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I've been in recovery for a while - I am an alcoholic and have been sober for 5 years. My A, however, is not sober. I know the rules and have set boundaries but he seems to be more selfish than before. I try to understand, let it go, attend my meetings, do my 12 steps, etc. but i'm only human. Got didn't make me perfect. We are not going to break up or anything like that, but my patience is wearing thin.
I'm starting a new job soon and I know things will get better, but I'm getting impatience. Just need a few encouraging words to help be get thru this phase. basically, words that will help me understand his selfishness, it hurts but i am at peace with the situation, but it still hurts. I'm only human, and I have serenity about it most of the time. Its like he knows how to go for the jugular. such an incidious disease. I don't hate my A - I hate the alcohol and this horrible disease.
My somewhat sour and unhelpful thought is that I wish a partner would extend to me half the patience and sympathy that we typically extend to our alcoholics. Why does all the understanding have to be on the part of the non-alcoholic? It's actually a serious question, though I don't expect it's answerable.
Are you attending face to face Al-anon meetings and or have a sponsor? These are things that help me get through this stuff the best and coming here to vent. It sounds like you have good awareness of the disease, I have to keep practicing dettachment when I get hurt. I am sending you love and support on your journey.
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thank you for your replies. They do help me. It just gets tiring sometimes but I have learned to stay calm and NOT reactive to WHATEVER it may be. It helps a lot. Leaving him is out of the question. Its not him that is the problem; its the alcohol, and what he does with that. It's hard because he won't remember a damn thing so why should I yell and waste my energy yelling, etc. I try to talk to him when i think he sober but i have detached on that too. Why bother? God will guide him, not me. I pray for grace...
Although, I am an alcoholic myself, in recovery for 5 years now, I may have a better understanding of the torment that is going on in his head, but I CANNOT enable him. I have let go and let my HP do that work. I have my own issues. Keeping my side of the street clean or at least trying to and putting my efforts into those things instead of reacting to his behavior.
I think it is impossible to separate the alcohol from the alcoholic. It is his behavior that is driving you crazy. It is not the alcohol. His behavior is what he has lost control of. It is part of him. Yes, you understand the torment, but you have just shifted his pain to yourself.... all that understanding. Now you have to deal with his torment. Until you can let go of him, detach, you will keep on picking up his stuff. You will stay tired because of his stuff. You work so hard to not react and it is wearing you out.
Concentrate on yourself. Think of him like the next door neighbor. You don't have to be tormented by the next door neighbor. You can just let him live with whatever behaviors he has. It doesn't have an effect on you.
Alanon has been a great source of comfort and support for me over the years. I read that you have been in AA recovery for 5 years. If you have not attended face to face alanon meetings, I think you will find the tools you need from the members there that will suit your particular situation.
I think it is impossible to separate the alcohol from the alcoholic. It is his behavior that is driving you crazy. It is not the alcohol. His behavior is what he has lost control of. It is part of him. Yes, you understand the torment, but you have just shifted his pain to yourself.... all that understanding. Now you have to deal with his torment. Until you can let go of him, detach, you will keep on picking up his stuff. You will stay tired because of his stuff. You work so hard to not react and it is wearing you out.
Concentrate on yourself. Think of him like the next door neighbor. You don't have to be tormented by the next door neighbor. You can just let him live with whatever behaviors he has. It doesn't have an effect on you.
I agree with you, Maryjane - separating the alcohol and the alcoholic is impossible - yes, all of it wears me at me. BUT it is a choice I made when CHOOSE to be with him. I'm not a martyr by all means, but I try to detach and ask my HP for "the strength to follow HIS will, not mine" That has brought me to this point of choice of loving my A and not leaving him. It's not perfect, but what is?
I'm human, I came here for support and found it. Daily reminders, readings, face-to-face meetings and prayer all help me cope and I have found serenity in my life because of this.
thank you for your thoughts, I really to listen and try to learn each and everyday. I find there is so much to understand about myself, my shortcomings especially, but by no means am I a doormat to this disease or my A.
I'm not saying this works for everyone, but it works for me.
I have to remind myself daily that he is not doing this to intentionaly hurt you.. Yes it hurts but they ( most of the time) dont wake up and say.. " i think i will drink/ do drugs today just so i can pick a fight and hurt them". Also what has helped me alot is really trying to see my own part in things.. And gosh i sure do have my own part in the situation alot of the time... When times get tuff take it one monent at a time.. Think of all the things u are greatful for rather than the things u resent... Think of yourself as a friend and then take your own advice that you would give that friend because We sure do know how to help others but have such a hard time helping ourselves.
