my night out was last night - Al-Anon Family Group

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

my night out was last night

Tracey C · Senior Member

Hi Linda,

I've been thinking of you. I'm glad you had a good night out. That's what counts. You went!!!!!

Tracey

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Linda what RRRRRRRRRRRRR you doing???? lol

What happened to his smoking is none of our business? Remember the choices?

we either keep doing the same, arguing, trying to control, making us both miserable.

or we learn whether they use or not is not our concern, its not our business to question or wonder about. We accept them as is becuz we choose to live with them. We don't try to control as it is impossible as grabbing stars from the sky!!!

they are adults and have the right to make their own decisions.

IF we cannot live with them how they are, we can leave or they can.

IF you are choosing to stay and want to use Al anon tools to do so. We do not question them at all. We learn not to look for if they are high or down or anything. Do you look at his teeth to see if he brushed that day? Did you check if he wore deoderant? They deserve to have their integrity the same as we do and not be questioned.

If we cannot accept anyone for who they are, then what makes us be around them?I mean friends, family anyone.

It's not fair to him to be badgered and have someone in his business.

What if he said I don't like your dogs? I want them outside. There is hair everywhere if they are wet it smells like wet dog in here.I am sure you would not put them out. How would you feel if he came home every day and said, do you have the dogs in here?Were they on the bed?

You feel indignant as they are your dogs, you love animals and he knew that when he married you. There is NO way he could control you over that. NO MORE than us trying to change them and their choices.

I don't pussy foot around. In AA they don't either.

I don't mind repeating at all. As I need repeating too also when I am off my path. So get back on your path girl!

You were on it then ya went wonky and fell onto your old one.

Do you want a happy relationship with him? In order to do that we need to accept as is.

I told you I learned to be happy with AH no matter what. If he was being obnoxious I left the room and did something else. was pleasant, kissed him goodnight. the smell did not bother me, I appreciated his body there.

You have been thru some bad relationships.This guy is very good for you and too you as YOU have shared. NO one is perfect. So darlin ya either take him as is and BELIEVE the 3 C's or make you both miserable, or sy a nar a baby.

huggen ya, debilyn

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

Debilyn, all I can say is
I am not yet perfect, but man I have improved beyond belief

Tracey C · Senior Member

Oh my!!! That sounded a bit harsh Debilyn. Everyone makes mistakes, well, at least I know I do.

Tracey

peacewithin · Veteran Member

It will come. For me it came to me after 31 years (and i'm still married and its 33 yrs.)
He said he would not drink and more He drinks beer. 20-30 a night and then goes to
work in the morning. Any way I went into the garage to get a soda out of the frig
here it was full of beer. I went crazy. I got a knife from the the kitchen and went at the
beer cans in that frig. He came out and tried to stop me I was so angry I and wanted
that control. I felt like stabbing him we argued with the knife still in my hand. Now I know how a woman can get to that point of killing there spouses. I'm not thatkind of person never in my life thought I would get pushed to that point. Step 1 : I AM POWERLESSStep 2: Power greater than myself restored me to sanity Step 3: Turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him I gave up and quit controling. Not that I don't Nag and Wine once in awhile but we don't argue any more about his stuff. Good luck it will come.

-- Edited by peacewithin on Saturday 19th of November 2011 06:25:00 AM

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

Debilyn wrote:
Linda what RRRRRRRRRRRRR you doing???? lol
What happened to his smoking is none of our business? Remember the choices?
we either keep doing the same, arguing, trying to control, making us both miserable.
or we learn whether they use or not is not our concern, its not our business to question or wonder about. We accept them as is becuz we choose to live with them. We don't try to control as it is impossible as grabbing stars from the sky!!!
they are adults and have the right to make their own decisions.
IF we cannot live with them how they are, we can leave or they can.
IF you are choosing to stay and want to use Al anon tools to do so. We do not question them at all. We learn not to look for if they are high or down or anything. Do you look at his teeth to see if he brushed that day? Did you check if he wore deoderant? They deserve to have their integrity the same as we do and not be questioned.
If we cannot accept anyone for who they are, then what makes us be around them?I mean friends, family anyone.
It's not fair to him to be badgered and have someone in his business.
What if he said I don't like your dogs? I want them outside. There is hair everywhere if they are wet it smells like wet dog in here.I am sure you would not put them out. How would you feel if he came home every day and said, do you have the dogs in here?Were they on the bed?
You feel indignant as they are your dogs, you love animals and he knew that when he married you. There is NO way he could control you over that. NO MORE than us trying to change them and their choices.
I don't pussy foot around. In AA they don't either.
I don't mind repeating at all. As I need repeating too also when I am off my path. So get back on your path girl!
You were on it then ya went wonky and fell onto your old one.
Do you want a happy relationship with him? In order to do that we need to accept as is.
I told you I learned to be happy with AH no matter what. If he was being obnoxious I left the room and did something else. was pleasant, kissed him goodnight. the smell did not bother me, I appreciated his body there.
You have been thru some bad relationships.This guy is very good for you and too you as YOU have shared. NO one is perfect. So darlin ya either take him as is and BELIEVE the 3 C's or make you both miserable, or sy a nar a baby.
huggen ya, debilyn

@Linda, I understand the feeling of walking into the reek of it, YUCK!!!! It's not about perfect, it's about progress, and moving forward from this

@ Debilyn I so needed this reminder too. I can either accept, or not, but I am not going to mother, act as warden or boss. I'm learning, and working to understand what I can and can not accept. Thank you Debilyn!

Jadie · Veteran Member

He's an addict, doing what addicts do.

He is not expressing any wish to abstain or work a recovery programme, he is happy with his lot. Yes, he will agree to some of your boundaries, why not, costs him nothing. BUT.......... nothing will change because HE doesn't it want to, why should it.....he has a lovely wife, a comfortable roof over his head, money in his pocket, everything in his garden is rosy.....sure he gets niggled about his habit....sure he may push a boundary a bit.....but hey, he's a good guy right?..... not doing anyone any harm.....is he?

We are on the outside looking in, always on the outside looking for crumbs of hope.

I couldn't accept the unacceptable, in the end it was like a festering sore that I kept on picking at till it bled.....no matter what I did to try to get on with my own life as long as the addiction was active I couldn't stop pick pick picking. The addiction just became more entrenched.

I deserved better but it took me a long time to realise it.

Wishing you support on your journey, as you are finding out.....it works if we work it.

((((hugs))))

Jadie x

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

All your realizations are on the money Linda. I can also understand how it was difficult for you to venture out on your own (something your husband wants) and then he supports you by smoking up the house and leaving it reeking when you get home from this somewhat shaky venture. I do see how the situation would be maddening for you. I can see how you can down play it, not take it so personally, and detach for your own serenity also (the way your wrote after realizing how you acted).

Only you can decide if you can take his substance abuse or not. I guess the goal is to not waver back and forth so much that you are in a state of inner turmoil all the time. If you have truly given up power over his substance abuse and recognize you are powerless, why keep taking your will back?

You know that none of the arguing, put downs, complaints will change his using. Every time you run into a challenging situation you cannot control - spend the energy that you used to spend arguing and do something nice for yourself.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Linda YES you have come a long ways, I have seen that. I am by NOOOOO means perfect.

I have learned in my older person that sometimes I need a kick in the bum. I need a hard question.

Even said I don't mind repeating, as I need someone to remind me too,lots of times. So no,not hard on YOU at all.

If you are heading over a cliff, after being encouraged to stay on the path, I am NOT one to pussy foot around!

I hope by now you know how much I care for you and how proud I am of you. If I didn't feel you could take it, I would not have said it like I did.

I wish I had one person who cared about me enough to say bs debilyn what are you doing?????

Hugs pretty lady, debilyn

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

I like to focus on the postive, it sounds like you had a great time. I am glad you went Linda and do so hope you make plans for another girls night out.

Best,

T

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Linda,

Sounds like you had a great time!!

Lighten up on yourself and give up on being perfect, unless it's perfectly imperfect :) .. none of us ever get to the perfect stage. I'd be a little scared if someone actually did talk about pressure!! :)

It's always back to progress not perfection.

Hugs P :)

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

Personally, I was proud that I went, proud that I did not just leave two mintues before the show was due to start, I went out to dinner first, proud that I did not tell him what to do or not to do before I left, proud I didnt try to manipulate it so he felt guilty for not coming with me, proud that I did not look at the clock and tighten up inside trying to work out how stoned he was right now, I just enjoyed being with my friend and was int he moment with the show.

I was triggered when I walked in the house. It is the first time that has happened that I have smelt it in the house like that. I probably went about it the wrong way but I told him that I didn't like that and next time, he was not to do that in a closed up house.

Yes I could have done it better..... but on reflection.... I did not carry it on for days on end, I did not make a federal case out of it later. I did not 'sit down and have a talk' and make it last longer than it had to.

I know on Sunday he wanted to have a smoke and he didn't. I can see when he 'wants' one. He looked at me and I knew what he wanted. I didn't say anything, we watched a movie instead. He didn't smoke. I feel he is respecting my boundaries and with that I can be alot calmer and feel safer.

Personally I think things are going well. At this stage, I believe I was confronted and I reacted. My progress I believe outweighs that bit, but yes I agree, I do have to keep looking at it and reflecting on it and getting better. Maybe next time it will be better.

It was the first time I have done that sort of thing in years .... actually.... I can't even remember the last time I would have done something like that... went out without my partner at night when he had nothing else planned (unless it was a work thing and I had to). I even left my friends wedding early because my (now ex) husband wanted me home at a certain time.

This was a major major step for me. To walk out that door and leave him there to his own devices for an entire night..... very hard for me to do, and I did it. I chose to focus on the positive and be aware that next time (yes there will be a next time), it will be better and easier. I am becoming more aware.

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