace and recovery from the effects of this disease.
I would suggest that talking to your sister's rehab councilor would be a first step in knowing how you can help her recovery . She may need sober living arrangements or another alternative living for a time.
Keep coming back here you are so worth it.
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 19th of November 2011 11:35:52 AM
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 19th of November 2011 11:36:40 AM
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 19th of November 2011 11:37:40 AM
I am just over dealing with loosing a license for a year with my AH. It was a difficult time because like your sister we live rural and there are no bus systems. Unlike your sister though there was no program of recovery and my AH is the sole supporter of the family. He has always worked.
Looking back I can see I was right where I needed to be and I wasn't ready to take some of the steps I really needed to take, I got there it just took some time, so that being said take what you like or take nothing at all this is my own situation.
It took me another 3 months after him loosing his license for me to get to alanon. If I could change one thing that would be it. I found a life line of support when I had to make some hard choices for me. They really weren't that big in the big scheme of things however backing away from my AH's DUI was the best thing I could do. It was the HARDEST and I still struggle a little, his DUI isn't done yet. My part is JUST about over and I want it to be over before the end of the year. I know he's not going to be happy about that. Every situation is different and in my case any financial support that was given was a detriment to my AH getting treatment. It's sad to say however it's the truth. If your sister is really working her program that's totally different than someone who is not. There's a lot to be said for support and then silently telling someone they screwed up so bad they will never figure out things for themselves. Everyone deserves the dignity and respect to be given love and support they need and at the same time be encouraged. The biggest change I went through was learning to support where it wouldn't hurt me or hurt my AH. He wound up finally getting himself rides to and from work, there were times he needed a ride and I was happy to give it. (ok .. 3am .. not so happy .. lol .. I did it though I tried not to grumble, ok .. I didn't do a great job of that .. lol.) The more self sufficient he became the better of a person he became and the more even I relearned how to respect him. My perception of him has changed .. I am grateful for the DUI because it has given me an opportunity to see my AH through different glasses and not the glasses that had him pigeon holed that he couldn't do anything for himself. The one thing I could count on was the proverbial shoe would drop it was a matter of when and I spent way to much time trying to prevent it from hitting the floor. It didn't work.
I really encourage you to find a face to face meeting and hear how others are supporting their A's as they walk the line of sobriety and how it affects the whole family and changes the whole family dynamic. Those of us who aren't the addicts do become collateral damage at some point.
Hugs and welcome, P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I remember a post here a while ago quoting a sign in a park that said "Do not feed the animals. You will destroy their natural instincts for survival." -- to me, that's become my definition of enabling.
If you feed a squirrel, it stops foraging for food on its own, and you have harmed it. If you splint a squirrel's broken leg, you are *not* keeping it from splinting its own broken leg, because squirrels can't do that -- so it's OK to help in that way.
When dealing with my own sister, asking myself the question "Could she do this for herself?" usually helps me draw the line between helping and enabling.
Thanks for the suggestions, I have read so many different things its hard to know to what is right. One thing I read stated that an alcoholic fresh out of rehab being pushed nagged and prodded to get a job, home etc can create extreme bouts of anxiety (just like it would for any nonalcoholic) and is the most common reason they relapse. It suggests to help them with basic needs and give them time to re-enter reality, and dealing with reality day by day taking sobriety seriously under more relaxed cirumstances is better than extreme pressure. I do like the post form Atheos, that makes perfect sense, but when she has no where to go and/or a sober living facility? Our family is giving this gift of one month rent/deposit so she has time to recreate her life only as long as she stays in rehab for the reuired period of time, and seeks outpatient treatment on return. It feels right but there is small part of me that thinks this might be to easy for her and she should face the nightmare she created in humility, so she will never return to it. Tough to say but she REALLY has no where to go.
Although she is in the grip of addiction, she has choices, but her daughter has fewer. I myself would definitely make a plan so that her daughter is cared for, is not living in a car or under a bridge, and so on. I would imagine that poor girl is scared out of her wits, though she may not show it. Your sister may stay on the straight and narrow or may relapse -- no one can predict -- but I'd have a plan in place for the daughter in case she relapses. A more stable childhood may keep her from going down the same road. I hope you all have some meetings to get to too -- no one should have to go through this without support.
Some say they should clean up the mess they got themselves in
Going to rehab is not a 'cure' for alcoholism and she may very well still be searching for her 'bottom' after getting out. Cleaning up after herself may be what she needs to decide to not want to return here.
I think everyone has a different feeling about what is "help" and what is "enabling". Whatever you decide to give, give it with no strings and no expectations. That will help you think hard about what you want to give. Consider that when you give it, it is gone. You have no say over how it is used. Your sister may decide to clean up her act, or she may not have hit her bottom yet. Don't feel guilty if you give a lot or if you give a little. She really has to proove herself to you that she is trustworthy.
The only one who needs to be cared for is her 9 yr old daughter. She needs lot of support to have a normal life at this stage.
You have to do what is right for you . If you choose to supply rent for a short period of time that is your business no one has a right to tell you what to do . Boundaries work, be specific for the length of time your prepared to support her and stick to it. Give with no expectations of being paid back and be careful you dont develop a resentment if you choose to help.
The best help I know to give is to help myself first before doing for others. I have found when I helped my sister who had a cocaine problem was that my help was not welcomed nor wanted. Only cold hard cash was the thing that she wanted to hang on to. Today she is sober and has been for quite awhile but that was not from my doing. When I take a step back and focus on changing what I can in my attitude and in my world, she gets the dignity and grace to clean up her own mess.
