The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had a very emotional weekend with AH last week. Were separated but he visits our young son practically every weekend. He is in very early recovery now, after leaving an in-house rehab in September. This follows a summer where he almost got alcohol poisoned and lost his job for absenteeism due to his drinking. He has no job now and lives with his mom. He goes to AA and has a sponsor.
He stayed with us longer than usual last weekend. We even had an old friend over for dinner. Somehow I couldnt take being around him that much. Seeing old friends and being reminded of different times made me very emotional. I couldnt bottle up my feelings of sadness, anger, and disappointment. So I started crying at one point, prompting him to accuse me of creating a dark cloud. Things simmered down after that, but the damage had been done.
That was last Saturday. The only communication I got from him since was an email Monday. It said I thought about how sad you were last weekend and forwarded me a reading from Hazeldens Todays Gift. It was about not knowing what to say when someone is in early recovery, but the importance of just being there for someone. I responded thank you and left it at that.
I havent heard a peep from him since then, which is unusual. He usually calls at least every other day to see how our son is doing.
Separating from him was absolutely necessary and I am finding it a huge relief just being with my son without having to deal with his disease. At the same time, I cannot help but miss him and wonder why he isnt contacting me, although I suspect it had to do with the high emotions of last week.
While Im not a big holiday person, I would find it strange if I heard nothing from him by Thksgiving. I dont know if to leave things as is or reach out with a short email if I hear nothing. I realize I have to let go and let HP take over and Ive been trying to detach from him. I dont want him back, at least not the way he is now and I realize the importance of time away. I just dont know if to make any contact with him. We do have a child and as far as I know he wants to be in his life.
I realize I am deviating from Alanon principles here by focusing on a sick person with little sobriety under his belt. I did go to a meeting today and am doing my best. Any esh would be appreciated.
As much space as you probably need being new to alanon and a program of recovery he probably needs the same space. Holidays are hard and the "why couldn't it be" and then fill in the blank after that. I've got to take a wild guess and say he's having some of the same struggles you are having about "why couldn't it be". I don't know if you have a sponsor or not however this is really a good situation to have someone to talk things out with and see what your motives are and if it's a right decision for you right now. It's more reasoning things out with another person. And it's an opportunity to turn things over to your HP and see where that leads as well, there are a lot of maybe's in there .. maybe it's really not good timing for you guys to be together, maybe you aren't ready, maybe he's not ready, maybe you are and maybe he is. I really encourage you to use your phone list and call a sponsor or call someone else regarding this situation (someone who has been in the program for a while).
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
