Is attack mode a typical response to being confronted? - Al-Anon Family Group

seeking wisdom · Newbie

Is attack mode a typical response to being confronted?

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

(((seeking))) From my own experience I would say this is typical alcoholic behavior. When they are in denial of their own problems with alcohol, the alcoholic will attempt to justify their actions by any means possible. This will include lieing, blaming others, manipulation, etc. Don't take it personally. He is doing what he believes he has to do to continue doing what he thinks he has to do (drink). The best thing you can do is to educate yourself about this cunning, baffling disease. Read the posts and replies here. Get to an AlAnon meeting. There are meetings online at this site if you can't make it to a face-to-face meeting. Most of all - know you are not alone. There are so many people here who have been/ are where you are. Please keep coming back. There is so much wisdom and love to be found here.

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, this is typical behavior. Don't take it personal. Keep remembering that you didn't cause it. No matter what he says. No matter what reason he gives as to "why" he drinks. Everyone always wants to know why they drink....tired, depressed, angry, bored, excited.... it doesn't matter. They drink for all those reasons and a whole lot more. They just drink. They are addicted to drinking. You can say nothing right, and yes, you are on the defensive. In AlAnon we urge you to keep the focus on yourself. These "talks" you have with him are just constantly hitting your head against a brick wall. Take care of yourself.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

From my experience being raise in the disease and as a former therapist it is normal. "They" have thoughts and feelings and spirit also...all under the influence of alcohol. Alcohol is a liquid depressant if he acts that way the chemical and the disease is taking its normal course. Being powerless over the affects of alcohol causes anger, guilt, self resentment, shame etc etc. He'd like to be normal and is normally not what he would like to be. Soooo he is on the same "concern" page that you are and defensive because he has no answers, is filled with denial and if like me oppositionally defiant. What a temporary mess!!! It is temporary and what you can do is look for the hotline number for Al-Anon in your area and get the place and times we get together there and come join us if you already have not. Leave him to his voices and come take care of yours.

I like what maryjane and pineapple shared with you too. Keep coming back...listen, learn, practice, practice, practice. ((((hugs)))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

She is acting insane which is totally typical when an A is in active drinking mode.

But I also do not even believe it was ethical for a "social worker" to diagnose someone as they did. Plus there is NO way they could do it properly by whatyou shared!

I don't think I would be very happy if someone shared things about me to some social worker I had never met, and gave me a diagnosis. lol

But this is all from my experience. I remember my AH hated it when I would be online talking about him,I mean like what he was building etc. He would say these people don't even know me!

you are very wise to ask questions and think about what you are getting yourself into. I have emailed and talked to people who have moved to other countries who were stuck with the A!!!

hugs,very glad you came back! debilyn

rrib · Senior Member

yup

danni · Senior Member

When I received a newcomer's packet at the first meeting I attended, I found the answers to many of the questions you have. I think it would be very helpful if you could get to a face to face meeting for even more experience, strength, and hope. What you described does sound typical to me, and your self described defensiveness is sounding VERY familiar to how I used to react to my AH. Al Anon has taught me how to detatch from all the drama, accusations, and denial which serve to help the alcoholic keep the focus off him or herself and the drinking. Keep coming back! Take care.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes that is typical. People who drink too much (problem drinkers/alcoholics - whatever you want to call them) do so because they want to escape feelings. When confronted, you have forced the person into having strong emotions and that is one of the things they have the most problems with.

I don't want anyone to think this is a suggestion to never call out an alcoholic on their own negative behavior. This is an explanation in my mind but not an excuse for alcoholics lashing out. I do not think alcoholics should be tiptoed around because they have problems handling their emotions.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm with Pink on the confrontation issue on all fronts, it has been my experience sober or drunk when confronting my qualifier they react with intense anger. It's because how dare I bring up something he desperately wants to bury. I find walking on eggshells is not the answer (at one point the list of what we could and couldn't talk about the could was literally 1 item the kids and the couldn't was EVERYTHING else) and bulls on confrontation isn't either (rationalizing with an irrational person is just not a good way to go). The fact my A chooses not to cope isn't my issue. I go in the mode of what are my motives (am I trying to control), is the behavior unacceptable (verbal abuse is not ok, misplaced anger is not ok those are my boundaries). Even though my A is dry at the moment, he will lash out if I hit a nerve. I got tired of walking through the mind field I didn't even know I was in. Now at least I know I'm there so if I step on one my bad at the same time oh well. Honestly I think that is kind of normal, no one likes to be called a duck when they are acting like a duck. I don't get into it with him over how the legal system has wronged him, when he takes his delusional trip down his memory lane I let him go down the road I set up a clear road block on my side and let him know what my truth is and that he's welcome to his perception. It's not a road I'm willing to go down.

Oh good grief I had a point .. lol .. bottom line is I believe what I see NOT what I am told. I find the blowing up only serves as deflection (in dealing with my personal situation) so I stick to the facts and what I see while leaving out what I'm told. I can make better decisions and I don't take personally what he has or hasn't told me.

Hugs P :)

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I guess the social worker did not tell you that there is generally a backlash to those kinds of actions.

I would highly recommend the book Getting them Sober.

Keep posting.

Maresie.

ythannah · Senior Member

Yes, it's typical. The disease acts to protect itself at all times so denial, minimizing and blame are normal reactions to perceived threats.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Seeking Wisdom,

Yes, I can see how the evaluation would not be well received. For me a similar situation comes to mind because I think those that struggle with alcoholism know deep in their hearts they have a problem. Taking a spot light out and shining it upon them usually is met with fierce resistance.

What works for me is to focus on my recovery in Alanon. I know I cannot stop or control another persons drinking. All I can do is continue to be open to the lessons and wisdom in the rooms of alanon and incorporate that into my world. Using the tools of alanon and the wisdom of my sponsor within my family has changed it for the better. That is what keeps me going back to meetings, being sponsored because it works for me when I work it.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.